I need some perspective or resources for DH and I.

YSS has had trouble in school this year. He hasn't been turning in homework, but my understanding is that he is still doing well on tests and in-class assignments. This downturn in work has caused him to be kicked out of band, and he's at risk of being pulled out of the accelerated program. When you ask him why he doesn't turn in the work, he says he misplaces it, forgets it, or that he doesn't know.

YSS is a master at blaming other people for his problems. I talked to him over Christmas about what was going on at school. He'd blame the band teacher for not telling him to turn in his practice sheets (note that they have been due the same day, every week, all year). He'd blame his social studies teacher for going too fast between assignments when he's trying to take notes (note that he has never asked her to slow down or to re-iterate). He said his language arts teacher can't get him logged into the online portal he needs to do work so he has to use someone else's (I call BS and think he keeps misplacing his log-in info, but assuming he's telling the truth, he hasn't once mentioned this to anyone until Christmas, and I'm hardly the first person who has asked him about all of this). He said OSS wouldn't help him with homework when he would do it, and GBM and BM don't understand so he doesn't do it (note that he has never once called DH or I for help despite telling him we'll help, and he's never asked OSS to borrow his phone to call us).

Basically, it's excuse after excuse after excuse. He had similar excuses last year, but in elementary school, they are far more lenient and hand-hold a lot more. He doesn't get that in middle school, and I personally think that has caused a lot of his issues.

However, the school thinks he may have ADD or be on the autism spectrum because of his issues in school and at home. Apparently he hits himself at home. He has angry outbursts. He doesn't have many friends. He has insomnia. He gets spaced out. He has weird issues with food. He won't do what he's told. He back talks.

Now, I hear all of this and think to myself, "has anyone bothered to ask what's going on at home to cause these things?", because DH and I don't deal with a lot of this. Sure, he has insomnia, but he's on half a dozen different medications for allergies and sinus issues, and neither BM or DH enforce a bedtime (something I have disengaged from). Sure, he spaces out, but only when he isn't interested in something and he finds something else more interesting to focus on. He rarely back talks to DH or I because we both nip it in the bud the minute it happens (and in public). He is a highly emotional kid, but he is also highly theatrical. I've never seen him hit himself, and I showed him really early on that his theatrics would result in punishment in my house. Guess what we RARELY ever see? That's right - a teenager throwing a temper tantrum. He eats the food we tell him to eat or he says he doesn't like it. If he gets angry, DH sends him off to soothe himself and he's fine in 5 minutes. He is generally polite (minus occasional moody-Teen moments) and content. The times he acts up at our house are when there is an audience, like his grandparents. We had zero issues with him during Christmas break except the one day my ILs came over, and he was a terror, probably because FIL and MIL let him get away with it.

No one at the school has contacted DH about any of this despite him being listed on their paperwork and him having met all the teachers. His pediatrician hasn't sent anything in writing about the concern (which I figured they would since they did about a completely unrelated thing for OSS). Not once has BM sounded an alarm that something may be seriously wrong outside the norm for YSS in her house. So why all of a sudden is it like the flood gates have opened and something must be wrong? If anything, YSS has been BETTER behaved with us recently than he EVER has been.

I'll concede that I think he has anger management issues and needs counseling. He has been through a lot in the last few years. DH and I have gotten married and bought a house, which means he spends less time with his grandparents and has had to learn new rules with DH and I. BM ended up getting evicted, being homeless with the kids and lying about it, falling out with her mom and family, kicking out her STBXH, getting a new BF, getting dumped by BF, bringing back STBXH, reestablishing a relationship with her family, kicking STBXH out AGAIN, getting a new BF AGAIN, and GBM lives with her. Anytime BM kicks someone out of her life, she absolutely trashes them to the kids, so I can only imagine that she did nothing but villainize all these people and then immediately tell the boys to love them again when they came back. While homeless, they hopped from couch to couch. She burned through family-friends which led to her pulling the boys out of scouts (which was fine with them because neither liked it; they did it because she wanted them to do it). BM's home life has been in constant flux, and we know every time something new happens because YSS ends up with gastro issues and gets moody.

So I'm not against the school trying to figure out what is going on, but I'm not convinced that he's on the autism spectrum. I really think it's combo of change and babying that has caused him to misbehave. However, I'm also no expert, so maybe something really IS wrong and we're handling it poorly.

My concern is with him getting labelled and put on a crap-ton more drugs only for him to be misdiagnosed, or for the meds to be used to replace therapy. I'm also hesitant to make changes in my own household without DH getting to chime in on what has been happening. I just don't know enough about any of this to feel okay with how this may move forward and what it will mean. I don't want YSS to be given another excuse he can abuse to get his way, but I also don't want to punish him for things that need to be handled differently.

So I'm looking for thoughts, opinions, and resources. I see too many horror stories on here about BMs just pushing for a diagnosis or BMs pulling kids out of needed therapy or schools keeping NCPs out of the loop, etc. I'd like, for my own sanity, to be proactive so I can figure out early on if this is something I'll be engaged and helpful in, or if I should just wash my hands now. I don't want to see YSS suffer, but I'll be damned if I become a martyr to an entitled brat.