Waiting for the hurricane
My husband and I have been married almost 45 years. His daughter has been a constant source of pain and sorrow in our marriage. Now that we are retiring and looking for a quiet life with our sons and grandkids, she has come roaring back into our lives with a vengeance, causing all the old hate and resentment to come back. This fucking bitch is killing him, day by day. He can't sleep, can't eat, doesn't laugh, just constant fretting and worry and stress. It is taking years away from the kids and grands and me! He is in an intolorable position with her because she was high and walked in front of a train. She lost one leg, on arm and a hand. She is not capable of caring for herself. He spent over a year working his ass off to get her an apartment and a caretaker. He just told me tonight that the caretaker is leaving on Friday. His daughter is doing drugs and being horrible to her. She has all her homeless loser friends there, giving her drugs. I mean literally giving them to her because she has no hands. So the hurricane is starting up again and all I can do is protect myself and my home and try to love him thru it. I tried to believe for him and have hope that this would wake her up and make her change, but it didn't. There is just no way for it to end well. I am so sorrowful for the pain he is going thru, but I am so damn sick of this useless, toxic asshole causing so much damage in her wake. She is truly a leech in this world, she gives nothing, she does nothing, she just takes and takes and takes. It is an ugly situation and it is going to get worse.
Nursing Facility
She needs full time care. And she needs a nursing home residential type facility. There, she'll get clean. But as all of us told you in a prior post, do NOT let this woman into your home. Besides of all the problems you are aware of, you could put yourself in a position to be robbed, and no telling how that would end up. Drug addicts will do whatever they need for a fix and that includes stealing from and/or hurting family.
Will your husband go to counseling? It would help him to hear this from a neutral source and help him resolve some of his unwarranted guilt. Best to you. What a difficult journey.
I could be wrong but doesn't
I could be wrong but doesn't social services do welfare calls on incapacitated adults? Is there anyway to get their help to have her sent to a nursing home facility?
The other option is to get into counseling and find a way that he can let her go. This isn't his baby girl- this is an addict who keeps making decisions that are killing her. She is a junkie and doesn't wan help. Allowing her to take either of your peace is wrong, because she is a user.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your husband.
I agree w/ the other ladies.
I agree w/ the other ladies. He needs counselling and she needs to be in a facility. Maybe you could research some on the sly so if it ever comes up you can present him w/ viable options.
You and your DH also needs
Counselling to deal with SD. You know SD isn't going to make it, unless she cleans up. Losing a leg isn't a wake up call, nothing is. Unfortunately he must cut back his contract with his DD. Or she going to take him down with her. She should be in a residential facility, unfortunately, you can't make her stay if she doesn't want to. She has rights. ..l
That's why you have to cut back and deal with the guilt... Have gone through this, it's not easy, you are guilty for the rest of your life. But you can't turn your home into a flop house, going through all your money buying drugs for her, selling everything to keep her in the life style she wants to live
DH actually had mostly cut
DH actually had mostly cut her out of his life when she left sober living to live in a tent next to the tracks. He talked to her occasionally, but refused to see her until she went back to a program. That was for a couple of years, then we got a call in the middle of the night saying she was medivaxed to US Berkeley. They saved her life and shattered my husbands. What kind of asshole abandons their triple amputee daughter? Well, her mother did, but he just can't. I think he once again really believed she might change her life. But here we go again. I disengaged from SD years ago, before I ever heard of it. We used to fight about her constantly, so I just quit doing it, I backed off and stayed out of it. The only thing I have forced in many years was refusing to pay for anymore rehab facilities, other than that, he can do whatever he thinks he needs to, except moving her up here. There is no way in CA to force her into any kind of medical facility. I wish they could, it would be better and safer and maybe she would put some effort into physical rehab. They made a hand and a leg for her, but she won't put in the effort to work with them, which is sad. It is a untenable situation.
He has to learn that he isn't
He has to learn that he isn't abandoning her. He is cutting out an addict. The amputee part is also a result of her addiction. These are her choices over and over and until she is ready to be sober- nothing is going to change. She is going to kill herself. How much damage is your husband going to allow himself and you to suffer along with her?
I'm glad you have the boundaries with finances and her living with you. Now you just need the boundary of him even talking about it. No fights, just no thank you. I don't want to hear about her and her self destruction.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters, she needs a nursing facility as she is unable to care for herself. I would not, under ANY circumstances, allow her into your home. Once there, she won't leave. And if she is high and hateful, she may make accusations against you and/or DH.
I wouldn't look at it as cutting her out of your lives, it is more like not allowing her and her addiction to have power over you both. You can't help someone who refuses to help herself. It's different than just abandoning her.
Perhaps get a social worker or someone who can help get her placed in a facility who can help her. If she refuses this, then I would step back. She may be homeless and constantly high, but that may be the type of lifestyle she wants to live. You can't save a person from themselves.
Please take care of you and DH. Keep us posted!
**HUGS**
I'm really sorry you are
I'm really sorry you are going thru this. I'm sure DH feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do think doing the research to see what's out there for SD would be a prudent move on your part, to protect your home. Eventually DH would see your research as helping you both and not "you don't like my kid".
I'm sure this new episode with SD just reopened some grief over the child he's lost to drugs. That's why he needs counseling with an addiction specialist. Al-anon might another helpful thing. They teach you how to put boundaries in place.
Keep call in wellness checks.
WHen she is wasted, they will arrest her.
Eventually, she will become the State's problem.
I am sorry you are having to relive this crap... again.