I feel like I'm losing DH
So DH doesn't even attempt to work any overtime when we had SS for visitation all last weekend...and on Monday's visitation despite the fact that we went grocery shopping he spent $30 on delivered pizza. "Our weekend" (the only one for this month, holiday visitation gives ss all our "alone days") rolls around and he works overtime until 930 on Friday (promptly falling asleep on couch when home) and he worked until about 3 on Saturday instead of noon like he promised. We tried to plan a "date night" for Sunday which lead to him getting mad at me for not planning anything and we ended up at Applebee's for dinner. Tried to have a conversation about things we wanted to do eventually to the house which lead to him calling me a "depressing Martyr" because I was trying to tell him based on what I read online that it isn't going to be as easy or cheap as he was thinking to change the height of our upstairs bedroom ceiling. The food was also terrible, making DH even more moody. Came home, I wanted to initiate intimacy but he refused to take a shower saying he "didn't sweat at work" (um...it's been 4 days for the love of god TAKE A SHOWER)he ended up back on his tablet game the rest of the night. Caught him with his d*** in his hand watching porn when I went downstairs at around midnight to ask him if he would please come to bed. He was also supposed to finish filling out the paperwork to have SS on his health insurance (new job in July, he filled out paperwork with ss social security number but they just sent him something the end of November that said he has to 'prove' ss is his child with copy of birth certificate that BM will not give him). The deadline was the 16th. He lost the paperwork they gave him. Now I'm freaking out because the court order says he HAS to carry insurance for SS, I don't know if his job will give him an extension or if he even thought to ask. I'm sick of him never working overtime when he has SS over, I'm sick of feeling ignored when he is home. We never should have bought this house. I don't know what to do. I'm losing him. We can't even talk tonight because it's ANOTHER GDAMN VISITATION DAY. He is working overtime Tuesday and Wednesday, Thursday is his company Christmas party at a nice place downtown that I wasn't even asked to join. This coming weekend more visitation all weekend and an even later drop-off time so once again I won't exist. I don't know if he has the money for the IRS he hasn't said anything. I don't know if our relationship is fixable. I don't even know if he even cares.
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You're not losing him, you're
You're not losing him, you're just not invited to the pity party that is his life right now. Which is great honestly.
I would suggest going out and doing your own thing without him. Once he sees how great your life is he will probably come around. Comiserating with him will only make it worse.
If it was fixable, are you up
If it was fixable, are you up for it? It is going to be a real challenge, and it is going to begin with a very serious conversation.
How long have ya'll been together? Do ya'll regularly have intimacy problems?
There is more than one issue rolled up here...
I don't know if I am
I don't know if I am honestly. Together almost 8 yrs.. Intimacy has been an issue before but could have been worse, it's been almost non-existent now since July (since we bought the house). I'm lucky if it's once a month.
If ya'll have been together
If ya'll have been together for 8 years, I'm going to assume life hasn't always been this frustrating. Having been on the receiving end (having intimacy issues with my wife, getting caught self-lovin), I would say that the underlying issues in life are interfering. Financial difficulties, bio/step kid issues, etc.
You need to have a conversation with him, and let him know that your not getting what you need either. You have to let him know that you BOTH need to make each other a priority. For my wife and I, the physical attraction was an issue, and low self-esteem as well. We got a gym membership and while we aren't Miami beach fit, we support each other to take better care of ourselves. We talked about what we needed from each other in the bedroom. As weird as it sounds she was more of a wham bam thank you man while I wanted more diversity.
If you can get to a point where ya'll can communicate your needs on intimacy and respect for your relationship, you can start to address the other issues.
You said it! I honestly have
You said it!
I honestly have to ask: What makes this guy worth keeping?
(No shower in 4 days? I would divorce him for that alone. Gross.)
The only time he could
The only time he could possibly go out and request the certificate is a weekend he has SS...which he obviously won't do and honestly I don't know if those types of places are open on weekends. I had to take time off work to get a copy of my adoption papers because they didn't have weekend hours. I agree...he does have to work a lot to pay back a lot of debt..it just sucks to watch him spend all this quality one-on-one time with ss then gripe about how broke he is and ignore me. He did apologize via text the day after the outburst but that's it.
^^^ Agreed
^^^
Agreed
The certificate thing is a
The certificate thing is a bit of an annoyance, if they really wanted more "proof" why wouldn't they send him something sooner so he would have time to get it? I went to the DMV to get a copy of mine (wasn't worth it, they spelled my name wrong on the re-print) but I don't know what it takes to get your child's certificate. Everything else no excuse, I'm mad and feeling ignored. I get he's overwhelmed but so am I. I guess the main difference is I don't turn into a recluse...I prefer my partners company.
