I hear ya AND I feel ya! Believe me - I so get what you mean.

I agree that what your SKids have is not your problem. It was up to DH and BM to save for their college education, not you. If they didn't, they can't expect you to make up for that. Also, it's not your duty to make sure everything is even steven between your kids and your SKids. The SKids parents made a choice of their own and your children shouldn't have to suffer because they made the wrong choice. 

I've told DH that if he and I have a child together, I will be putting lots of money aside for that child. If he wants to start putting money aside - after our expenses have been paid - for SSs, he's free to do so, but he can't expect me to manage that for him. Also, he can't expect me to subsidize joint expenses in order for him to fund SSs. 

DH had put $60K aside about 10 years ago for a college fund for SSs. If invested properly, that would have provided a sizeable amount of funding for college for each kid. However, BM spent it, so that's on her. It was also DH's inheritance money, so not joint property under the law, but DH allowed her to spend it while they were married, so he's out of luck. I can feel bad for him that he was snookered by BM, but that doesn't mean I need to make up for it. 

OP, you say it is now your responsibility to help skids college now? I disagree!! It is NOT your responsibility and don't let anyone guilt you into thinking that!

If ultimately your dh will pay for $20k per kid (including yours), fine! But what YOU want to do is up to you! Skid mom does contribute as much to HER kids does NOT affect what YOU do for YOUR kids. The kids have different parents - everything will not be equal, unless you happen to contribute the same amount (which doesn't sound likely).

My formerSO used to say stuff like that all the time. "Well other kids didn't 'x'" OH WELL THAT WAS THEIR MOM'S DECISION! I refused to be the same parent that she was (crappy, and he and mil said it all the time). Like, you complain abour her, yet want me to be like her? Made no damn sense. And it got old. Fast! 

You should just tell him that you learnt a valuable lesson from him and BM’s lack of planning and don’t want history to repeat itself. 

...the only big, odd stipulation (according to my lawyer) I put into my divorce decree with XH was that we each had to put a specific dollar amount every month into a college fund for DS. I wouldn't expect a new hubby to pay, I wouldn't expect to pay for skids to go to college, and I sure as hell expect to pay for my own other bio kids but fully expect the other bio parent to contribute, too.

This drives me nuts too. I planned to buy a nice wooden toy kitchen for my son's first birthday and when I brought it up to DH, he said "keep in mind, SD always wanted one but we never got her one." Well hello... You make very minimal money and BM doesn't contribute anything, so nope, she didn't get one. But my son sure as hell got one for his first birthday. I'm sure all big purchases will be like that but it's not my fault Dh/BM didn't buy their kid nice things growing up. My son will have them because his mom works her butt off to afford them. 

Saving for them was not my problem" and I know that was not the right thing to say.

Actually it was the exact right thing to say. He just didnt want to hear it. What an ahole for not wanting to do better with his young children than he did the first time around.

Im not wishing for more kids but I sure wish I had a second chance to do everything perfect now that Ive raised my kids. Having skids is not a 2nd chance though. I dont get to raise them

I actually adore my skids & want them to have the best opportunities BUT I (& my children's Father) made choices, DIFFERENT choices, than my husband & his ex.

My children's Father & I made conscious choices to finish College (debt free), purchase homes, invest an inheritance, serve in the military, etc. We avoided acquiring debt, chose public education for our young children & know we want the world for them. We kept their education in mind, during our divorce. 

My husband & his ex had an unexpected pregnancy, my husband left College & didn't finish for many years (with lots of student debt), his ex never did. They filed bankruptcy early (reportedly due to fraud by a parent). They acquired debt, great vacation memories & nice cars. They sent 3 kids to private school. They took forever to buy a home & had that home foreclosed upon, after BM took out a HELOC & didn't pay it (see part of why they're divorced?). BM also had a series of failed businesses, none of which she was qualified for. And don't get me started on her filing for 50% of all "kids accounts", guess what? The 50% she was given to control is gone...

My kids are benefiting from choices made by their parents. They each have free in-state tuition through VA Benefits, their Father's GI Bill, all the money invested & saved (roughly $150k each) & they have top-notch academics, qualifying them for some scholarship money.

My skids are great academically, I have worked hard to ensure that. THAT is my "contribution".

I love my skids but they have different parents than my kids. Additionally, my ex has a new child, his new wife makes infinitely more than I do & he makes 3-4 times what he did when we had "little ones" (he is almost 20 years older & has 2 PhD's now). His new child will not have access to any of his GI Bill but will have the VA Benefits. I am certain he will save differently for his new (& any additional children). That's the RIGHT thing to do. And my children will learn that those children benefit from BOTH parents (not like they should ever complain with all we've done for them but just incase).

