Step Kids Have Extreme Social Development Issues, Driving Me Nuts!!!
Help! My fiancé and I are getting married in 2 months. I'm now scared to death about having to live with his kids that I'm beginning to dread this, and I feel terribly guilty. The kids are a 10 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. My fiancé has full custody and the children’s' mother lives out of state and hasn't attempted to contact them in 6 years.
The more time I spend with these kids, the more I feel that my fiancé is to blame. He seems very observant and "with it", except when it comes to his kids. I have not started acting as their authority figure yet, but we're moving in together this weekend. I already spend 3 nights a week there. Currently, his kids only bathe on Sunday evenings. They almost always smell funny and have bad breath. The boy is desperately in need of a haircut, and the girl's hair always looked unbrushed. Their dad eats healthily, but it seems that he keeps a lot of junk food around for the kids and they are allowed to eat it whenever they please. The daughter is quite overweight. Their clothing is always wrinkled, unmatching, and too small. For obvious reasons, (and I haven't even gone INTO their social skills and manners), they are total social outcasts at school. They both complain about being picked on, not having friends, and being alone at recess.
I don't know what to make of their behavior. They are extremely needy. I know that some step parents have the opposite problem, but these kids are all over me, constantly telling me that they love me, fighting over who gets to sit on my lap ( feel they're too old for this), trying to hold my hand, cuddle with me on the couch, etc. They do not do this with their dad. Socially, they do not know how to give other people any personal space. They do the same thing to my poor daughter, who begrudgingly puts up with it well. They constantly interrupt, hit each other, yell everything they say, and need constant attention. When I asked my fiancé, he said that neither kid has ever had a play date in their entire lives, because they can just "play with each other". The kids are not involved in any extracurricular activities or daycare; they go to their grandparent's house after school until my fiancé picks them up at 5 and then puts them to bed at 7:30 (I think this is too early for their age). Neither child has a single friend. They have never been in any sort of counseling. In my opinion, it seems like my fiancé has been so overwhelmed by the task of parenting on his own that he avoids them emotionally and limits the amount of time he has to deal with them (he would disagree).
I know it's easy to favor your own children. They don't really affect my disabled daughter, but I feel like moving my 8 year old daughter into their home part time is going to be more difficult than I had anticipated. She goes to a special school for advanced students, speaks 3 languages, is an athlete, and is considered well-liked and pretty. She's practically an adult compared to my fiancé’s kids. Luckily she is a very compassionate and kind little girl, and I think that having to help with and deal with her disabled sister has made a huge impact on her life in those regards. She's not perfect by any means, but my fiancé expects the 3 of them to all play together, and for my daughter to bring his daughter along on her playdates. I feel like her playdates are kind of a safe refuge where she doesn't have to deal with his kids all of the time.
Is it too late for these kids to develop social skills? Half of what they need are baths, healthy meals, haircuts, and clothes that fit. These are things that I can provide. Kids this age can be very cruel to one another, so I'm sure his kids' appearances are off-putting to their peers.
The other stuff I'm not so sure about. I'd like them to see a counselor, I'd like to help them have classmates over for successful playdates, develop some hobbies, etc. I'd like to teach them to respect other people's "personal space bubble", that they don't need to yell and repeat everything they've said in the midst of a normal, inside conversation, and explain why kicking their "playground enemies" in the shins will only alienate them further. I feel like I can barely scratch the surface when I talk to my fiancé about this, or he gets extremely hurt. I want to help these kids fit in, but I'm not sure if it's over-stepping my bounds and if I'll make them feel like "What's wrong with the way I am?" instead of heeding the advice and getting better. Are they already too old for guidance and behavior modification in this area, especially coming from a step parent? My fiancé said that if I want his kids to be more socially adaptable that he will need my help to make them that way, but I don't know if it's my job. I feel like he's shirking responsibility, and I'm resenting all three of them right now during a time that I feel like I should be joyful. They seem oblivious to how it is affecting me and my daughter. 
