Birthday gifts for SD refusing visitation
Hello again! Step talk has been an amazing place to vent and seek advice. Everyone here has a lot of helpful advice that is helping me navigate this life. So my story continues (SD being jealous of new baby and refusing visitation).
DH attempted to have a face to face conversation with SD which ended horrifically. SD flipped out screaming at my husband she told him she hated his guts and he is a deadbeat dad who abandoned her. Couldn't be further from reality. Well SD ran back into BM's house and called the police on my husband. The police show up, BM and my husband explain the situation to the police and they leave. Basically BM tells DH that he should just let SD be and stop trying to see her until she wants because she is so traumatized by our news.
Well I was furious when I heard I could not believe that SD would call the cops on her own dad! My husband was devastated but he is slowly trying to accept her not being a part of our lives and focus on our boys and the baby. I went into preterm labor and am on bedrest so my husband has really changed his mopey, cold behavior and is being a lot more present and helpful.
BM is being very tight lipped on everything and DH is having a hard time getting info on SD's therapist and medical issues. BM rarely responds to his calls or texts and my husband is on some goose chase trying to track down info. Anyways SD's birthday is coming up in a few days and he is conflicted on whether or not to drop off a gift. SD refuses to even see him so he would have to hand it off to BM who he knows will not give it to SD. BM has a long history of keeping SD's birthday money, giftcards, and gifts for herself so we have to keep things here or personally hand them to SD. So I guess my question is should he even buy her a gift, should he hold it until she decides to maybe visit again, should he just drop it off and hope it gets to her? SD also cut off the rest of our family so they can't take their gifts for her either. Maybe he should just send a birthday text?
He needs to quit trying to contact her in any way for awhile
He needs to quit trying to contact her in any way for awhile. I usually suggest that when a teenager refuses to see their Dad that he send the occasional text reaffirming his love and offering to get together. In this case, since she called the cops on him, he needs to cease all attempts at contact for a few weeks, at least. He should not attempt to give her a gift right now - that will only be reinforcing her bad behavior. I understand that she has mental issues that are clearly part of what is driving her behavior, but that doesn't mean she should be rewarded for bad behavior.
Buy a gift when youknowshe is
Buy a gift when youknowshe is coming over again. This is our policy lately and it avoids BM intercepting gifts or buying things that end up obsolete by the time she gets them.
My SD12 also threw a fit and stopped coming when we had a baby. She came to look at the baby when she was 2 weeks old and her aunts doted on her out of guilt.
I kind of wish my daughter doesn't end up having a relationship with SD at all.
Wow, so how involved is SD in
Wow, so how involved is SD in your life now? Does she even consider your daughter to be her sibling? My SD has always said that our kids aren't "real" siblings but BM's are. It's been years and years of hell and I'm finally done. I honestly do not care if SD ever comes back but I hate seeing my husband upset when he has been nothing but a great dad (a little bit of a Disney dad, but he is always there for her).
She will call her her sister
She will call her her sister and constantly tells my husband that she loves her and misses her. however I think that she is just paying him lip-service because when I try to send her pictures of the baby she never responds. And whenever my husband tries to FaceTime and show her the baby she is very uninterested. I have no idea how it is at bn's house or what she is saying to her but I suspect that only beings kids are considered her real siblings.
When SS was alienated, DH got
When SS was alienated, DH got gifts for him and just left them here at the house. He'd wish SS happy birthday or whatever, via text or email.
I think a card sent to her
I think a card sent to her with a heartfelt message from dad is in order.
Happy Birthday and I love you. I am missing you very much and you will always be my little girl and having another baby does not change that one bit.. you still are important to me. When you are ready, I can't wait to see you again. In the meantime.. hope you have a great day. Daddy
or something to that effect..
No gift.. no using it to "bribe" her to come over... she should want to come over to see him.. not just to grab a gift and run.
This! My skids received cards
This! My skids received cards in the mail while they refused to visit. Birthdays and Christmas.
I agree with the card only at
I agree with the card only at this point. She called the cops for no reason, there are ramifications to wrongful actions and if you cut someone out, then you do not expect gifts.
That said my DH continues, against my opinion, to send large gifts to OSD on Xmas and her birthday. $100 at least. He does use these for bribes and gets upset each time there's no thank you.
Send her a generic B-day card
Send her a generic B-day card with a modest gift card in it. Send it to SD directly at BM's address with delivery confirmation so if it does not make it to SD's hands DH can serve BM up to SD as the thieving POS that she is.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Also, start sending baby sister updates to SD with all of the highlights of your pregnancy, birth, baby girl milestones, etc, etc, etc.... Tolerating crap form this POS SD should never happen and you might as well rub her nose in the crap she is pulling by rubbing in the fact that she has a daddy provided baby sister.
The BM spawned baby sister was a non event. That makes this crap fully manipulative bullshit by SD.
Zero tolerance and full in her face consequences should apply. Make sure she has regular installments of you, daddy and her little brothers loving on your new baby girl.
Ha!
We've never bought SD gifts
We've never bought SD gifts for any holidays or her birthday if she's not interested in seeing us. There were even a few times that she'd contact us just before Christmas or her birthday and on those occasions rather than rushing around and trying to find a present last minute we told her sorry we weren't expecting you but next time you're here maybe we'll go shopping.