SD11 is coming tomorrow for the first time in over 4 months...
My husband is picking her up and just bringing her for a day visit. I have no idea what we're going to do or how things are going to be when she first gets to our house. DD7 is very excited, although I wish my husband hadn't told her that SD is coming just in case BM pulls another stunt and doesn't send her.
After the whole room saga, we took down the bed in the play room. It's now in DS2's room for when he's out of his crib and I moved some things around in the play room to organize it better. If SD ends up staying nights again at some point, there is another bedroom all set up and ready to go for her. However, I'm now anticipating that something to do with the bed situation will come into play again - maybe SD will be upset that we took it down in her absence.....who knows. Maybe we should have left it up but with everything that was going on we didn't even think she'd be coming back, plus *apparently* it was such an awful set up to begin with. I guess we'll just have to try to explain to her that as a result of this whole situation (BM involving lawyers and the therapist rather than just HAVING SD TELL US SHE WANTED A DIFFERENT ROOM), it's what we thought she wanted.
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No Need to Explain Anything to SD
as it will just be twisted regardless of what you say back to the "mothership"
"Dad and Binky moved AAALLLLLL my stuff into another room; this means they don't want me around, doesn't it moooommmyyyyyyykins?" (GUBM maniacally grins with delight and rubs hands together)
So true. It's so hard to know
So true. It's so hard to know what to do now because no matter what happens, everything we say or do will be twisted. That was happening for years anyway, but now it will be ramped up x100.
Sadly Yes
DH has decided to turn all the power over to the BM and SD. . .and they KNOW it. It wil be used against him explicitly from here on out. Best to disengage and NEVER allow yourself, DD or DS to be alone with SD.. . .EVER now that she is one of the GUBM's flying monkeys and has had a taste of power. Oh the stories she will CONTINUE to fabricate!!!
I remember years ago when GBM
I remember years ago when GBM started interviewing SD after her visits and documenting everything that happened. She would send her list of notes to BM's lawyer. The things she documented were SO STUPID and she looked for the negative aspect of any situation.
Example:
"SD said that she doesn't like how Binky rinses her hair in the bathtub."
So instead of recognizing that I was clearly caring for this child by bathing her and washing her hair, they vilified me for how I was rinsing her hair. And for the record, now that I have my own kids, I rinse their hair the same way I rinsed SD's and they've never complained about it. It's just rinsing hair.....there's only so many ways to do it.
^^^^ This 100%^^^^
Make sure you get those nanny cams installed, if you don't have them installed yet, do not be in the same room with her without your DH being there.
I'm planning on taking DS to
I'm planning on taking DS to a neighboring city to run some errands for the morning....not sure what we'll do for the afternoon. But yes, I won't be alone with her under any circumstances.
My husband doesn't think cameras are necessary (although I'm still looking in to them), but he has agreed to email BM to ask her to retract her allegations. We now have THREE independent parties who won't back up BM's story, plus if she's sending SD for a visit now she clearly can't be concerned.
Your Husband
is living in a fool's paradise. He's snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Cams UP! Sincerely doubt the BM will retract now that she's gotten what she's wanted aka ad hoc non-parental status babysitting to her liking.
Protect your husband from
Protect your husband from himself and install the cameras yourself.
With the allegations still
With the allegations still looming out there, I'd only want to be in a public place with her...
it would be GREAT
If DH could "see his daughter" in a public place like a library with librarians watching and leave your house and bios out of it!
Oh boy, I wouldn't explain
Oh boy, I wouldn't explain anything to SD, it your house and the adults get to make the decsions in it, not SD or BM or anyone else for that matter.
As long as SD and BM can see him chasing, they will continue to use him as their personal pinata. Idiot men.
I totally agree about parents
I totally agree about parents making decisions in houses. I just don't want her to get here and be upset right away about it. Yeah, I guess we just need to tell her we decided to move the bed and that's that.
I want my husband to take the lead on SD's visits from now on and dictate when and how he sees her. I don't think she should be coming for overnights for quite a while now after what's gone on. I don't think it's good for her and I don't it's good for us. I've told him he needs to be TELLING BM exactly how it's going to go or else he'll take her back to court. He has a tendency to just sit back and wait for BM to dictate everything and he's always ASKING her when he can see SD, etc. It's so brutal. I wish he'd grow a pair.
Binky, for your own piece of
Binky, for your own piece of mind, I think you and your child need to be ANYWHERE else but home during that visit. I'm sorry, but your DH is very foolish to have SD in your home at this time.