Oh, wow. There are so, so
Oh, wow. There are so, so many red flags here.
Look, you probably don't want to hear this, but please, please, put the wedding on hold.
There are lots and lots of issues here that may or may not be worked out. But it seems like the cards aren't stacked in your favor, and I think that at least until you have a better idea of how daily life will be in this new blend of family, I really hope you will do yourself a favor and not marry this guy. The divorce, and all the difficulties and suffering leading up to it, will be so very taxing. And expensive.
PLEASE don't marry him right now. Yeah, I know it's easy to say, "But the invitations are already printed, we've already put a deposit on the place, etc." But the expense and the preparation are nothing compared to the money you will spend on a divorce that happened because you rushed into this while you were having doubts and before you had any idea what you were in for.
From where I sit, it seems to me that you are going to be insta-mommy. The dad doesn't do anything. You see so much wrong with the way the kids are raised. But instead of encouraging him to change these things on his own, and waiting to see results, you are jumping in there. Once you're moved in and/or married, he will have no reason to change. So then you are stuck with two options: 1) Kill yourself trying to make up for the lack of parenting they have had for so long, spending probably a lot more time parenting them than you are your own kids, and being resented for it by the skids AND by your fiancé. You will become resentful of him, lose respect for him, be angrier all the time at the kids, and eventually the marriage will end, because nothing will change.
OR 2) You manage to resist the temptation to parent his kids at all, and just live with the fact of who they are now and that they won't change. And you just don't go there. Ever. My guess, though, is that if you have noticed all these things about the kids, living with them it will drive you too crazy to resist trying to make things better. And you know what? It won't really work. Because the only person who can change this is their dad.
Good luck. Please recognize that your dread is you trying to tell yourself something. Don't feel guilty -- listen to yourself. If your guilt leads you to not take any action, then you are leading yourself down a path that will only be worse later than it would if you broke things off right now. Breaking them off after 4 years of marriage will be much more difficult for everyone, including yourself.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
It's hard in a situation
It's hard in a situation like this. No, it's not your problem, but in reality if you love this man, it is.
My SD-17 has many of these same issues. I realized she was simply never taught different. So I began to teach her. Yes, it did hurt my DH's feelings. But I explained to him that he did the best he could do. Now you can do better together.
Try a summer day camp. Or have them join different organizations such as girl scouts or dance class. Let them separate from each other and experience new things.
My response is somewhere in
My response is somewhere in between bellbedouse's and nkbrown's.
I totally agree with not marrying him yet. Put it off a year. These kids need some serious one on one with someone to turn them around. I think the majority of that should be with their dad. You should have a serious heart to heart with him to see if he even has it in him. Tell him you'll be there to back him up, but he needs to step up and help his children. You should be able to gauge from this conversation if he is capable of this and whether or not you should give it the year.
I say a year because, my DH has an aunt who is raising her grandson who is 12. The kid is socially awkward and I know it's because DH's aunt thought she was done raising kids when he came to live with them when he was barely 2. They're tired, they haven't put as much effort in parenting him as the others. He's a good kid, just kind of nerdy and doesn't have many friends. Doesn't play well with others, if things don't go his way or if he's not good at something he acts like a two year old. So DH's aunt has in the past asked DH to take him and "toughen him up". Take him to do boy things because he spends so much time with her, like fishing, camping, playing ball, whatever. So we took him camping once last May. The kid was a horrible camper, whined about everything the whole time. What we did, what we ate, everything and mind you this kid has been a scout his whole life. But he couldn't manage to take down his tent by himself. He nearly cried. He threw several fits throughout the weekend. I never wanted to take him camping again.
Well, surprisingly enough, he enjoyed it so much, he got his grandparents to take him a few more times last summer and his granddad spent time showing him how to camp. And I'm guessing DH's aunt took care of the whiney part. We took him with us again early last fall and he was wonderful. He was a camping pro and he didn't complain the whole time. But the learning, had to come from his parents (which in his case happen to be his grandparents). I've seen much improvement overall in his behavior as a result of this time.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe don't throw up you hands entirely at the situation. But you're going to have to figure out if you're DH is going to be able to parent his kids because no one else can do it for him with the love and patience that it requires.
