email from BM to BF about SD not coming to our house anymore - need advice/interpretation......
(BM) "I went with Dayna to here counciling appointment yesterday, and
somethings were talked about that were going to be talked about if you were there,
and I have becaome the messanger. The councilor feels that you and Dayna
need to start spending some more time together before it gets to the point
were it has been so lang that it is ackward. So would you be up for having
dayna like everyother week end when you are not working?
I am now also going to explain some of her feelings as to what she
has been feeling. Because it really is deeper than just rules. And it
isn't because she hates anyone either. She was and is looking for
consistancy and stability. She is a thirteen year old GIRL with all sorts of Girl
things going on. Even though she got her period young didn't mean that she
went through all of the emotional things that we go through whne we hit
puberty. She loves you and always will but she really needs that grounded
factor in her life right now.(and not in punishment way) And being a girl going
through all the emotional and physicolagical things she is going
through she needs me as her mother to her primary post.
She likes Lori and she is happy that you two have found each other,
but the truth of the fact is when it was all done and over it was way to
fast and big of a change for her. It only raised her insecurities that she
already had from all the changes that she has had through her life on
your part and mine. You know Dan when you look at it and trust me I have,
how secure would you be if when you were growning up, if you had as many
living arrangments in your first thirteen years as she has. I know I would be
a bigger mess than I am and I am sure the same is true for you. And I am
not saying that in a mean way. So for know she just really needs one main
place to put her head down at night. And here really is the logical
place because I am here almost always day and night. She really does need
that right now. I am actually really proud of her because she has been
seeking out adults ie. her councilor, here school councilor and her big sister
to talk about the things that have been going on for the last 2 to 3
months instead of her friends at school. And we all know what kind of stupid
advice a 12 and 13 year old can give ie lets drink, smoke dope, or just
run away. You have to respect her for that part.
So let me know how you feel about her spending some time with you
everyother weekend and if you two are o.k. with it we will set
something up."
(me) Courts decided 50/50 and we did that for almost a year and the middle of January, SD had a fit about rules and doing what she is expected to do regarding school/homework. Since this fit, she hasn't returned to our home. SD just turned 13 and thinks at that age she is allowed to make decisions and BM is allowing her to. This makes me crazy if it was up to me I would have had the police over the first day she missed being at our house to drag her a*@s to our house with court papers in hand.
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1st block of text above is......
the email from BM
2nd block is me summing up what the arrangement is supposed to be with SD
Hmmmm...
I would want to sit in with the counselor and hear it from the horse's mouth. Then I would probably want to tell the counselor that the custody agreement is what it is - 50/50 - and that you are seeking counseling for this child to help her adapt to the 50/50 custody arrangement. The counselor needs to know up front that there will be no change in custody so that (s)he can work with the child on adapting to it, if there really is a problem. If the counselor can't or won't do this, then I'd insist on a new counselor that can help the child adapt to the situation. Look at everything Caitlin's family has been going through. Your situation may not be that extreme, but it seems to me that some type of family-based counseling would be best for the child. It sounds like mom is looking for ammo to use in court (?) to get full custody, but that's not supposed to be a counselor's agenda. The counselor is there to help the child, not the mother.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
I agree with Anne
I wouldn't just take BM's word for it. EVER. I would want to sit down with the child AND the councelor (without BM) and discuss the situation.. the problem.. possible solutions.. and really gear towards the 50/50 arrangement. I love how kids 10, 11, even 13 years old are calling all the shots. Who are these people who won't parent their kids??? There's a reason they have to be a certain age to CHOOSE who they live with (not have input, I believev at least in my state they can have input at 12 but they don't get to choose until they are 16). These kids are too young to make these adult decisions!
Stepup
I am with you girls
Nothing is worse than letting these children make these adult decisions. N.E.S if your bf has 50/50 he needs to insist on speaking with these counsillors, I highly doubt they have been presented with a fair representation of this girls life. Not only that, if bf doesn't get involved, bm will not hesitate to use that fact in future court stuff. Do you and bf want to resume 50-50? Because by the sounds of it, your home is the stable place this girl needs. Too many parents forget these days that part of loving their children has to include "saying no" to them.
thanks all....
your advice and comments are great, I am going to share with BF and grandma.
should I send this stuff to BM too?
