Disengaging when there are skids and bio's
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Ok guys, I've read up on things and disengaging is probably my best bet since it seems that sd5 can do no wrong yet ss7 is always in trouble (yet anyone around us gives me kudos for putting up with sd5, everyone except my fiancé of course)
I'm interested in trying this whole disengaging thing, and I understand the concept but none of the posts I read include doing it when you also have a bio of your own. Does anyone have any tips or scenarios to share? Im talking in regards to things like meal time expectations, sharing etc...
Hi- welcome to the forum- I'm
Hi- welcome to the forum- I'm sure you will get lots of help. I can't help you on this specific thing but there is a forum topic devoted to disengagement which has lots of useful links. Just keep scrolling'till you find it!
I would love to hear others'
I would love to hear others' thoughts on this as well. I can share with you our story, I'm not sure it's the right way to handle it, but it's been (sort of) working okay for us.
DH and I have two kids together, age 3 (DD) and 20 months (DS) and we also have SD9 50% of the time. I met SD when she was almost 4.
I disengaged for several reasons. First of all, I didn't have kids prior to marrying DH and I was independent, successful, happy - and I did want kids of my own, which he knew. Sometimes I think I'm alone in feeling this way, but I *never wanted* to be SD's mommy. She has a mommy. I never wanted to parent her. She has two parents. I knew the man I loved had a child and I grew to love her too. But, just because I have a vagina doesn't mean I want to sacrifice all my adult interests or activities, make her school lunches, pick up after her, cook all meals and make them kid-friendly, clean and do her laundry, take her everywhere and play with her all day, and make sure every second is magical for her just because she's in our home... Sometimes I'm mystified as to why we stepmom are expected to want to do these things the second we end up with a man who has kids? Just baffles me.
Anyway, my DH was also a Disney Daddy and on top of that, spineless with his ex-wife. My lack of agency or actual parental authority made disengaging the obvious answer.
So, I only elect to do a few "parent-y" things for her when she's here. I do 2-3 pick up or drop-offs from school (out of 9)- but almost all/most of the drop offs/pickups for our two little ones (Daycare.) I work just shy of 30 hrs per week, DH works just over 40. We are sharing household bills and chores along similar ratios (he pays more, I do more.) I cook a few nights of the week for the whole family.
I don't make SD's lunches, monitor her schoolwork or participate in anything medical or teacher-related. I don't organize play dates or buy birthday gifts for her to take to her parties, I don't throw her birthday parties (DH does that with BM.) I don't get on her about chores, but because we have 3 kids in the home, I did insist that SD act more her age (as to be enforced by DH) - table manners, and she is expected to help with dinner or help feed the dog on occasion, clean up after herself after playing, and set the table, and clear her own dishes, and not interrupt constantly when we're talking. I don't criticize SD or scold her or bug her about chores or much of anything, unless she's out of line with the LO's or she's not being safe or respectful in general.
I expect our 3 yr old to clean up after herself, help me feed the dog, clear her plate after eating, and not interrupt adults who are talking. So yeah the 3 year old and 9 year old have similar expectations. But that's not my problem.
DH put SD on a pedestal for years, and he doesn't want to cause her any discomfort out of fear she'll choose mommy over him, and I decided a long time ago it's not my problem or worry. SD's a nice kid. As long as she shows decent respect in the home, and is kind (we are kind to her) we all get along just fine. I definitely have taken on a lot more with the Ours kids but it sort of seems like the deal I made when I married a man who had a kid and happens to be the breadwinner in the home. I will gladly do more for ours. I never agreed to do his part of the parenting of HIS child with BM. (shrug)
Good luck to you- I'm interested in hearing how things work for you and for others.
That sounds perfect. And I
That sounds perfect. And I feel exactly the way you describe in regards to step moms wanting to jump in and be this super parent... why do we do that?
As of now I hold a lot of resentment and there is a definite wedge between us. I brought this topic up today and he surprisingly went for it and noticed the distance between us growing due to issues regarding parenting our kids. He was a bit offended but saw where I was coming from and agreed to give it a try
That's good he's seeing the
That's good he's seeing the benefits of doing it this way. Sounds like you have his child and yours (but no ours kids, right?)
I read one of your other posts with the hitting and obnoxious behavior by your SD5 and ugh, sounds like that needs to stop yesterday- the best way I would think would be for you not to have to be alone with SD anymore (without DH there.) If he takes full responsibility for his child then really you should almost never have to watch them together, hopefully, which would cut down on the fighting between kids.
I will watch SD when DH needs me to, but I've insisted that he ask me with some notice and thank me. She's a well-behaved, sweet child overall, and helpful with the other two kids for the most part, so I have no fears about taking care of her without him here. But I used to be taken advantage of with regard to this and I'm done (BM would assume I could watch her anytime she couldn't, particularly on a Friday - I'm off Fridays- or weekend, and if DH was working too or away she would just speak to him and drop her off or leave her with me.)
I read somewhere (maybe here) that in all reality most parents don't want stepparents ACTUALLY parenting their kid. They think they do, but then they get mad and defensive and feel stuck in loyalty binds when their child is actually criticized. Probably they just want us to babysit and play with and adore their kids.
I don't know how much DH actually parents your son, but maybe if you both step back and take responsibility for your own kids only you'll find that happy place in your marriage where the adults can really enjoy each other again. It has definitely helped us avoid lots of fights and building resentments over our differences of opinion w/ regard to SD. Some resentments are still there- he is pissed sometimes that I don't do more for SD and I am pissed that he treats his daughter like a VIP- but if I hadn't stepped back I'm not sure I'd even have made it this far.
Best of luck!