Please help. Young, first time SM here
Hi everyone!
I recently married my husband (5 months ago) and become a SM to a 4 year old and 2 year old. Their BM is supposed to pay child support and see them one weekend a month but she has only paid 1/2 of a month and seen the children once in the last seven months. My husband works out of town Monday through Friday (sometimes Saturdays!). I work 30 hours a week and go to school online. So I'm left with the kids during the week to do EVERYTHING. When I came into the picture the children were staying up until 1 in the morning, sleeping until 11 and not taking naps. My SD didn't know her ABCs or numbers. My SS has communication and speech delays. I have finally gotten him early intervention help (a teacher comes to work with my SS and I once a week). My husband and I want to have our own child one day but we have decided to wait become of finances (maybe if the BM would pay her child support then we could have our own child). I recently had an ectopic pregnancy. It was really difficult emotionally for me. I'm still dealing with the loss I think. Also, it makes me jealous of the BM that she could give my husband two children and I'm not able to. At best I will be able to give him one. I would love to have more of my own but he doesn't want more than one more. Sometimes I feel resentment towards the kids and I feel horrible! I know it's not their fault and that can't do anything about it but if they weren't with us all the time then I would have more time with my husband and/or we could have our own child sooner rather than later. I feel like a horrible, horrible mother for thinking this way.
I'm just at a lost!!!! I don't know how to handle any of this. I love my SS and SD. I would do anything for them. They call me mommy because they want to (at first my husband and I discouraged it) but I don't know how I should handle being the mom but not really the mom. Reality is I'm spending more time with the children than their BM or BF is. I'm just not sure how to handle all of this
Who cared for the children
Who cared for the children before you married him?
And do you know WHY he married you?
Sounds like he needed a mommy for his kids.
I was a "dating" SM at 17. A married SM at 20. Been there, done that.
The children were staying at
The children were staying at his aunt's house while he was out of town after he kicked out the BM (she cheated on him with his dad).
I knew my husband before he had kids and we reconnected as he was going through his divorice. He married the BM because
He got her pregnant and thought he was doing the right thing. My SS was an oops baby. Completely unwanted. That being said, I know my husband married me because he loves me and wants to be with me. He does go out of his way to make sure that we have four hours alone together on Sunday nights. But that's the only time I get with him kid free. When he is home is goes to bed when the kids do (9/9:30)
I'm sorry but am I reading
I'm sorry but am I reading this right?
She cheated on him with his DAD? As in their children's grandfather?!?
This is all shades of f'd up. I don't know what to tell you except it sounds like you're being taken advantage of.
Yes! It is. BM and
Yes! It is. BM and grandfather got married a few weeks before we did and they are already getting a divorce. BM already has a new man she has moved in with.
DON'T have children.
DON'T have children. 'StickAFork' above is exactly right. A prime motivating factor for men to marry when they have custody is to get a quick mommy. I'll give you one guess what is secondary motivation. That is not to say this guy is manipulative or maliciously acting in this manner but there it is.
Once you have children you're good and trapped. Worse yet he may have no motivation to have children other than to keep you happy and mothering. The result is often a new mother, such as yourself, appears here complaining that her husband treats his second family as second rate with his 'original' children getting all the attention he's capable of giving.
With millions of men out there without children there is no need for you to spend your life caring for someone elses children. Admit to this guy you made a mistake and start packing. Take on the blame and don't listed to all the heartfelt pleas. He got along somehow before you came along and he'll do just fine after you leave.
Take this advise very seriously. You're already in over your head and headed for the deep end of the pool.
He is right
He is right
A lot easier said than done
A lot easier said than done haha
Thank you but I know he didn't marry me just to be a mom. He married me for many selfish reasons. He even said that he spent the three years of his first marriage being with someone he had to be with and our marriage is something that he did for him, not the kids.
Also, he's offered to sign primary custody over to the BM if it would make me happier or meant the difference between our marriage flourishing or crumbling. As much as sometimes I think I would enjoy that, I could never let the kids live with her. It would horrible for their development.
This man is a terrible
This man is a terrible father, then. He had his aunt raising his kids for 5-6 days out of every 7. He marries a new lady and has HER take care of them. Then, he tells this same new lady that he'd willingly GIVE UP his kids if it would make her happy.
Fifteen shades of red flags here!!!!! Do NOT have children with this man. ONE is way too many. He is showing you who HE is. His character and integrity will not change just because you have a joint baby.
I'm ready to vomit. You've been married to this man for FIVE MONTHS and he's already offered to give up his kids?!? WTH is wrong with him?!?
He is gone because of his
He is gone because of his job. At the moment he can not do anything about that.
Also he offered to sign over primary custody. He did not offer to completely give them up. I'm sorry if I did not make that clear. The roles of BD and BM would be switched. We would have the children one weekend a month, switching major holidays by year and three weeks in the summer. We would also pay child support. It would be your typical step mom environment.
I know my situation is not "normal". I knew this coming into it. Therefor any advice in books or articles on how to handle situations when they arise do not pertain to me. I was hoping to connect with anyone who has effectively handled the abnormal.
Thank you. I think you are
Thank you. I think you are right. There are only tools to limit stress and keep you sane.
Please don't base having a
Please don't base having a child on BM paying CS. CS is something you will never be able to control.
I know plenty of moms who made that mistake. They figured the CS into their monthly budgets. When the dads stopped paying or requested a decrease, they were up the creek.
Yeah....he seems a little
Yeah....he seems a little responsibility avoidant. I get that he was working, but whats up with BM. Granted she slept with grandpa, but is not capable of sharing some of the responsibility of these kids, or does he not let her? Like, is she crazy, just can't, or has she been ousted and holeing up somewhere taking advantage of innocent senior citizens?
I kid. I'm sorry.
And he is just offering to give up his kids to someone who hasn't seen them in 7mths?
I'm not sure what to say. There is definitely something WAY wrong with this situation. And DH. Do u think he was testing you? By asking that? Does he do ANYTHING for his kids, other than work?
I would def not have any kids with him, until you can see more of the situation. If the kids are good kids and ur just overwhelmed, is it possible you guys can discuss some more options? Does he HAVE to travel for his job? At some point, his priorities should have shifted more towards balancing work and family, and your sort of enabling him, so he doesn't have to do that.
Meaning, I could make more money working at night, but that is not an option because I have a child at home. Or, I could be a travel nurse, and make a TON of money, but then I would leave my kid alone, and with other people for the majority of the time.
Just a comparison.... A perspective.
Hahaha thanks! BM has chosen
Hahaha thanks!
BM has chosen not to be involved. We asked her if she wants to come get the kids for a few days during the Christmas holiday, she said yes, told the kids she was coming to get them and never showed up. She hasn't talked to the kids since then and has called a couple times at night, drunk.
He has to travel for his job. No other option. He can't be home every night until I increase my income. Our number goal is to get him home. He does help around the house some when he is home but most of the time I don't make him do anything because I want the kids to spend time with him. I don't believe doing dishes or making a bed is not as an important as being with the kids.
I probably do enable him to an extent. It's very important to me that I work and further my education but as a wife and mother I feel like I have certain duties to perform in caring for my family. I feel a strong urge to do it all! I should probably balance this better