Thank goodness I found this website! I only wonder now, where do I begin? This relationship hasn't been an easy one, my husband is wonderful! His kids??? - Not so much. Well to be fair, the SS is ok, the SD on the other hand, well she is something that rhymes with the word "witch". I know, that sounds harsh but lend me your ear . . . .
I took on a lot of baggage to be with the love of my life. We were BOTH in bad marriages when we met, divorced the bad guys and started on our happily ever after together. I knew raising step kids wouldn't be easy but I thought after 10 years we would have figured SOMETHING out.
When I came into the picture, DH's kids were SD 7 years old & SS 1 year old. OF COURSE SD did not like me at first and her BM's bad mouthing of me didn't help. The evil BM was certifiable (no exaggeration) and had a drug problem. BD/DH won full custody and after a short battle, BM dropped off the face of the Earth. She has not seen her kids in 7+ years.
You'd think that would make my life easier but of course the kids suffered, esp. SD who didn't know what to think because her mom filled her head full of lies. The first few years were tough. DH & I went through counseling and it helped us and our relationship immensely. SD was manipulative and tried driving a wedge between us. Of course I experienced jealousy. As much as the step kids had to adapt / I had to adapt too.

I'm sure this is ALL TOO familiar to most of you.

When SD was "old enough", we told her the truth about her mom. It was difficult and sad but with the new info (that was put very diplomatically) it did help our relationship. DH & I NEVER subscribed to the theory of bad mouthing the other parent, often taking the high road even when it was so difficult. My and SD's relationship still wasn't "perfect" but it was better, more manageable & we were able to co-exist more peacefully.

Another wrench in the monkey works, DH is a very passive parent. He caudled the kids and let them get away w/ murder because he felt sorry for their BM leaving them. I on the other hand came from a strict up bringing, military-type family, I.E. my user name "Hitler mom". Send the kids to him for nurturing; send the kids to me for discipline. We played good cop bad cop for a long time until I got tired of being the bad guy!

More couples counseling/parenting classes and I was told to MYOB when it came to HIS kids. I could give suggestions and raise concerns but ultimately DH has the final say so.

Okaaaaaaaaay, that was a hard pill to swallow but I followed suit.

DH & I agreed to disagree on how to raise our kids.
I NEVER expected or MADE the step children call me Mom. I treat them as I do my own BD, no better, no worse.

Ok, I could go on and on and on with details but lets fast forward to about 18 months ago. SD turns 16 & as all teenagers do, goes off the deep end. Hormones galloping, hanging out with the wrong crowd @ school, smoking, shoplifting, sneaking out w/ boys.

Dad doesn't know how to handle this behavior! He asks me what he should do. Hitler mom suggests "tough love" but he declines and "gives her space". These were isolated incidents; he wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. Ok, I step back and let him take the lead as instructed to do so by our counselor & cheer him on from the sidelines to watch him EPICALLY FAIL!

SD has recently become sexually active, experimenting w/ drinking (no doubt drugs) and placing herself in dangerous situations.
PARENTS UNITE!
We sit her down & have a long & very rational discussion on the dangers of drinking and promiscuity. Tell her that choices she makes now can & will affect her life forever. BLAH BLAH BLAH (you all know the drill). DH was very quiet, being the passive parent, he doesn't want to discipline, he doesn't want to think about his 17 year old having sex, and he is uncomfortable talking to her this way. It was an easy chat for me, at least I knew what to say but that's not to say I didn't still get emotional. She may be difficult but I do love my SD (God only knows why because she is so mean to me).
I thought we made great success! By the end of the conversation we were all laughing and crying. I thought FINALLY, we've made it now that she's almost an adult anyway . . . . . .

BOY WAS I WRONG!

A few days later I call home from work to talk to SD. Its summer break, she’s not home, I understand and leave a message to call when she gets home. A few hours later she calls, we chat idly about what she was up to - bowling w/ her cousins. I tell her I called because I was going to make her an appointment with OB/GYN to discuss birth control options. She informs me that she was just talking to her cousins (who I should mention weren't exactly responsible on the whole having sex issues and not someone whom I'd want her getting advice from) and they have it all planned to go to the local free clinic.
I explain that it might be best to see the family doctor who can sit down with her, explain all her options, take advantage of our wonderful health plan, etc. etc. but it's a done deal for her.

Ok, my feelings are hurt! I thought we made such progress! She was just blowing smoke up my ass! I call to inform DH of her plans, cry into the phone my angers and frustrations. He agrees with me, we are less than thrilled that his cousins left us out of the loop.

I tell him I need to blow off some steam and I go hang out w. my sister after work to vent (because God knows we step parents need it)!

I come home @ 7 pm and SD informs me she has made her appointment at the free clinic. I despondently reply "Oh, really"? and then she relays that it's during the week at 2:30 in the afternoon and said that "I could take her if I wanted to". I told her "Oh, I have to work, perhaps you can get your cousin to take you" and then I go hide out in my room.

I'm not a screamer, I do not like confrontation and in a fight or flight situation, I often take flight. I know you can never take words back so when I get keyed up, I separate myself from the object of my anger/frustration so that I can re-access things. I take pride that I do not fight dirty. I always try to be respectful and ALL my relationships have benefited from my self control.

Avoiding the SD like the plague for a day leading up to a vacation weekend planned where there is NO WAY I can avoid her. I relay my feelings and sorrows to friends, ask for advice. 10 years of this and it never gets routine......
A friend relays, I should talk to her, let her know she hurt my feelings, clear the air.
Well it sounds like the "adult" thing to do.

The next day I approach her, ask if we can talk. She invited me in her bedroom. I ask if she knows why I've been distant, she confesses her Dad (DH) clued her in. I admit my feelings were hurt, tell her I recognize that I can be intimidating, tell her that I will get over her not confiding in me and applaud her for at least going to "somebody" who can help her. I don't point the finger, take equal blame for our dysfunctional relationship but tell her that after our talk, I thought we had made such progress! I wanted to clear the air so we can all have a good weekend.
She doesn't apologize.
Then she tells me that our relationship has always been bad and that I cannot expect to change that.
WTF?!?!?
OK fine! I have tried and tried and tried with this one.

Later that night I re-cap for DH. He is angry for what SD has said but continues to make excuses for her, telling me that she said that because I hurt her feelings for not taking the day off and taking her to the free clinic. I remind him that she already made those plans with his cousin and that she only asked me to take her because he told her I had hurt feelings / not that she really wanted me there at all. I told DH that he cannot fault me for stepping back and for not trying so hard anymore - after all 10 years of rejection is about all I can bear!
DH is mad at me (but only because he doesn't understand) and I am positive he is in a difficult position too, being stuck in the middle wondering who he should side with. I reassure him we will get through this (all the while hurting inside because I am never supported by him) but I just can't wait for her to MOVE OUT! I married him / not his daughter!

Can I get an Amen?!?!?!
(((sigh)))