Is it really always SMs fault that skids don't like you?
So my partner has made it clear that me disengaging from SD5 and SS7 will be thr end of us mist likely. ..I kinda agree when you have to disengage from young kids, something is very wrong. I resoect that he wants our family to work and he has pledged his support. ..again. I will make more effort with skids, re engage and get to know them individually again. Im usually invisible and I resort to spending time with our daughter away from skids.
Hubby keeps saying he knows his kids are difficult. ..3 years later these kids refuse to even sit next to me...mostly bio mum influence. (Kids told dad )
He cant accept that no matter how much I try Skids may never like me or will just tolerate me for their father's sake.
Has anyone ended a relationship because almost everuthing was going well but the poor bonding with skids caused relationship to end...or is anyone feeling they are doomed because they just cant break through to skids and your wife/husband feels the relationship cant continue?
It sounds to me that your SO
It sounds to me that your SO is failing to give his children clarity on their treatment of you rather than you disengaging. As soon as your partner told you that disengaging from his "difficult" kids would be the end of the relationship, were I you, the next words out of my mouth would have been "Collect your BM spawned children and don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass on your way out." that statement would have come in parallel to my dialing the locksmith to come rekey the locks.
I am not one to tolerate illbehaved children regardless of their biology and anyone who would let the behavior of children end their marraige just boggles my mind. However, neither am I one to disengage. But a nearly instant deal breaker for me is a partner that threatens me. That person is out on their ass pronto with no discussion and no second chances short of some major crawling on their knees, ass kissing, and major sucking up, and with the clear understanding that if they so much as even hint at threatening me again they are gone for good and I will dedicate myself to their utter financial ruin if they even think about taking anything but the clothes on their back when they leave.
Really, this guy just pisses me off. My bride and I did not always agree on how to raise the Skid but we never threatened to leave over it. Equity partners do not let children end their relationship. Equity partners step up and address the kid behavior that is causing tension in the marriage rather than telling each other that if one or the other partner does no bond with the spawn that the relationship is over.
This man is not worthy of you or any other partner of character and quality IMHO. He puts his rude spawn before his partner??? No person of character or quality would tolerate that and let this asshole stay in their lives.
IMHO of courrse.
Good luck.
As it should be. I respect
My dad let each and all of his son's know in no uncertain terms that we were to never put him in the position of having to choose between us and his wife or his other boys. The one putting him that position would bear the consequences. That his bride is our mom was beside the point. That each of us are his son's was also beside the point. We were to respect each other and by God we would respect his bride or he would go all USMC on our asses. He never had to. We got the message.
As the eldest I was the one that was the subject of many of the lessons on respect as my parents were figuring out how to parent. My dad once told me "Your brother's owe you an eternal debt of gratitude for teaching your mom and I how to be parents and for setting the example for them." I have yet to receive compensation from them for that debt and I am 50 years old. It is not looking as if I will be receiving any checks from the ungrateful brats any time soon.
}:)
She may be our mom but she is his bride first and foremost and no one disrespects our father's bride.
My son (SS) got the same message and my brother’s kids have received that message too.
I would wager that you and your DH have relatively few problems with your SKids.
Enjoy your marraige and family. Mom and dad and all of the Rags boys do.
"Equity partners do not let
"Equity partners do not let children end their relationship....No person of character or quality would tolerate that and let this asshole stay in their lives."
I call this hiding behind your kids and OPs partner is doing just that. I've experienced this exactly and I've let the assholes stay in my life for too long. Well put Rags.
What I read is this "If you
What I read is this "If you don't want to play Mommy to my kids, I actually have no use for you."
If he's telling you that
If he's telling you that disengagement is a deal breaker for him,(to be honest, this would he a deal breaker for me as well) why stick around? Instead tell him that dealing with rude, disrespectful kids is a deal breaker for you.
Yes I have ended a
Yes I have ended a relationship and no it wasn't because everything was going well in the adult relationship except for the rude kids. That's really a fallacy a lot of SMs tell themselves to try to avoid the real issue which is that the problem IS the adult relationship.