I agree. I tried telling him
I agree. I tried telling him that and I was told "I just want to see my daughter!" We're going to see a counsellor next week to discuss everything surrounding this issue. I have two kids though, and one is very excited to see her sister (I didn't want her to know about the visit ahead of time but my idiot husband told her). It's really such a hard situation to be in.
I also told my husband he needs to email the therapist and BM to make sure they understand that nothing in our household has changed or will change as far as how we parent the children. They need to understand that if SD hears the word "no" or if we make a decision she doesn't like or if she gets in trouble, it's not "abuse" and it's not a good enough reason for BM to withold visitation again. Of course he doesn't want to rock the boat anymore though.....he truly has no spine.
I understand the child's
I understand the child's excitement of seeing SD, but this is shaky situation. I would stll take both of them and be gone from the house during SD's visit. If you're going to remain there with your children, then I urge you to have someone else there, too. And I'd seriously consider using my phone to record EVERYTHING.
Thanks. That's a good idea
Thanks. That's a good idea about recording everything with my phone. I will be gone for part of the day with one child, but the other will be there with SD and my husband. He even asked DD if she wants to go along to pick up SD so now she's so excited about it. I'm going to broach this topic again this evening and I'll probably tell DD she needs to come with me in the morning instead of going with my husband. Then my husband is forced to be alone with SD for part of the day and we'll only be around her for the afternoon.
Has he been painted a picture
Has he been painted a picture of life with none of you in it? Its really hard to respect a spineless man. I hate playing games, but at one time my DH was spineless too. We actually separated for awhile and he finally came around and found his balls and his spine. He had to almost lose everything he wanted before he was firm in his wanting it. Now he is firm in what his wants and acts accordingly. No more chasing disrespectful skids. He did have a wonderful therapist that helped him see the light. A man who also was also estranged from his kids thru his ex wife. He understood the pain and the games.
Your DH needs to find his own therapist to coach him back into being a strong man. Not one that caught up with this SD bullshit.
Thanks. No, I haven't painted
Thanks. No, I haven't painted a picture of what his life would look like without me or our kids in it. And yes, it's definitely hard to have respect for him at this point. I've told him quite a few times recently just how unattractive he has become to me - a man who cowers to his ex girlfriend, their child and a therapist who has no idea what she's doing.
We're seeing a counsellor together next week and I REALLY hope she'll see my side as far as his behaviour goes, but something tells me she'll focus on SD.
I get that he wants to his
I get that he wants to see his daughter but he's behaving out of fear and that's no way to live. I wouldn't care what SD thinks of the room arrangements. She's lucky you made accomdations for her to have some place to sleep just in case she ever stays over. She has been poisoned by her mother and there is no telling what is ahead for you all.
I'd stay away from the home as well during her visit and make it a fun time for you and yours. You wouldn't be able to get me close to her with a 10 foot pole. Imagine when she's older......that's going to be a whole other chaos....
So I just texted my husband
So I just texted my husband to remind him that I'd asked him to email SD's therapist and BM about how things are going to go at our house during this visit and any other visit. He replied with "F*CK OFF!" Then he said he's just going to cancel her visit because it's easier that way, and that he knew I was going to come up with something.
I'm married to such an ignorant fool. He won't stand up for me or our kids. I've spent the last 8 years dealing with this nonsense from his ex.....now it's gotten to this point where it can't get any worse and he still won't do anything to stand up for us. I'm trying to help him have a relationship with SD again and he'd rather throw that away than send a couple of emails.
I told him to go ahead and cancel the visit if that's easier for him than growing a spine.
He did you a favor by
He did you a favor by cancelling and how dare he tell you to "F*CK OFF!". After all the BS you have gone through, holding him down and having his back this is how he responds to you. He should direct all that angst to his ex and kick himself in the @ss for impregnating such a psychopath and not having the b@lls to stand up for himself.
I'm upset for you!
Thank you, I'm very upset
Thank you, I'm very upset right now. I can't believe I put myself out there by contacting the therapist and BM to try to help the situation. The only reason SD is returning is because I got involved and explained a whole bunch of things to therapist....two days later SD made miraculous "breakthrough" and suddently she can come back. Even after BM replied to maintain that SD was abused, I stood up for him and said that he's an amazing father, described what actually happened AGAIN, and said there was no reason for SD to be withled or for my husband to be treated so badly.
Now I wish I'd never helped him if this is the thanks I get.
