You are here

Over it. Full time step kids. I. Can't. Handle. It.

JMFord0416's picture

Submitted by JMFord0416 on Thu, 08/01/2013 - 6:10pm

Forums: 
Bio Child Free Zone

Hey y'all,
I have two full time step kids. SD is 5 and SS is 3. DH works out of town every week. Bio mom hasn't paid child support in over a year, gone a year with out seeing the kids but randomly calls to check on them and speak with them (called today when she hasn't called in almost 7 weeks). I work a full time job and go to school online after the kids go to bed.

I'm starting to resent them. I'm starting to think about never having bio kids with my husband but I know if I was with someone else I would as soon as I finish school. I'm sick of having to answer to the bio mom. If I could adopt the kids I think I would feel better but since bio mom has gone back and forth between letting me I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Financially and my time. I mean I changed jobs AND majors in school for these kids that I have no rights over. I knew he had kids before we got married but i didnt know that i would be raising them almost on my own. We are already arguing about their college funds (i dont feel like i should have to add to them unless they are legally mine) DH says not to worry/be upset that the kids see me as their mom and that's all that matters. I truly love my DH and the only issues we EVER have is over the kids. I've been thinking about saving some money and leaving. A part of me feel like I deserve better because I'm 21 years old and shouldn't have to settle for the rest of my life. Another part of me feels like I need to "make do" because I chose this and it's not real grounds for a divorce.

Please help.

JMFord0416's picture

Submitted by JMFord0416 on Thu, 08/01/2013 - 6:28pm

We are married. He works out of town. When we got married the kids were suppose to continue to stay at their Aunt's during the week (Sunday night until Friday night) then they would be home when my DH was home. Sunday nights were "our" nights. But then my SD started crying to stay w/ me and I caved

JMFord0416's picture

Submitted by JMFord0416 on Thu, 08/01/2013 - 7:09pm

Thanks everyone. I'm scared to leave and break their hearts. I'm torn because I feel like I'm selfish.

kawhill's picture

Submitted by kawhill on Sat, 09/21/2013 - 4:45pm

I'm in a similar situation, although twice your age and have had the career, and school.

I question saving money and leaving, and then worry about what will happen to the skid.

That's just it, guys that dump their kids on women who are not their BMs (our BM is not a safe person admittedly). I really think they will find someone else to fill our shoes as soon as we are gone.

My SS5 is a sweet kid mostly, I don't have kids of my own (didn't want them). He was supposed to be staying with cousins during the week too. Never worked out that way. As a result (we moved across country for better work and to get away from the BM and her trashy family)I have not been able to work a regular job (no care options close by or past 5:30pm) and am now a fulltime SM and housewife!

I NEVER would have wanted this life and I find myself furious at BM, DH and often anxious for ss to just go to sleep or go to school. I have totally lost my old self due to being the "responsible" person for a child that is not mine. Nannies can make a good living, my compensation is not enough or fair. It is a thankless job with very little rewards. I thought I was helping a kid but anymore, I'm not sure that I'm not just prolonging the inevitable but hindering myself.

If you are 21, I say run, you are still young you really do have your whole life ahead of you. Find someone (after you heal) that has NO kids and start your own family together.

Silvercat's picture

Submitted by Silvercat on Thu, 08/01/2013 - 8:36pm

I understand how you would feel that if you leave, you are being "selfish" but in reality its self preservation, not selfishness. You have been selfless, the BM and DH are the ones who are selfish and taking advantage of you.

JMFord0416's picture

Submitted by JMFord0416 on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 9:23pm

I don't take it the wrong way! I guess I've never known anything else? I took care of my sick mom while going to school and working at the age of 18. Got my first degree (AA in nursing) a few months after my mother passed away at 19. Then took care of my brother until he went away to college and I got married a year ago. Now I'm going back to get my Master's in pharmacy. To be honest I'm a little nervous to be "21" but at same time I wonder and day dream how it is.

JMFord0416's picture

Submitted by JMFord0416 on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 9:30pm

I'm glad to see I'm not alone!
I hope hope your skids don't hav any lasting damage for what that have been though. That must be really difficult for them. But that's awesome you are doing things for yourself! I wish I could more often. DH's family won't let us hire a babysitter (they throw about fit about it and dh's uncle will call him out about it at work in front of coworkers so I've given up and it's not worth the battle) so if they can't watch them then I/we are stuck. I'm pushing DH to let me become a Mary Kay rep. I think it would help me a lot and give me some "me" time

bikker59's picture

Submitted by bikker59 on Fri, 08/02/2013 - 3:40pm

Wow..you are in a tough spot, I would talk to your DH, tell him to step it up, you married him knowing he has two kids, but he seems to be taking advantage of you, based on what you wrote. If he has to change jobs, so be it. He needs to figure out care for them. The bio mom is obviously useless in this case, but DH is taking real advantage of you.

IMHO, you are way to young for marriage and that responsibility.. you should be out having fun..going to school and enjoying life in your early 20's. If you decide to leave, you are not being selfish, but you do need to think long and hard about a decision like that.

Esmerelda's picture

Submitted by Esmerelda on Thu, 08/15/2013 - 10:03pm

I understand if you want to stay because you're married. The question is, is your husband worth it? Is he the most amazing man in the world?
I obviously don't know him, but the fact that he's leaving you with his kids and expecting you to contribute to their college education makes me think he might not be the most amazing man in the world. You are so young and have your entire life ahead of you. So many things will get in the way of your ambitions, but this, at this age, should not be one of them. This isn't temporary, this is for life. His kids are for life. They will never go away and neither will their mother. He should either man up and take responsibility for his kids and change jobs so he can be their primary caregiver, or he should realise what he's doing to you and let you go. You'll resent him, you already are. How is this a good foundation? You've got another 80 years of life ahead of you, is this the life you want?

If you're not happy now, what will you be life in 10, 20 or 30 years if you're making these sorts of sacrifices for his kids now?

I hope you find an answer. x