For what BM and BF did for SK.  It’s there fault, and there problem.  It has nothing to do what you do for your bios,  just because SK got nothing , doesn’t mean your bios get nothing. Zigs a different time and a more responsibility on your part.  Your bio should get the world, SK get what they get.  Do not pay for SK education 

That i wanted money put aside for our kids in savings

the skids aren’t on good trustworthy terms with hubby mainly with pas aggression courtesy of bio mum and bio mum is beyond bat shit crazy.

i told hubby whilst our kids are toddlers that we should put money aside for their education and with our age difference I don’t want to be stuck dealing with a psycho exwife pas skids to the max and worrying about them and how we’ll survive financially so while hubby earns alot and 2 skids are adults, its smart that our kids get money put aside when skids all get an allowance

at first hubby thought i was being greedy about money but he didn’t want to admit he wasn’t being fair. He thought well kids haven’t started school so i’ll just keep the money and give savings to the skids and when our kids start school then start savings. Well what happens then if hubby loses his job etc. Hubby wasn’t being fair when skids have everything paid off plus getting an allowance

skids and exwife are not frugal with money. They guilt people into feeling sorry for them, con people into giving money or steal it but that shouldn’t guilt me into wanting our kids recieving the same benefit as skids or hubby isn’t being fair

Even kids in intact families get different privileges, based on maturity, responsibility, attitude, etc. This is especially true if there are several years between them. Sometimes, what is possible now, was not possible, then.

What your two kids get has absolutely nothing to do with what the step kids get (or don't get). They are not your responsibility and they are no longer toddlers, so it's not even a fair comparison.

"well, the other kids don't have that..."

Because the other kids didn't have parents who were thinking about it or inclined to do it, or they couldn't afford it, or whatever. So, your kids should suffer just because your husband and BM didn't make provisions for their own kids? That is absolutely not your problem and it's not on you to rectify it. And it is certainly not a reason to deny your kids something that you can and want to do for them.

I deal with this same thing with my DH. DH and BM had a small amount saved for the skids college, and BM blew it on plastic surgery right before they split. 

I just have a set budget of $150 per kid for birthdays, same for all, my DD1 and DD3 as well as all skids (13,15,17). I've found that it takes effort to spend $150 on a 1 year old so I buy some gifts, and the rest goes into a college fund, and I've told my whole family that if they are willing, contributions to that over a gift is always appreciated. 

Also, I'm just waiting for the dust to settle some, I know that 10 years from now once the skids college time is passed it won't be an issue.

What your H and his Ex did or didn't do like saving for college for their kid is not your problem and frankly it has nothing to do with what you do for yours. This situation is different and he shouldn't even be comparing it.

I started them. 

"It's not my resposibility nor my problem if the kid down the street has a college fund.  Thats on their father and mother."  Then just stare at him until you see the spark in his eyes that lets you know something clicked.

Of course your money should be saved for your bio kids. But your husband is within his rights to use his money to support all his kids or none of his kids...so you can do what you want with your money but he is in his rights to do things equally for ALL his kids.

Tell him to apply for as many scholarships as humanly possible.

But that doesnt mean that I owe skids anything. Im workng with DH on buying our house that we live in. I make more than he does now, but he understands that kiddos are NOT my responsibility. Im not paying for college - she will probably have to take out loans. I dont pay when he takes us all out for meals. I do what I want for her when I want to. Its always been understood.

Right now, Toxic Troll is spending the teachers retirement she recently cashed out of when she lost her teaching job. So, Munchkin gets to go shopping here and there - car shopping for mom. Hopefully she is going to take her daughter out for new clothes. I dont do that anymore. Summers is approaching - I used to buy her sandals and swimming suites. That is no longer my job! I am free to buy for me.

The group of us who are baby boomers or close to it, worked our rears off possibly 2 jobs AND class loads. Some of us lived with friends (you know 18 and now adults)  so our money from jobs paid our rent, food, cars etc. Paying for school would come after we graduated. We would never use school money to support us. IT was for school...not the bar, rent or a MK bag.

  Asking our parents for money was a sign of immaturity but first and foremost it was NOT going to happen anyway and WE knew it. Mom and Dad were saving their money for their  deserved Retirement. WE were adults now----so start "adulting"

IF we didn't have scholarships that too was a sign we didnt take pride on working super hard to get them.. Getting in to college or trade school was a privilege that only WE could earn with hard work. 

student loans WE were required to pay lock stock and barrel.  We we lucky to bring home wash and NOT pay for laundry detergent...maybe get a free meal IF our parents were not too tired. .

Things are so upside down these last 3 decades. I have seen it unfold to now it is laughable. Look at recent events where parents were arrested, being part of a huge scam so their kiddos were placed in the right school....Current group of parents are falling into that trap.

. Everyone needs a trophy, 5 year olds should have cell phones... everyone goes for broke because the Jones are sending their kids to USC, UNC  or abcdefg----gotta keep up with our neighbors or what do we have to talk about at the next cookout IF we cant gush about what school our kids are hopefully going to at 'our' expense.

Go ahead---dont save for your retirement, save to put Sally and Johnny thru a 4 maybe 6 year program then can"t find a real job for 40k to 120 k later of student loan debt. Try to do both on a Middle America income

how about joining the service there you get squares, a cot and a free college education PLUS retirement check if you stay on for 20years plus. There is a novel idea.

What ever happened to "IF You want to eat the steak you have to put your teeth in it". Not anymore the majority of parents these days will chew it for them.

PLEASE put your future planning in place for 6months saved in the awful event you or your husband have catastrophic illness/injury and cant work. Also save enough for Elder Care Facility. ....no one thinks about that until it's too late.

You can help your kids in other ways...but not at your expense at age 45, 50 or older.

Just something to think about ok?

Sorry your dh tells you this stuff....Men don't think like that,,i bet BM is behind it. JMO

I get this to a degree as well. Such as professional newborn to 1 year photo sessions. My response was "I don't care. That was you and her. I'm not her. I'm going to do things the way I want with my child. You and her's parenting choices will not be influencing mine."