My whine of the day.
So yesterday DH and I were busy doing mostly separate things. I was aware that DH's daughter was within a two hour drive from us as opposed to where she lives which is 6 hrs. They did not see each other yesterday and have not since September yet they are enmeshed on the phone. Ok, right?
So all day the texts and little calls culminating in my small blow up which I said I wasn't going to do.
We made a nice fire pit and chilled the wine. Who calls on her way back home? And of course he has to FaceTime and shove the phone in my face to see some nonsense. I was pissed. In between the call to FaceTime I said this is ridiculous. You are on phone all the time with her yet never see one another. So when he got back on the call he said "my wife said we never see each other...... at which point I walked back into the house and made dinner. The evening was ruined.
Now this morning I am mad at myself for reacting. It truly does bother me when we are together because usually he works all the time. I should be so happy it's just a phone call but it's intrusive because she is a stranger to me and DH would never chat up a friend like this when we are doing something. He does not see this and I can't seem to let it go 100 per cent of the time. Today is a new day I suppose.
I get it
I'm reading insecurity between the texts, Face Time, and calls. SD is too insecure to make the relationship "real" and DH is too insecure to ask for more. I don't consider this as "real" getting together. I'd be just as aggravated and it would set me off that your DH didn't tell DD that it wasn't a good time. Then to be critical of you to DD that way was a back-stabbing act. I see what happened. The flip side is that you don't have to deal with her in your house. In my case, SD flat told DH in writing that she didn't come to visit because she hated me and that over the years she had matured and hated me even more. My adult SD didn't call either. Does she have an actual reason for not making plans to visit in person? I know too that younger adults only communicate via device. Vent away. What you experiences was a slight from both of them.
I would be as frustrated as you are in this situation.
I would start walking away every time she calls. Do not let him infest your life and your marriage with her. He engages in his disfuntional telephone emotionally
incestuous romance with his daugther separate from his marriage to you.
When she calls walk away. when he mentions her, walk away. Once he connects her to you walking away and asks about it, explain it to him directly.
Toxic external relationships have no place in a marriage. Regardless of who the person on the other side of that toxicity is.
BINGO.
BINGO.
In the scenario you described, I would have walked away from the firepit and gone inside to NOT make dinner. I would have grabbed a bowl of cereal and retreated to the bedroom or in front of the TV to watch something. I would KEEP doing it everytime he stops mid conversation to check his phone or take a call. Don't freak out. Don't get pissed. Just get busy doing something that you enjoy.
If he complains, just say that you want to spend time WITH HIM and ask him how he would feel if everytime he was in the middle of sharing something with you, you would take calls and answer texts. It sends a message the the person you're with is NOT a priority and something else is.
Yep. DH would leap to answer
Yep. DH would leap to answer his phone whenever and wherever if one of his kids called. Didn't matter what we were doing or who we were with. Those calls were THE most important thing.
We'd talk. He made (and broke) promises. I cried. I got mad. I ignored. When I started taking action I got results. Takes a call at the dinner table? I clear plates and put away food. Before dinner? I eat by myself. That sort of thing. The message finally got through when we were on a date, we discussed the call situation, he took the call anyway. I excused myself but instead of the restroom as he thought, I got in the car and went home. Left him stranded.
I'm sorry but you all are
I'm sorry but you all are giving me a chuckle.
I am new to the forum and glad their is a 'virtual respite' from the shenanigans.
However I am very sad that the shenanigans don't stop with SK's hit 18 (damn near lost my mind when I saw this part of the forum)
As mentioned, be lucky it's not in your home/in your face. And you can mitigate it with the tips mentioned above.
My partner is the exact same way.....he will facetime non-stop with his mini-spouse and has even done it while we're in bed (like dude if we are in bed then obviously you/your kids have no boundaries)
I usually just intantly leave the room and add a little snark like 'isn't it late to be getting calls rn?....'
IMO, It is rude if its
Thank God not in bed
Although SD used to call daddy at 7 am when we were away on vacation. This SD is in her early 30's and the enmeshment has not ceased at all. Yesterday my DH and I had an outing and I drove. He was texting her pictures and news articles at times. I kept quiet about it. It's just when he's in my face about it I get annoyed.
I'm surprised many of these skids still call.
Allegedly, my SO never hears from his DD because she "hates to talk on the phone." So he NEVER gets calls from her.
He rarely gets texts or any other communication from her, either. So there's that...LOL.
Enmeshed for years
I do realize I have much to be grateful for. She only shows up a couple times a year. Lol. I'm sure it's because of me. It's tough going to someone's house and finding fresh flowers in your room and homemade pastries in the morning. And to think all these years I tried so hard. What a dummy I was! Now I just sit back and hear DH say that he really needs for us to visit SD in the next few weeks. I say ok and the old me would have immediately researched and booked hotels etc. No more.
I can relate!
I can tell you the FaceTime calls with SD/BM/SGkids! Of course BM only does it when she has SGKids, but its obvious that we are having dinner!!!! DH tells them it's no problem, he can eat and talk. It even happens if we are out to dinner in a restaurant. I finally told him before we went to dinner one evening that I wanted his attention and if he got a video call he should keep it to hi, we're out to dinner...I'll talk to you later" and he obliged. Of course it was a bit begrudgingly, but I think he's catching on that date night calls are a no-no.
Because of SD's current living arrangements the calls are infrequent so I don't say too much about them, and same with BM's calls when SGD is with her...he's thankful for a chance to see/talk to SGD and it's not nearly as often as it used to be.
They have all called when we were in bed. Well, they got to see me snuggle up to DH and put my head on his chest. FAAFO is my stance on that. If I'm in bed, no way I'm getting up or leaving the room.
I’d be PO’d
If anyone shoved a phone in my face to talk. You've expressed you don't like it when he does this to you. If he continues to do it, take the phone and hang up, disconnecting the FaceTime. Maybe he'll get the hint.