You know, our wedding is
You know, our wedding is going to be so small that postponing is going to be less of an issue than it would be for some people. I think that deep down, I must have been hoping that someone would tell me that the red flags mean it's a bad idea; or at least too soon.
I'm so bummed out, because I love their dad very much, and he is the most thoughtful, caring, and supportive partner I have ever had. It's still not adding up to me that these behaviors aren't carrying over to his kids. He had never been on a single date since his wife left them 6 years ago, so perhaps he's just been starved for adult companionship. I don't know...
The thing is, there is some parallel universe in which I could see myself loving these kids and their behavior evening out. I don't totally despise them (yet, anyway...). It's not that I WANT to be the one to change them; I do want it to be him. I just think it needs to come from somewhere.
As it stands though, right now I don't think the situation is fair to my daughters or to me. I just feel guilty because it sounds like I'm feeling superior to them or accusing them of operating on a lower brain frequency.
They can't do what they
They can't do what they don't know. No offense to fathers out there - but my DH just "assumed" his daughter knew these things. At 17 she wasn't bathing daily and smelled. I told her and she was surprised that she should do it -- has been ever since.
Same with the way she dressed. She dressed with all her assets hanging out and she is well endowed. I took her shopping and "helped' her pick out mroe appropriate outfits - without saying it directly. She is dressing so much better.
And we have worked on her social skills. She had none. She thought having a bad attitude was ok. I am showing her by example that an attitude is a choice you use sparingly.
And to be honest - your bf may not see the things you see. To him they are just his kids.
Yep, you should wait. I
Yep, you should wait. I would also say that before you get married you should move in together although I didn't (but wish I would have). If I would have lived with my DH before we got married (6 months ago) I wouldn't have gone through with it.
My DH is sweet, generous, compassionate and loves me, my children and his own 2 kids very much but has many of the same issues that you speak of. His two kids (15 and 12) are social outcasts. The oldest refuses to bathe unless hounded to, won't wear deodorant and dresses like a little old man. He will wear dirty clothes every day if you let him. My SD is just "off" and has never kept the same friend for more than 9 months or so. She's terribly annoying and has such a hard time respecting people space. I don't even know how to help her fix it. What do you say to these kids to even help them? They have bizarre personality traits and at this point it seems to be fairly ingrained.
My BD is in high school and is pretty, well-liked and very outgoing. She and my BS have play dates, are engaged in school and involved with outside activities. I have to say, it's HARD to have them living together. My BD is embarrassed to have SS as a step-sibling and is teased about it at school. He is so strange and encourages people to think he doesn't fit in... such as running up to people making very odd comments about mythical creatures, believing he can build a time machine and telling everyone he is smarter than Einstein. My BS resents my SD trying to follow him around when he has friends over.
I've tried to address the SD12 with proper clothing choices, hygiene and social skills with some success. SS is just a lost cause at the moment.
I absolutely RESENT having to fix problems with his children that I didn't create, and they're problems I tried very hard with my children to avoid by teaching them correctly. I RESENT my DH for not taking more ownership of it. I RESENT the kids for not learning some of their Dad's wonderful qualities and turning out just like their crazy mom. I RESENT the kids for disrupting my own childrens lives. I'm flat out ANGRY to see skids disrespecting their Dad and not doing the right thing.
The stress is hard but we're making progress. I recognize that not only do I not love these kids, but I don't even like them and they should have had someone in their lives that loved them. I treat them with respect and avoid them whenever possible. All of the things that you're afraid of (which were my fears) may come true and be a thousand times worse than what you can imagine.
I love my DH but really wish I would have waited because having his kids around disrupts so much of my cherished time with my own children who I love very much. It wasn't fair for them to expose them to such hard problems to deal with.