New Member .... advice needed .. divorce pending
Hi All,
After a few months of lurking I have finally joined and would just like some other views into my situation.
I am 33 years old and I met my (now) husband with an 7 year old boy. We went on to get married and have a son of our own (6 months). Husband and SS (now 8 years old), immergrated for us all to be together... (husband has sole custody as SS mother is mentally unfit to parent him).
SS had always had a little attitude towards me but I put it down to his lack of relationship with his birth mother and attention. Dispite his behaviour, we were extremely close - as if he were literally my own.
Over the last 6 months it's gone downhill and fast!
In short, he has openly said that he does not like me and never really did, he only likes the things I provided him with. He had also said he has no respect for me. He said he does not like my mother (whom we all live with and who is a staple in the household helping with childcare etc), again only likes what she provides.
He came from a very poor life and I may have overcompensated in the beginning, due to his behaviour issues I have stopped with the treats and special gifts and he has made it very clear how he feels about it. I have been his main provider financially (his dad stays home to look after the kids), so I deal with schools, lunch, clothes etc ..
He has told a series of lies which have put me and my husband in really tricky situations. Lies of neglect and abuse (being left in the house alone, being made to sleep with only a sheet and no having any dinner being left hungry etc), obviously, none of this has happened!!
He has told me to shut up etc etc ....
One night, my husband and I got into a heated argument about the situation, the police were called by a neighbour and as protocol, as there were kids in the house when the argument took place, child services now have an open case for both kids which have to remain open for the next five years.
We have spoken to him without each other, together, friends of his father has spoken to him, grandparents, police (his fathers cousin), he has been loved on, he has been disciplined but nothing has worked or even improved the situation.
He loves being in the country, he has a new life which he loves and he loves his little brother. Each time he has made the situation very clear he does not like me!
We argue everyday and the house is filled with so much tension. If I am in a room he will leave and vice versa.
I have a 6 month old and simply feel I will not be able to disapline him if his older brother complety ignores me. The child services case is open for the next five years so if he (SS) decides to go to school one day and tell one of his random lies, we will be under investigation. I know they are not stupid, but the unnecessary investigation alone is just something that I don't need. On top of that I'm just genuinely unhappy in my own home now and any excuses to be away I take it.
It has now gotten to the point where my Husband and SS are moving back to their country (Caribbean), I do love my husband and do not want him to leave - my son also grows up without a father but I really can't take anymore where SS is concerned. Obviously, we will be in two different countries so our marriage will eventually fall apart. Husband will have to start from scratch as everything was sold due to him moving and I will have to put my son into daycare so there will be no funds for visiting etc.
You are in a hard situation.
You are in a hard situation.
Usually I would say if CPS is called the child either needs to go live with the other parent and visitation only takes place away from you and any other children in the house. However, that isn't an option for you.
Have you gone to any kind of family therapy? Before divorce I would REALLY recommend trying that.
However, at the end of the day, your job as a mother is to protect your baby. He is risking your baby being taken away. It might be a long shot but that wouldn't matter to me.
My one other suggestion would be some kind of boarding school.
Your husband needs to shut his son down
The kid is 7 years old. You husband can do a lot to change his son's behavior if he steps up and parents. The kid is disrespecting you at least in part because it is allowed. His father will have a lot more influence over his behavior than anyone.
However it may be the kid is mentally ill and will always be a problem...getting CPS involved is pretty extreme and if someone brought that hell into my life, I would not easily move past that even if nothing else happened.
I just think there is more your husband can do. I would give him an ultimatum. If that doesn't work, to the curb with both of them.
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time out to respond.
@justmakingthebest we have not looked at family therapy or therapy for him but it has been recommended by other people. I'm not sure how I feel about it mostly due to the lies that he randomly comes out with. I'm scared they will "open a can of worms" ... no matter how untrue and totally made up they are my issue is that he really goes for it when telling these lies ... crying etc so if you didn't know him you would absolutely believe them. With the open file at child services it's scary to put myself into such a position.
Example: He went to stay with my brother while I was in labour with my son, my brother took he and my nephew (who is the same age) to the trampoline park, they played computer games and he even chose what they had for dinner that night .... however he came home crying saying he hadn't eaten at all and was made to sleep on a sheet on the floor .. when infact, he was given my nephews bed to sleep in while my nephew co-slept with his parents. I believe he knew what he was doing as these are actually emotional triggers for my husband, who was indeed starved and made to sleep on the floor by his aunt as a child.
Deep down I knew my brother wasn't capable of doing such a thing to him but my husband for obvious reasons was really angry.
@swim_mom I totally agree with you. At first my Husband totally sucked and totally enabled it by making excuses for him. He (my husband) has a horrible relationship with his father and does not want his son to hate him (his words). He was raised more as a friend then a son.
