Product of Divorce
Over the weekend SS28 was in town. He was complaining about SD18 bugging him to let her come visit so she can go bar hopping. She told him "don't worry, I have a fake, it's not like you'll have to sneak me in bars". He said I don't want her here. I'm not contributing to her behavior. Which I applaud him for his response. We got to talking about her behavior and how she is giving up and choosing alcohol over school and her future. SS's response was "she's a product of a divorce what do you expect?".
Really? A product of divorce? Anyone else every hear this from their Stepkids or spouses?
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OMG!
Yes!! My SD17 says this to my H. She says BM choose her stepdad over her..wha wha wha and thats why she doesn't want to live with her. Whenever my H does call her out on her bad behavior (which is VERY RARE) she whines that her life is so hard because her parents divorced. Oh, and our household is horrible too. So, basically she is with us because there is no where else to go. booohoooohooo!
I guess its just the time because I am a product of a divorced home and I never ever used that excuse!
I would have thrown that shit
I would have thrown that shit right back at him. Does he act that way? Plenty of kids survive divorce and go on to be responsible adults. We don't here about them here much but they do exist. This site isn't much for the problem free situations. LOL
Its good that he's not falling for her act. It does need to made clear that divorce is not the cause of her choices.
what a crock of shit!
Download some pictures
Download some pictures of children caught up in bombings in Syria, Bosnia, and Gaza. Throw in a few of children from the genocide in Rwanda and the child soldiers in Sierra Leone. Next time they talk about how they get to behave badly because their parents are divorced, toss the pictures in front of them and say "Wow - I guess these kids must REALLY have an excuse to act out, huh?"
Or maybe not. I did it a few years ago. My husband was not very happy with me. Especially when I asked him to explain exactly where I was wrong. Much sputtering and stomping and "you always hated my kids." He did not like me pointing out that there were plenty of kids in the world who had much much much worse things happen than a middle-class suburban divorce!
My DH's family is still using
My DH's family is still using the excuse that SD18's grandmother died when she was 5 and her parents divorced when she was 6 as the reason her life is so hard and the excuse why she won't work. My kids' lost 3 of their grandparents within the same year and their parents divorced too, but yet, they both work full time. Hell, SS - her own brother - works full time and did as soon as he got out of high school. Just STOP with the excuses for SD18.
Dh and BM divorced over 13
Dh and BM divorced over 13 years ago and were separated 2 years before that and it's still ss33's excuse for everything. Honestly I think he's right though because DH and BM have coddled him ever since.
Just laugh and say sure.
Just laugh and say sure. Medium chill.
Weird. My dad died
Weird. My dad died unexpectedly at 49 after a 10-year battle with a neurological disease that turned his brain to mush and made the home chaotic.
And, yet. All 6 of his kids have comeback from the brink of bankruptcy, paid their own way through school, and are productive members of society. Several of us have even gone to graduate school...and we recently pooled together to pay off the rest of my mom’s mortgage for her.
No one ever told us we were victims, and I’ve never felt like one.
Meanwhile...skids have been told their whole lives that they went through unbelievable trauma when their dad moved ten minutes away...and have been coddled by both parents and aunts, uncles, and grandparents ever since. I’m so shocked that they’re not amounting to much...
Uhhh I had divorced parents
Uhhh I had divorced parents and a crazy GUBM mother and I work full-time, probably about to get promoted, never drink, save money, etc. That is just a lame excuse for not taking responsibility while the disney family members enable it.
Not all divorces are created
Not all divorces are created equal.
Some really do tear apart a family and break down the rules and authority that keep kids on the right track -- especially when the parents are at each other's throats. Others are tight-ship divorces that keep authority and expectations of kids' behavior in check.
Divorces are just like parents -- if they ran a tight ship before, maybe that will continue. If not, the kids will probably have free run to get into all kinds of trouble with the divorce as the convenient excuse.
When my sister-in-law's parents divorced, it seemed nothing changed for her. But clearly when my husband divorced, the chaos that caused the divorce in the first place was still in play and wreaked havoc on who she is as a person. My sister-in-law's parents were task masters who took no crap before they divorced, but I have a feeling my husband's first marriage was never very effective, even at its best. Totally different scenarios because the people are so different.
This is so true!
Usually, the problems in the relationship existed well before the divorce and would likely have existed if the parents in question stayed married.
I tell DH all the time that the divorce is the best thing that ever happened to BM because she can now blame him (DH) for everything, even things that have nothing to do with him and get sympathy.
The same will be true of my SSs. Their real problem is that their mother has a personality disorder and therefore has not progressed emotionally beyond being a teenager herself. Those same issues would have existed whether DH stayed married to her or not. Could he have been a moderating force for SSs if he was living with them, full time? Maybe, but I suspect that due to BM's mental health issues, he would have simply retreated further into himself than he had already done when they were married and likely would have engaged in parenting behavior that was just as dysfunctional as hers.
Now, he's just been totally removed from their life as a parental figure, thanks to BM's manipulations (she tells the kids he's "just being mean" when he expects anything from them and then tells him "the kids don't want to be around you, because they feel like you only criticize them"), but I feel like that would have happened even if BM & DH had stayed married, because their marriage was so dysfunctional. At least now that DH has escaped BM's abuse, he's better able to be a more functional, adult person. Maybe some of that will rub off on SSs.
My MIL
When DH was growing up, there was a kid in his class who was bothering him and MIL told him, "his parents are divorced, so you can't expect the same from him," She has taken this same approach to SSs - that we should all feel bad and let them behave terribly, because it's not their fault.
Of course, SSs have more friends with divorced parents than married parents, so I'm not sure why it still becomes such an excuse when it's more the norm.