I have 2 bio kids (5 boy,14 girl) and an 8 year old step daughter. My step daughter's whole life she lived in one state while my husband lived in another. He would visit her any chance that he would get and even brought her out to him for a couple of summers (one of which I was there for). After a year of being with my husband I could see the strain being so far away from his daughter was putting on him that I agreed to move to the state where she was.

So now we've been living here for a few months. She came and stayed with us for 3 weeks before school started. She is almost 9 years old and has anxiety and anger issues. She cried just about every night because she has her own room in our home. She's afraid to be by herself in her room. She's afraid of the dark and I had to put three night lights in her room (which she says still isnt enough). Finally after the three weeks, she was getting better about going to bed without tears...but once she went back to her mother there was no follow through. She went back to sleeping in her mother's room.

My children are very independent, and dont need anyone around to watch television with or just be in the same room as they are, so this is very difficult for me. Now she told her mother that she does not want to come because she isnt getting enough attention. When her dad used to come out to visit her (even times we both came out), he/we used to always take her fun places and spoil her because the time he/we had with her was limited. But now that we live closer and can see her on a more regular basis (not to mention and also have 2 more children who are with us) we dont do fun things JUST BECAUSE SHE is here. I tried to tell her that our home is not a vacation destination, that it is her second home-and most of the time families are okay with doing nothing and just being together. She also told her mother that my daughter doesnt want to hang out with her and just stays in her room. My daughter is 14 and has been a "loner" since we was about 7 years old. I am not going to force her to hang out with my stepdaughter who is about half her age. My son is 2 years younger than my stepdaughter, and she doesnt want to hang out with him...and I wont force her to.

I feel frustatrated with her, because she will be 9 soon and my 5 year old is more confident and independent than she is. How can I help her overcome her fears and be more comfortable in our home?