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Help Me Please !

Stepmomm's picture

Submitted by Stepmomm on Thu, 06/10/2010 - 9:26pm

:? I am a new stepmom to two girls age 4 and 2. I have not been around the girls long, but love them like they were mine, but the girls want to have nothing to do with me and listen to nothing that I say. There father is a softy for his girls and gets on to them, but then laughs when after one gets in trouble and says something "funny" so the girls laugh it off, and laugh him off. The oldest child will go up to strangers talk to them and not listen to him when we calls her back. He gets mad, but yet again when she comes over and says something he laughs so she laughs nd does not care what the word "no" means. She listens to nothing that he says, and therefor listens to nothing that I say.
I believe that you show your children how to act with desipline and action. I was raised to be respectful of my parents and to anyone that I knew, these children are not raised this way and I do not know what to do.
I do not want to seem like I am telling the father how to raise his girls, but I believe that what he is doing is ruining them for later on in life.
I need help on how to tell him without seeming like I know it all that he is hurting his girls, I also need help on controlling my anger when I think that action she be took when they do not listen.
PLEASE HELP ME !

Comments

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Thu, 06/10/2010 - 9:37pm

Welcome to Steptalk Smile

May I ask what the custodial arrangement is? Is the bio-mom (BM) in the picture?

Perhaps your DH (dear husband) and BM could benefit from parenting classes. I think that sometimes all of us as people take criticism more easily from an outside party.

If BM is in the picture, she could be alienating (or trying to alienate) the kids from DH. It's called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). You should do a lot of research on that.

Perhaps the kids could benefit from counseling. I definitely agree that DH needs to step up the discipline, but I also think the kids could benefit from having a third party to talk to. Their doctor can recommend good child therapists in your area.

Stepmomm's picture

Submitted by Stepmomm on Fri, 06/11/2010 - 11:48am

Yes the BM is still in the picture and keeps the two; I would have no dought that she is doing this. Her parents live 3 hours away and since the divorce we have seen the girls 3 times. We never have them on the weekend because something magically comes up in her home town or she forgets to tell us that she is staying longer than she really is. He can not tell her he is picking them up from school cause she will snatch them before he gets there and magically because they had something else to do. Since the divorce there has been spring break and easter and we did not get to see them for either one.

Stepmomm's picture

Submitted by Stepmomm on Fri, 06/11/2010 - 11:50am

Ok so you want your kids around strange men with candy or dogs that they can play with and not come to you when they are called ?!

buttercookie's picture

Submitted by buttercookie on Thu, 06/10/2010 - 9:44pm

The behavior you are describing for your step kids seems to be the age. Now is the time to come up with a parenting plan with your other half before they get too old

Wicked.Witchy.Woman's picture

Submitted by Wicked.Witchy.Woman on Fri, 06/11/2010 - 6:19am

When I first moved in, I thought that being a responsible parent to my SS14 (7 at the time) was a good thing. I thought that I would be helping everyone and benefiting the child. I WAS SO WRONG!!!

Keep in mind, everyone's situation is different.

I should have let DH handle all the discipline. I shouldn't have tried to raise him as if he was my own. He's not my child, and he doesn't want to be. We were never able to "bond" and I truly believe that it was because of me moving in and butting in (in SS's eyes) to their lives. I also believe that DH took advantage of me in that respect because I seemed so willing to be a parent, he let me be THE parent. Things are better now, but really because I don't discipline unless there is something I know DH has said and I directly see SS disobeying and only if DH is not available to stop it. The only other time I get involved is if it involves my property or dogs and even then, only if DH is not available to take care of it.

I do believe the one consequence to this is SS's education. DH tries, but not hard enough to keep after SS about his homework. I was pretty good at that, but since I've stopped, SS in failing. He just failed 8th grade and will be repeating it. No summer school because he failed too many classes to make up. At least when I was doing it he passed, not by much, but he passed. And it's all about homework. He's just not interested in doing homework. We've had him tested for every learning disability under the sun, and we've seen for ourselves that he can do really well for a semester, but then he just gets fed up with homework and stops doing it.

SO I SAY...WHATEVER....

I'm not telling you that's what you should do, but I think many SM's and S-Dad's have had to learn this lesson the hard way, but then many have had success with being a true parental figure to their SKids.

The key may be to bond with the children first, but don't force it. If you truly bond with them, they should respect you and discipline should come naturally out of that relationship, but if there is no bond, your hands are tied!

As far as telling your DH how to raise his kids...I wouldn't, unless your DH is EXTREMELY rational and will not take it as a criticism, but that fact that you are asking for advice on how to tell him, tells me that he is probably not going to take it well, no matter how you do it.