Adult Step Children who are extremely MESSED UP
Husband has two sons by two former wives.
We have been married for 20 years and I've known these boys since they were little. We used to keep them both every weekend so that they could form a bond and stay close and they really loved each other when they were young. They were very different kids, though. Husband is a very kind hearted person and when it came to his kids, he really thought that his job was to keep them happy and having fun when they were with us. Husband had very poor boundaries with them and if he yelled at one of them, husband would often end up guilt ridden and sometimes crying. There was a lot of behaviour that they both displayed that troubled me and other people, too. Husband and I had many conflicts over his refusal to deal with some of their inappropriate and sometimes very irrespnsible behaviour.
OK. Fast forward to the present. Boys are now 33 and 27 years old. One is emplyed part time in pub kitchen and he is very addicted to drugs and alcohol. He's the 33 year old. This is wrecking havoc in our lives because his mother passed away six months ago and we're the executors of her will. I mean... he's just gone off the rails to the point where my husband is ready to walk away from this situation.
Second son is long term unemployed. Another thing I predicted and husband and I fought about. This person is living on benefits and getting mental health treatment. Last year he came out as trans and said he would tell us when he was going to change his pronouns and his name. He never told us and so when visiting him, we referred to him with male pronouns. He became very angry and the rest of the visit was horrible. He then wrote to husband and told him that he didn't want contact with us because we are transphobic. This sounds absolutely crazy because it is. He's never expressed a desire to be a girl or a woman and then out of the blue said that he'd be happier living as a woman and so he's a woman. Whatever.
My husband is in bits because both of his kids are completely lost and really, really screwed up. In a way I'm not surprised because I saw how they were parented by all involved and I could see this coming (well... not ALL of it but I saw dysfunction in their future for sure.)
And that's my little story about step children. I dont' know how my marriage survived 20 years but my husband is really very good to me and we generally have a good relationship except where his kids are concerned. I never had children and thank God for that.
Welcome to Steptalk!
WOW! Thats a LOT to deal with for you both.
Some counseling might be helpful. Mental illness affects the entire family.
Oye...I can feel what you are
Oye...I can feel what you are going through. It's tremendously disappointing when adult SKIDs fail to launch. The hyper sensitivitiy to everything is also painful. I am just so very happy to know that they are NOT in your home with you (at least that's an assumption that I am making.) I too have adult SKIDs and no bios, I tend to sometimes percieve their problems and behaviors as if I am looking into a glass globe - I am not really there but just observing. it's helped me to contain my emotions, not get depressed and realize that this is not my world and not my problem. The only time I ever get invovled is when it DIRECTLY impacts me - otherwise I let the circus run it's show, I don't even impart my knowledge any longer- it's a waste of everybody's time, no one is listening! However, I DO extras for me and my DH and I make damn sure that we have very happy, fulfilled and resourceful lives . These folks are adults, time to grow up. Also time as an adult to be able to use discernment and realize the intentions of your parents and stepparents - the transphobia piece is heavily misguided, you needed to be informed and you both are happy and respectfully willing to abide from what I can see. He should have corrected you guys and then from there you would have known- how could you have known (especially because it doesn't sound like they started dressing differently or told you that they are now female)? Don't feel bad about that- you aren't a mind reader and I am very VERY tired of young people or any people in society getting their feeling hurt when THEY have not been able to articulate the facts, the actions or the intentions that hurt their feelings. Expecting someone to mind read or just because "you feel it" is bogus in my book- your fees fees are not facts, time for people to mature and be expected to do the hard work of checking themselves before crying about being hurt. On that note, my SKID didn't like "my vibe" - I stared at him and said nothing. That doesn't cut it in my book.
Sometimes you have to walk
Sometimes you have to walk away. Oldest SS will either wake up and get help or spend the rest of his life addicted. You can wish him well from afar. It's good your DH isn't trying to rescue him from his problems.
With younger SS, one apology and explanation is enough. He can either accept it or not. Sometimes people have to be left to wallow in their own self-righteous indignation until they get over it.
ETA: and by "apology" I mean "sorry we didn't use your preferred pronoun but you never told us you wanted us to start soooo..."
Sometimes we have to let it go.
It's freeing.
Kids do not get to choose
Kids do not get to choose what flavor of offspring their parents have. Neither do the parents except for those with both flavors in cold storage.
That said, if an offspring chooses to flip their script as an adult. Fine. However, if they do not communicate their flip and the related pronouns, They get the pronouns their actual birth genders stipulates. Tell me what you want me to refer to you as, or, I will refer to yours as I always have.
That..... is on you kid.
This is a 100%. No apology is
This is a 100%. No apology is warranted if the stepparent has not been given the information for pronoun change. The adult stepchild MUST communicate the change and I am certain most stepparents will do their darnest to follow the commanded change. I've seen this happening more lately - an expectation that to "know" something when there is nothing there to indicate that you should know that there was a change. Take some accountability SKID instead of playng the victim role, throwing accusations and making it out to be the big bag stepparent for not being able to read minds.
In my first career I bought
In my first career I bought and ran or flipped restaurants. I was covering the host station and register while the on duty hostess was on break one day when a customer was leaving and paying their bill. The customer was complaining about something and I was working with them when they got very rude and abusive. So, I shut them down with a "Sir, that is not appropriate and you will not speak to me or any of my team in that manner. Pay your bill, leave, and do not return. If you do try to return you will be escorted out by security or the police.". They lost their mind. "I am a woman! Do not call me Sir."
She was dressed in mens clothing (Mens kaki pants, a men's button down collar shirt with the buttons on the rt side, mens penny loafers, man's belt), had a very male hair cut, wearing a man's watch, man styled eyeglasses, and presented no idicators that they were female. Apparently her chest was bound. Visually she was a shortish rotund looking late 20's to early 30's man. That she lost her mind at "Sir" while presenting as a male, I found very telling and interesting. This was decades before the whole pronoun's thing.
Since the majority of communication is visual and behavioral, if a person does not present as they identify, that is on them. When they then get all spun up over someone using the pronouns that align with their visual and behavioral presentation, oh well.
In never to be seen again bief interface IMHO the onus is on the person presnting rather than on the person percieiving what is visually and behaviorally presented.
I now don't even think about it. I check for a name tag and refer to the person by their name. If there is no name tag, I introduce myself and ask their name. Then I use their name, or I avoid any reference to them personally.
e.g. "Excuse me. Can you tell me where XYZ is?" No need to guess or even think about what their pronouns might could possibly be. Of course... "Hey you." is about as gender and prounoun neutral as you can get. Though I go with the more respectful and considerate direct conversation route.
Just my thoughts of course.
Isn't it terrible to see
Isn't it terrible to see something coming (SM radar), not be listened to, then watch the predicted bomb blowing up! Would it help your DH to speak with a counselor? What can the two of you do to insulate yourselves/protect you as individuals and as marriage partners? This sounds like a terribly trying situation. These "kids," as you well know, should be functioning adult members of society. Woo boy.
You can’t burn the proverbial candle at both ends
As they get older, It's going to chatch up with them. They are going to hit rock bottom. As get sick get hospitalized, lose everything. Recovery at 25 is much different at 40.
Protect yourselves
I'm sorry but both of your stepsons sound mentally ill. I hope they go to counseling to help themselves and to navigate through their lives. It's so hard when we have to take a step back from our kids. I can't imagine how hard this is for your DH and you. Unstable people, whether they are your kids or not, can be dangerous. Protect yourselves emotionally as well as physically. Best of luck to you both ❤️