My SS17 was passively hostile and refused to acknowledge I even existed. SS had no life of his own and no social skills and was overly dependent on his dad. And SS was very jealous of any woman his dad was romantically involved with. SS didn't like being displaced. On the one hand SO would swear he talked to his son about this, but were there ever any real consequences? Of course not.
And of course then I would complain and everything would be my fault. Even up until the last day I ever spoke to SO, he blamed me and acted like I cheated on him or something.
So even if it seems like the problem is BM or the kids, ultimately the problem is that SO wouldn't prioritize his adult relationship. Too much work and effort.
Lol, notasm. I actually had
Lol, notasm. I actually had one guy I'm no longer with tell me, "Onefootout, my kids are on the fence about you."
Really??? Since when do the kids get a vote? My immediate response was, "well I'm on the fence about your kids!" Needless to say he didn't like my response and looking back, not the best response but I was mad. Looking back I should have just said to him, "I need to find a real man who loves his kids but doesn't let them run his love life. And I should have called him a big baby for hiding behind his kids.
No, I don't believe it is the
No, I don't believe it is the StepMs fault...sometimes we are just not wanted, simple as that.
We cramp their time and style with dad, they might not be the be all and end all, sometimes we come with rules they probably won't like...
Nope, it is not our fault.
Wow, such good responses.
Wow, such good responses. thanks Rags - i agree with everyone who says they love reading you talking about your 'bride'.
Yes, i really do want the relationship to work but I'm not desperate. Only thing is if we break up I don't think I could deal with him and i certainly will struggle to face his kids - young as they are they will represent a major part(not all) of our break up. Funny enough before I moved in with him even more than a year into our relationship he would abruptly ask me to leave when I was playing with skids and things were going really well. I was so excited when BM started allowing SD5(3 at the time) to spend a day with dad coz she was super cute and dad didn't know any girly things to do with her and i truly enjoyed being around her and when I was pregnant constantly wished I'd have a girl. Same child today at freakin 5 treats me like I'm invisible. I wasn't even allowed to be there when BM was picking up the SKIDS to avoid a confrontation...LOL...yes, I know was I stupid or what. :sick:
He claims he can't even tell me that he misses his kids just incase i get upset. There has never been a day EVER in the last 3 years that I have said I dont want to hear about his kids. This is the same man who got extremely upset when his kids wouldn't talk to him on the phone when they were overseas several times and i've stood by him, supported him and tried to assure him the kids had nothing against him but were just really excited to be with their other family and probably distracted. Do I miss the SKIDs? No. According to him when he says he misses the kids I must say something like, 'let's have a nice lunch to cheer you up' :jawdrop: Really? I ask about them and sometimes even suggest he asks their mum how the kids are when we don't have them EOW.
I haven't done everything right but my mum always encourages me to never be nasty and to be kind at all times - goodness knows I try all of that. I have been seeing a therapist for 6 months now and he is angry because he believes she has done nothing for me because the relationship with his kids is going backwards. The same kids who have reduced HIM to tears. My therapist has given me support, strategies etc to help me deal with me, my baby, relationships, career, family and I just can't believe his kids were supposed to be the only agenda for my therapy. We attended one session together and he basically laughed off any further individual sessions for himself and for us as a couple because he thought he knew it all.
It's hard when you're the only one seeing the light and your partner thinks he knows everything despite having no friends and not knowing any kids besides his. So he generally has no one to bounce ideas, thoughts or opinions off. My therapist gave me a book about parenting after divorce and after reading the chapter on stepparents his response was 'I'm non the wiser'....like did you not read the first paragraph on how the step parent relationship is probably the hardest personal relationship most people will have and another chapter on not giving kids too much power to extent they determine the duration of the adult relationship....
there is obvioulsy a problem in the adult relationship and I am exhausted. I've done the reading, the therapy, the bonding with skids even when it looks impossible with BM influence and he's initiated absolutely NOTHING so communication is breaking down. I don't want child support - I just want out unless something drastic changes. No way I can handle visitations but my daughter will never forgive me if I do that? I just couldn't handle my daughter being with her snooty and rude half bro and sis while I'm not there left alone with disney dad. That's my dilemma if things go south further.
Onwards and upwards. i was blessed with a healthy bubbly daughter and a loving family and that reminds me to count my blessings everyday.