No regrets Blinky103, you
No regrets Blinky103, you meant well and had good intentions. He's just stressed out and too blind to see what you are trying to do for him because he's so caught up in this toxic situation. I think this is a perfect opportunity to disengage from it all. Do not involve yourself in any capacity, not emailing therapist, not attending court, whatever....... Leave it all up to him and only communicate about SD to you if she's coming to visit. All else he can deal with on his own.
I personally think having her in your home right now is risky and you have to look out for your kids 1st.
I think this is right on. I
I think this is right on. I will add this, though. When he's done acting out over his stress and beating you with the scapegoat stick for today remind him that you'll not be treated that way.
That's not a normal response, regardless of whatever feelings he's harboring that he thinks you should've been mind reading throughout this whole ordeal.
I don't even know what to say about the F off comment. That's a never again shall you cross that line with me and live to tell about it type incident in my book.
The fine I'll just cancel nonsense is gaslighting. He's been blowing off your concerns for some time now and is annoyed that his inaction hasn't pacified you into acceptance.
I'm honestly not sure which way I think this will go. My initial thought was that he has zero intention of canceling, he just wants to guilt you into submission.
But since he doesn't seem to be able to handle his emotions or even just set them aside for an adult conversation about your concerns I almost think he'll cancel and lord it over you.
In your position, I'd lay out my boundaries once very calmly and clearly - about SD and his mantrum disrespect - and disengage. I would even let him know that at this point you're not asking him to do anything but expect your actions and recognize this is why you'll no longer x, y, z since he's so ridiculously defensive and neck deep in his own self loathing.
He doesn't want to be a team in this. He wants to be babied while he lashes out and not take anyone else into consideration, just him and his feels, without consequence. Put him to bed and let him cry it out - he needs to learn how to self soothe rather than treat you like less than.
Take the bios and make yourselves scarce. You now know where you, and they, rank with DH in the game of losing SD. He is blind to their needs in this mess.
Thank you - very good advice.
Thank you - very good advice. He's totally trying to gaslight me by acting like some kind of victim and saying he'll cancel the visit just because I want some assurance that he's going to stand up for us. I think at this point I'm just going to have to take my kids and leave for the day. The only trouble is now DD has gotten so excited about going with my husband to pick up SD.
Telling you to f*ck off is
Telling you to f*ck off is unacceptable. I hope you let him know that in no uncertain terms. You're right - he IS an ignorant fool. He could cost himself his current family while chasing his tail to do whatever it is his ex wants him to do on any given day.
I'm sorry, Binky, but what a
I'm sorry, Binky, but what a damn jerk!!! He has spine with YOU when you're trying to help. SMDH
Tell your daughter the visit is cancelled. Be sure you take both of your children with you tomorrow JUST IN CASE Mr. Spineless decides to carry on with SD's visit. At this point, you and your children do NOT need to be part of this clusterf*ck. I'm so sorry.
Binky, hon... If my husband ever told me to "F*CK OFF!", I would have to seriously consider our future. We've been angry with each other, but have NEVER lowered ourselves to that kind of despicable behavior. I'm so sorry, hon. You and your babies need to be safe. {{{{HUGS}}}}
Your DH is being a selfish A$$
You need to take you and your kids to your extended families house for the weekend. If the Mantrum Boy tries to call or text you, text or tell him two words "F*CK OFF!"
He is choosing to put SD on a pedestal and not thinking about his other two children. Those two babies of yours should be your absolute priority, since Mantrum Boy is not thinking straight you need to protect them.
He is so far down in the hole
He is so far down in the hole he can't even reach any rope of help you send him. Time to disengage from him and his problems, parent the rest of the kids and protect you and them from any drama.
He needs to hit rock bottom by himself. Alone. He could take you all down with him but I do believe you are too smart for that, so you need to isolate him and his doings. He can't not, is unable to put anyone else first right now. He is so lost.
Take charge of what you can. Draw the boundaries with him. Let him to his folly. This isn't going to be easy for you but taking control of what you can will get you thru this. I've been in similar shoes. Not a good place to be.
Thanks. Good idea to just
Thanks.
Yep
went thru this with Chef. He could EASILY stand up to me and misplace his anger. SM is an easy target. Beware he seems like the type to blame YOU for the BM's uber PAS. Your BM is so typical of the jealous, insecure GUBM. She's reading off the same script as all the others and unfortunately the courts validate them. You and bios need to disengage...time to distract DD with other activities and get the focus OFF toxic SD.
SurvivingStepHell
Is so right. Thank you for those words. I needed to hear them right now. I'm printing them off and am going to look at them everytime I need to in order to get through this. Chin up Blinky do what you need to do to protect you and your children.