Help

Hello all. I've been married to an amazing woman for 3 years. She has a 16 and 13 years 3 old who she really doesn't punish. She's constantly telling me if I have a problem with them I should punish them. Before me they lived in place to place due to her ex husband. We are constantly getting into arguments over her never punishing them and then getting away with murder. They are constantly manipulating her and I seem to be the only complaining. What should I do?

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I’m not disbelieving you.

I’m not disbelieving you. However, as you haven’t provided any firm examples I give you the following advice.

Parents sometimes pick their battles, and prioritise dealing with the worst offending behaviour first. An example of this would be dealing with backtalk, and overlooking slight fussy food fads in a we will tackle that one in future kind of way.

Secondly, the word punish may get your partners back up a bit. Find a slighter softer word, and stick to it, something like the word ‘discipline’ even is a bit more palatable.

Some parents are overwhelmed if the behaviour is quite bad and don’t know where to start.

However, this doesn’t mean that it shouldnt be tackled. If you can have a two way conversation focusing on positive solutions, rather than just ‘ he/ she should be punished’ you may eventually have more luck.

Behaviour change can take a few months ( it doesn’t mean it’s not working).

If she isn’t willing to have a proper conversation with you, you might want to re assess your situation at some point.

If your wife is failing to

If your wife is failing to discipline her sons, telling you to do it if you have a problem, and allowing her kids to manipulate her despite how all of this makes you feel, she is not amazing. She’s failing both as a mother and a wife, and none of that is her ex’s fault. You have a wife problem, not an ex or skid problem.

The minute you do discipline

The minute you do discipline those kids, she will undermine your authority anyway and make you the bad guy. If I turn off the internet and go to work, it's back on when I get home. DH tells me it is my house and I can disipline as I see fit but it's bull shit. If you can leave, do so. I'm stuck here due to finances and now trapped because of quarantine. I'm saving money, looking for a full time job and planning my exit

Pick and choose your battles.

Pick and choose your battles. If it doesnt personally effect you let it go. If it is a disruption to the household or direct disrespect towards you establish a set of boundaries and general household rules. Any rules I have in place goes for SKs and BC equally. How I handle those rules depends. I avoid engaging in any redirecting or confrontation with SK because it's not worth it. If they dont pick up after themselves or clean thier room. I tell SO he can either have them do it or do it himself, I dont care how it gets done. My BC homeschools everyday. SKs do not, I dont care not my problem or my responsibility, nor worth the aggravation. Since I pay the Bill's there is a limit on shower time. SK would stay in the shower 45min to 1h. That's absurd, so I made a rule 15 min showers and when it's not followed, they get a 5 min reminder then I turn the hot water to the bathroom off, problem solved. I only focus my energy on what I can control and nothing else. I am much happier and less stressed for it. Sks have learned what I say I mean, so they have stopped testing my limits and show respect for the home we share, and they hated me anyways and decided I was the cause of all thier problems so it's not like enforcing household rules has effected that part of our relationship.