I left this part out of SD history....
from the age of 6 to 12 SD was with BF, he had 100%. BM was snorting coke, getting high and drinking heavily and in a relationship with an abusive man and BF was given custody without a fight. So now that you know the rest of the story, who has caused this SD instability?
Yikes.
I agree with the girls. Something is amiss and BM is using alot of fluff to cover it up. Talk to the therapists.
Good luck, keep us posted. Jo
First of all
Visitation was already determined. And secondly what in life ever stays the same NOTHING. What the bio mom is trying to do is undermind the authority of the courts. Her daughter is not just messed up from your home there is more to it. But you know when it gets tough your suppose to try harder and all I see is her mom and therapist basically giving in to her demands. No kid at 13 to I belive the age of 22 wants a parent or anyone at that matter telling them anything, because the "I know it all attitude sets in". Rules, well I can tell you she would hate me then. But then again if your kids hate you between those ages, doesn't that mean you are doing something right? Just curious. My son used to say that to me "I hate you" and I would always come back and say well I must be doing something right then? Children are suppose to love us not like us.. LOL.
I think your husband should enforce the custody/visitation schedule that is already in place. If you all give in to her now you will be forever.
Just my opinion..
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
boy 16 year old babysitter....
we just found out that her mom hires a 16 year old boy to babysit SD's little brother. the last couple times we talked to her on the phone, he was babysitting. i find it very hard to believe that with a 13 year old daughter at home, that BM needs to hire a babysitter especially when she has never once paid SD to babysit and she used to babysit little brother a lot. i suspect SD has a crush on this boy or something.
should we be concerned about this?
reply from friend...
"That email from BM is a joke.
Who fucked up her life more than BM!!! Now BM wants to make it your
problem."
that reply is from a friend of mine who has a degree in psychology and two brothers who are psychologists. one of her brothers is a child psychologist and is going through the same bulls*@t as all of us on this website are going through by the BF of his fiance's son.
kids hate rules
please dont let your man fall for this crap. My daughter is fourteen and she would like nothing more than us to move out, but only when she knows she's not getting away with anything (the rules need to be followed) When she goes to her bf's which is maybe twice a year,
bf's choice, there are no rules!
My partner tried to get his bs to move in here with us every second week, he tried it for a week then told my partner he could not get along with my children, what a load of crap. He has it to easy at home with bm, being aloud to sit and play on the computer all day have take away for dinner every night etc etc. Here we have rules with no dishwasher and everyone pulls their weight.
Worst of all bm stuck up for him when she realised her child support would be affected. This skid is also fourteen.
So all kids at this age look for the easiest place without rules to live at, so if we give in to them and let them take the easy road what are we teaching them?
I am staying put and my daughter will just have to put up with the rules.
I have many friends who succesfully have their children every second week and have adjusted really well.
Tell your man to stick to the court orders if this is what he believes is best for his bd.
do you agree or disagree?....
I got some counseling of my own on this whole situation with SD and her not wanting to be at our house anymore.
What I have discovered is that I need to pull back from SD and let her father and BM take care of her needs - not me I am not her mother, she has one. If SD makes a decision not to come here then I should not take her anywhere she wants to go - then she has a consequence of her behavior. Right now she has no consequences. I feel that I am used and my feelings are hurt, it is unfair to me for her not to want to come here and then she wants me to take her somewhere - like her cousin's bridal shower. All we are doing is giving into bad behavior.
Also, I feel that I should not be alone with her. Being alone with her could give opportunity for her to say that I did or said something and cause more trouble in our current situation.
my counselor suggested I ask SD's aunt or other relative to take her to the shower. The shower is this Sunday, so it is kind of short notice.
Let me know if any of you agree or disagree
-Lori