SD takeover continues
I blogged The other night about SD removing SSs belongings from his bedroom - he is away at school and she wants his room. She didn't have permission to do that, she didn't ask but she already knew DH was not going to make a decision about bedrooms until at least after the holidays. She has been gone all weekend so it has not been addressed. Just a little bit ago, DH gets a call that she and BM are st Target in SSs car, and the battery is dead. They want him to come help. I am ticked off by this for 2 reasons. One, SSs car is in DHs name. Apparently SS gave permission for them to use his car while SD learns to drive, but no one asked DH. SS had asked BM to store it, which DH agreed to because she has garage space but we don't. I want to ask DH to bring it back over here, they should not be driving a car that is not theirs? - or is this none of my business? Second reason, why are they calling DH to come help them....BM has a live in boyfriend, friends parents nearby, and a cell phone to look up AAA. If it were just SD stuck somewhere sure, but the more I think about this the more I am ticked off....at him too because of course he just trotted off to do it. To top it off, as we are standing there talking while he is putting his coat on, SD called to tell at him bc he hadn't left yet...it had literally been 7 minutes. I am over all of it....I am hoping writing it out will help me release some of this before he gets back.
Face facts
You are not number one, or number two, maybe a distance number three. BM and SD comes before you. Time to have a heart to heart talk with SO. Either thing change or you have to leave, or except this is the way is going to be. Maybe he should have sex with BM every other week for the kids
insurance?
I am gonna take a stab here, that since technically it is DH car that hes holding the insurnace? and if thats the case the car must be stored at DH house otherwise thats insurnace fraud. and if BM and SD are not listed as drivers of that car then you got more problems. if its wrecked or involved in a wreck then DH is gonna be in BIG trouble. and if you are on DH insurnace too...its gonna affect you too.
if all the above is true...you could consider the car stolen.
The exposure to risk issue ...
...is something that you & DH should address. Your gut feeling of "well, this doesn't feel right & I can't put a finger on it" is spot on, IMO.
Yep.
Yep.
We faced this problem exactly with an unscrupulous / idiot BM who...though she was 42 or so years old at the time...didn't seem to have any clue how insuarnce worked. Or, so she claimed. Lazy cow.
We're STILL cleaning up the mess that she caused for OSD five years ago...because, of course, she's not going to. We have OSD on our insurance now (she's off at college, so she's allowed to be on our insurance).
The price tag for us? An additional $250 / month.
Get that car back. If the car is in his name but he has no control over how or when it's used...he still has ALL the liability. It's like handing someone a loaded gun registered in your name. Stupid idea.
Ugh, the boundaries are awful
Ugh, the boundaries are awful. SD is with BM and they call DH? No - BM is a grown-up, she can figure out how to get the car started without calling her ex-husband.
If the car is in DH's name, it's not SS's car, it's DH's, and SS has no business leaving it at BM's, or letting his sister drive it without DH in the car. Why can't BM teach SD to drive on her own car?
Does SD feel like SS gets preferential treatment? That's what I'm hearing underlying this. She thinks it's unfair that he has a car and the better room ...
My DH bought SD a car for
My DH bought SD a car for work & pd insurance & when BMs car got repo'd she drive the car. This was before we were together or it would not have happened. An accident would go against our insurance and if someone got hurt and BM has no insurance Im sure they would sue us. Skids live with us now & SD19 pays for her own car so it wont happen anyways. Talk to your husband about liability.
Need more information on this car
Did DH buy a car? Does SD have a learners permit, but not allowed a car to pracice on? Does DH take her to practice drive. I see a trend here of DH (and OP) favoring the boy.
I disagree that SS seems to
I disagree that SS seems to be favored over SD- SS is 19, SD is younger and just getting started with driving. It makes sense that SS has his own car, but SD does not yet (She doesn't even have a license yet, correct?). Also, SS is the older child, typically they get the bigger, better room. I think a lot of what's happening is just because of his status as older child.
But yeah, get that car back! A BM driving/helping SD drive a car that's in DH's name...no no no.
I know how you feel about him
I know how you feel about him dropping whatever to go help. My boyfriend's kid is still a toddler, but every time his ex needs something she calls him.
It drives me nuts because I feel like I'm the third wheel sometimes. He always says "I'm going for SS not for her" which I get, but she's also the one that needs help.. So i know what you mean! But as my boyfriend would say... I'm sure he's just going for his daughter, and not for his ex!
I don't think it's out of line at all for you to ask to store the car at your place, you could just mention that it's in his name and you want to look out for that, because it's true.
I hope everything works out!
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the feedback, I am glad I am not totally off base. DH and I have not talked about it yet, I wanted to cool off last night and he has the tendency to avoid these conversations. I can't say what SDs perspective is, maybe she does feel SS is favored here. SS has always favored our house while she favors BM. We have always tried to schedule family things like game nights, out to dinner, etc, and over the last few years she has opted out to stay at BMs. So it has been her choice to have space, and SSs choice to be involved.. The rooms came down to age, SD as a sweet 8 year old even voluntarily said she would take the smallest room . Nobody really wanted the basement room at first, but after we remodeled it and they got older it became more appealing. We have remodeled her room also and bought new furniture more than once, but unfortunately we can't stretch the room. SSs room is not a ton bigger, it's just configured differently - it's not like he has a far superior space and she's stuck in a hole. We do have a 13 year old SUV for SD. I bought it new, and we are passing it through each new driver. Our boys each drive it for at least a year, then is passes to the next and we get something a little more to their taste - in SSs case, we got a 14 year old Honda coupe, it is a nice looking car. SD hates the SUV because it's "not her", but loves the Honda. So she'll just take it, like she tried to do with the bedroom. I have a huge problem with kids being in charge. SD is in charge at BMs house - she had the master bedroom and BM pretty much does what she wants. BM has influenced her that is how it should be here also. So they use the card that DH isn't doing what he should as a father a lot, when actually he is just not giving in to everything It causes him a lot of guilt and fear of losing SD, so he tends to go along with things. Which is why he hopped in the car to go help last night, he didn't want to be accused of not helping his daughter. I get why he does what he does, I just don't want to live my life and run my household based on what SD and BM think. I can't. I am not sure what the solution is. But I do know, with the help of all of your feedback, that I am asking him to bring SS s car back here