I hate one of my stepdaughters
Hello all-
I have two step daughters, ages 5 and 6. They live with my husband and I full time, only seeing their BM 2-4 days a month. They have been with us for a year and things were ROUGH in the beginning. First, BM was not letting us seen them but maybe 2-3 times a year and then one day just called and told us to come get them from her and they have been with us ever since. When they first moved in I chalked it up to their whole life just changed. They were with just mom and now they live with dad and the new wife. Once they adjusted and learned the "rules" of the new house they were great. We were really close, and they started to call me mom. We (my husband and I) didn't push it because I am not their mom. But after correcting them to call me by my name it just was easier to let them call me mom if they wanted, they said, "you do stuff for us like a mom, we want to call you mom." Everything was great and then one weekend they came home from their BM's house and it was all different. The older one kept saying I was her pretend mom because no one loved me enough for me to be their real mom, and a lot of other hurtful things. They younger one was just her same sweet self she always had been. I figured that it was just bullsh*t her BM had been feeding her while she was over there. But it hasn't gotten better and it has been almost three months of pure hell. She is throwing temper tantrums in stores, she is hitting and being violent to her little sister, she is not listening to anything anyone tells her, etc. We have tried everything from a swat on the butt, to time outs, to taking favorite toys away, to holding a quarter on the wall, everything and nothing works. She gets out of her punishment and goes right back to doing what you just told her not to do again. She used to only be a devil when her dad wasn't around and then started to get better once he was home, now she is just doing it all the time. She has even gone so far as to throw and break dishes if she doesn't get her way. We have taken her to doctors to see if she is bipolar or depressed(BM is both), something. They said that everything came back normal. When they had her talk to a behavioral therapist they said that she acted as if nothing is wrong at all. Telling them how much she loves both her dad and I.
We found out that we are having a baby and she is so violent with the one that can tell on her I am afraid to leave her alone with a newborn that cant tell me what happened. It has gotten to the point that I don't even want to look at her or speak to her. I cringe at the thought of having to take her anywhere because it is constantly a fight. My husband and I are constantly at each others throats because she just pushes us that far. On the weekends that they are with their BM I miss the younger one and my husband and I have a great time enjoying the alone time together. As the weekends come to an end I know how my week is going to progress and I start to get anxiety all because of her.
Anyone have any advice on what to do with her?
Thank you for reading...
That is the next step that we
That is the next step that we are taking. She has an appointment for next week, I am hoping that they can help. Thank you!
One of my SSs has regular
One of my SSs has regular meltdowns (he's 11, almost 12, so meltdowns are totally age inappropriate). My friend who is a child therapist lent me a book that she uses a lot. It's called The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene. it might be worth checking out.
It sounds like your SD might in fact be manipulative and acting out in anger coming from her BM, so that book might not be what you're looking for, but it's a start.
Also, it might be worth having the therapist come to do some observations of your SD (either at home or in school if she is also behaving that way at school) or trying to video tape some of her behavior to give the therapist a sense of what is going on, since the child is not being forthcoming. Does the therapist ask her if she is hurt or upset about how her mother is being treated (or how her mother is claiming she is being treated) or even ask her if she misses her mother? I can imagine that the girl has some conflicting feelings over essentially being given up by her mother. She probably wants to believe her mother is wonderful and is probably also confused when her mother tells her angry things.
Regarding your DH, I think it's time for him to take primary responsibility for this child. If she is lashing out at you, then he needs to be the primary caregiver for her. When she is around, he is in charge of her, because she is his child.
Stick by your guns, though and don't allow the child to ever be alone with your baby. I would also suggest couples counseling for you and your DH to deal with these issues and come up with some productive strategies, because once the baby arises you will have further reason to be in conflict as you want to protect your child and he tries to defend his older child.