That's all it is?? well shoot
That's all it is?? well shoot no reason why DH can't get it done somehow. Honestly his first job when he had to provide coverage for ss he went through the same damn thing, I don't understand if you have the social-security number and the child is a minor why on earth would they kick up a fuss to cover them on your insurance? He has the recognition of parentage, maybe that would be enough if he just brought that to HR.
I'm usually the one to get
I'm usually the one to get the mail and separate it since I come in through the front door, his employer rarely mails him anything its odd.
BM has her portion of SS
BM has her portion of SS insurance covered so she doesn't care about DH...anytime she gets a bill somehow the state pays for it but DH has to pay his portion out of pocket.
He has to pay for SS
He has to pay for SS insurance but she is required to pay 60% or something like that of any out of pocket costs that SS has medical-wise. Only problem is she wont, and since the judge closed her case we don't know how to enforce it. She doesn't care because it's DH name on the policy and not hers. I have separate insurance because I didn't want to get stuck in the middle of this mess.
Most banks have notaries -
Most banks have notaries - but you have to be a customer of the bank to use them.
STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR
STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM!
He is being lazy and inattentive because he WANTS to be lazy and inattentive. He is an adult like you and can figure out birth certificates, keeping track of his own mail, paying the IRS, etc. He CAN do these things, but he CHOOSES not to.
Please let that sink in. He is purposefully making life difficult because it makes this moment easier. It kicks the can down the road a little further so he can deal with it later. There is ZERO reason why he can't handle his responsibilities, and if there were reasons why he couldn't, a good husband would tell you he needs help and what he needs help with.
Don't worry about his issues that don't impact you right now. If he doesn't have insurance for SS, then he has to deal with BM about that. If he can't pay the IRS and the debt isn't tied to you, then don't worry about how he'll repay it. If he isn't around to spend time with you, go out on your own or with friends. You can't save your marriage without his help, and right now, he isn't helping. Save your energy for when he's ready to work or you're ready to leave.
I can't and won't do anything
I can't and won't do anything about the health insurance thing I was just wondering what could be done. When I heard about a notary I was honestly curious because I've never had to have anything notarized and didn't know it was that easy. He makes these things sound so hard but based on your responses it really isn't, he is just being a man-child. The things he is having trouble with are out of my control, I'm not the parent I can't help him with it. Now the saving the marriage thing I'm having trouble with sadly my mom raised me with the quote "men will never ask for help, it is your job to be a good wife and help him if it is within your means and be supportive no matter what." I'm NOT paying the IRS for him, NOT helping with the insurance, I've just never dealt with these things and wondered if anybody else had. I'm also sick of being treated like a second-class citizen and being ignored in my own house while ss is treated like a freaking king every damn visitation day. But NO he isn't getting any help from me financially.
My mom raised me with the
My mom raised me with the same saying. But then my dad followed it up with “women are silent sufferers. It is the job of a good husband to see his wife’s struggles and ease her burden before she speaks up. Provide, support, Love. These are the husband’s responsibilities.” Then one or both would follow it up with communication will get you through hell, so force yourself to find a way to communicate even if you don’t want to.
Your DH is missing the other part of that saying. I know how helpless you feel. My DH just went through a depression and seems to have lost all sense of value for himself. Nothing I could say or do helped. I thought I was losing him. He’s not fully better, but I finally found a way to get through to him that I saw worth in him, but I felt like I was losing him. What worked for me will not work for you, unless your DH recently lost a friend to suicide, but you need to find a way to get through to him. You know best how to communicate with your DH. I’m sorry, I wish I was more help.
So he won't touch you but he
So he won't touch you but he can hold himself while watching OTHER naked women?! Plus allllll the other b.s.
I really just can't. I mean really would losing him be such a bad thing?
** dup ***
** dup ***
Yep - same here. That would
Yep - same here. That would be a total turn off - no way would I want his hands on me after that.
I think you need to read this
I think you need to read this article. This guy is my guru and this article really made me do some deep soul searching on my own relationship. https://markmanson.net/love
you lost me when you said he
:sick: you lost me when you said he hadn't showered in 4 days ..... He clearly has some huge issues to deal with and you can't fix them.
You need to take a long hard look at your life and decide if he is worth it.
Do spouses usually go to the
Do spouses usually go to the company Christmas party? If so, why hasn't he asked you to go? That seems somewhat telling about his attitude towards you.
It's his first company party
It's his first company party with this job so he doesn't know. He said I could go if I wanted but that I would have to pay for myself food and drink-wise, plus it starts two hours before I get off work anyway so I can't. I also can't afford to go out regardless and don't like driving in the cities with my poor navigation skills so I guess it is what it is. He ended up coming home drunk and in a bad mood so it must not have been that fun of a party.