Even though on "punishment" and with as much drama that he brought his father still allows him to have unnecessary sweets and cakes etc as if nothing ever happened.
My husband has now (pointed out by various people) seen his son in action, he was actually the one who asked him if he has any respect for me (to which he responded - no), and subsequently has stepped up.
Albeit mainly be me, SS has been disaplined, he hasn't had his tablet in months, no Netflix, no toys, been sent to bed early etc etc and nothing seems to actually bother him.
As close as they are, I don't actually think his Father does have a lot of influence. His father has broken down multiple times crying and pleading with him but nothing has ever come of it.
Even though 8, I'm scared as to what my life would be when he is a teen with outside influences and real stress etc.
I do agree that no matter what - if something comes of it or not, my main job is to protect my baby.
You would meet with the
You would meet with the therapist first to explain the lies. Tell him or her everything. I would seriously write it all out on paper before you go. I know I get flustered in the moment and forget important things.
Having a child that is a habitual liar for attention is not something unheard of. The fact that this child is escalating is serious and needs to be addressed though. A counselor will help work through it and there may be a diagnosis to be found and something that might even be able to be treated with meds.
Your husband needs to step up
Your husband needs to step up and parent his son. You are the breadwinner AND taking on all the discipline, while he gets to be fun dad. That won't work - of course the kid will be angry at you if he thinks all this good parenting is your idea and not his father's.
A therapist is a good idea too - bring up the lying in the first session. A good therapist will do the initial session with your SS and you and DH and get history and background.
I'm sorry this is ruining your marriage - your DH needs to step up, not move out. His son will be a dysfunctional person unless he starts parenting - and it could escalate to aggression and violence and other criminal activities as he gets older.
It's really annoying because
It's really annoying because SS does have manners and respect for everyone and anyone that is not connected to me, everyone else (my brother, mum and friends) is fine for!
He has had home schooling due to the carona virus situation and I was having so much trouble with it, one day I walked to the school and had a sit down with his teacher (observing the social distancing rule), she was totally shocked. In school he is lovely and kind and helpful, wanting and willing to learn. His father now takes sole responsibility with the home schooling.
Everyone we speak to about this friends, grandparents etc are totally shocked as he has never displayed this type of behaviour towards them.
We even told him he was going to live with his grandparents and his only response to his father was "will you come and visit me".
If sending him to his
If sending him to his grandparents (that he behaves for) is an option, why hasn't it been done?
Your situation is terrible. If this happened to me , the kid would be out (other family or whatever) or I would do the same as you - divorce.
No way I'm risking losing MY child for someone else's crappy kid. Or having my reputation ruined.
Thank you for your response
Thank you for your response SteppedOut.
The grandmother is in the US. I have just filed papers for them to stay in the UK. Definitely still and option but not as easy as throwing his bags in the car.
I am very sorry you are going
I am very sorry you are going through this. Is he moving to be near family to help bring the boy up or would it be possible to live apart but stay married for a while where you are to see if things improve?
I think this boy needs to see a psychiatrist to see if he on a spectrum for anything as his mother may have a mental health problem that hasn’t been properly diagnosed.
I personally would not stay in this situation.....
@Floppyears sorry my mistake,
@Floppyears sorry my mistake, I entered his life at 6 years old he is now 8 about to turn 9.
Yes- our relationship and timeline happened quickly.
We married quickly and I fell pregnant even quicker.
The argument wasn't bad just shouting. I have lived in this house with no problems all my life, probably why one of the neighbours called the police. It's protocol / duty of care in the UK, when the police attend - no matter how big or small the incident, if there are small children present in the household your details are passed to child services it's also. This particular incident is closed as far as they are concerned but their details and file will remain with them for the next 5 years. The most annoying part is we genuinely don't argue unless it pertains to SS.
They would return to Jamaica. I will stay in the UK. DH's mum is in the US, the only person that can take him.
If you are all living with
If you are all living with your mother.... it is time for you and your mother to evict your husband, his father and his prior relationship child. Do not stay in a marriage where your mate has clearly stated he is using you, does not care for you in the least, and is in it only for the nice things you can provide.
Time to send him back to poverty in his home country and leave him there. Raise your son with the benefits and quality of life that you can provide in your own country.
Don't continue to sacrifice yourself for that shallow and polluted gene pool.
Good luck.
I have confused things by my
I have confused things by my initial post ...... probably typing too fast but this .......
In short, he has openly said that he does not like me and never really did, he only likes the things I provided him with. He had also said he has no respect for me. He said he does not like my mother (whom we all live with and who is a staple in the household helping with childcare etc), again only likes what she provides.
Is what my SS said .... not DH!
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your responses.
I have made it very clear to DH, once the virus travel restrictions have been lifted, SS is to leave with or without him (DH).