How can I learn to tolerate SS more?
I have posted about my skids before, and the unfair difference in parenting styles between my SO and me. This summer (as always) has been trying, since his kids are here EOW, with no activities and nothing to do except play video games and on their phones.
In the past I've signed my skids up for camps and activities (and paid for them as well), but I'm working on disengaging more, so I didn't this summer. I want their lives to be different (my bios are in activities, and working, and volunteering) but I get pushback from SO (he doesn't want to drive them anywhere, and he feels guilty when I pay for/take them places, so it causes problems) and I finally had to give that up. I can't parent them the way I think is best, and I can't keep worrying about how they are going to turn out.
I was getting stressed and anxious and feeling like the servant again, when last week a miracle occurred (LOL not quite). The skids showed up, but without SS13. He was visiting g-parents in another state. Turns out that my problem is really with him. The whole week was calm, and relaxed, and kind of fun! I hung out with my SDs, and there was no fighting or filth or thousands of dishes, and I didn't have to lock my bedroom door every time I left the room! My SDs are generally respectful and receptive when I make an effort to engage with them.
SS has various issues that both BM and SO won't acknowledge, except when he gets into trouble, and then it's all - oh, he has maybe ADD and maybe Autism and maybe PDD and maybe something else, he doesn't know any better - but they won't get him any treatment or therapy, and if I suggest it I am the bad mean SM who just hates him. He literally has no self care skills or social skills. He was stealing things from my private dresser and boxes in my bedroom, which is why I got the door lock - which also makes me the mean SM - how can I lock him out of my bedroom?
There is more history as well, which makes me REALLY reluctant to engage at all with him. In the past we have had nightmare dealings with the school and courts and BM. The first couple of years of our relationship were incredibly stressful surrounding SS.
But he is getting slowly better. He hasn't broken or stolen anything all summer. He showers now when we demand it. He hasn't hurt any kids. It really has been a pretty peaceful summer even when he has been here. I've put limits on his behavior over the past few years, and he is getting a little more aware, so he is behaving a little better.
So can I, should I, or how can I start to tolerate him a little more? I feel like I have "skid PTSD" like someone else said on another thread. Everything he does irritates me. I hate that he chews with his mouth open, food falling everywhere. I hate his braying donkey laugh. I hate that he has no interests other than video games, so I cannot have a conversation with him at all. I actually have never seen him have a conversation. I don't think he knows how. He makes my skin crawl. I've told him I don't like hugs, so I don't want him to hug me (when he was younger he would give women hugs and then put his face in their breasts, on purpose, until I lectured him for doing it. He stopped, but it was another fight with my SO for being mean).
Some of this is my issue. He is not going to become the kid I wish he could be, but can I let go and move to a place where I can get a little more used to him? Any advice?
I think no one has commented
I think no one has commented because this is the tough one.
My one stepadult makes my skin crawl because of his truly horrendous behavior.
Things that he does that would not bother me in other people, like breathing for example, stress me out completely.
If you can internally forgive him ... not tell him ... just forgive him.
As long as he is not intentionally harming or using you,
and while keeping your boundaries intact see him as the flawed human being that he is.
Honestly, fake it until you
Honestly, fake it until you make it. Literally tell yourself, in baby steps, what you are going to do differently each visit. A pleasant "Hi, how have you been" conversation of not more than 5 minutes. Maybe mention a positive to him. "it was nice seeing you again, I liked xyz about it"
I struggle with this as I am just so tired of the excuses for my SS but I have found baby steps and just 1 thing a visit makes me more positive. When there are set backs don't be surprised just carry on at the next visit and keep trying until you find it easier.
Totally agree! Fake it until
Totally agree! Fake it until you make it! lol
My SS32 is just not right.
My SS32 is just not right. On one hand he is so needy and wants to be loved. But on the other hand when someone does show him any kindness he uses them and milks them to death. He wants people to like him - but when someone opens up he sees that as a path to use and abuse them.
BM is a medical professional who has had a great job in a hospital for 30 years. Her father was a doctor who was on the board of the hospital he practiced at. Lots of medical experience and contacts there. But even with all of this SS who was referred to inpatient psychiatric care at age 5 had nothing that helped.
He had serious psychiatric issues during his entire childhood. There was no lack of recognition and treatment. SS was an alcoholic by age 13. He ended up spending the last 3 1/2 years of his minority in juvie for some unnamed horrible actions.
My BFF and her DH who were the most devoted wonderful parents ever had one child (out of 3) who ended up a total wack case in prison - after them spend hundreds of thousands of dollars for treatments and programs for her.
Sometimes unfortunately some people are just born "wrong". No amount of parenting, treatment, etc can fix them.
I think it's ok not to like
I think it's ok not to like someone. You've described things he does, but very few issues with his character... it's easier to tolerate someone when the behaviors that turn you off start disappearing. Hopefully it will continue on the positive path. Monchichi suggested baby steps... I think that's the way to go.
Thanks secret - this helped.
Thanks secret - this helped. You are right, he is not a bad kid, he just does unbelievably stupid things sometimes. He takes a shower when I ask, so I've got that going for me.
Your last paragraph is
Your last paragraph is dead-on how I feel about my SD16. When she isn't around life is fantastic. My SS14 is relaxed and wonderful and loving. We have truly been a family for the last several years. We took her on vacation to Europe and when told she wasn't getting a car (despite the fact I went to bat for her about it but now actually agree with her BM that she is not mature enough to work / drive it) she told me to go f*** myself and that I was a piece of sh**. Yes, I lost it and called her name (totally against my nature, I apologized and cried). She went and told her mom I was the one who called her a name first. She has never apologized in her life, still hasn't over this and furthermore (and most disgustingly) never even texts her dad EVER. I can't the way she sits on the couch and hums, I can't stand the breathing, the guffawing laugh like she is a 10 year boy, and the list goes on and on.
Disengage. I am 100% officially done at this point. If I wanted something that gave no love back and just made a mess, I would have gotten a hamster. Unfortunately, this is what it has become like with her. She is supposed to come back over this week, and my husband refuses to do anything for her. The kids go to school together, but we will pick up / take my SS and I don't care how she perceives it. If you are 16 and expected to be an adult in two years, and want to talk like an adult, there are consequences.
I have locked her out of my bedroom as well, and there is nothing wrong with that! I am (as you are) likely always damned if I do, damned if I don't. I was sick of going to put on makeup before work in the morning and having it missing, or getting in my bath to find no shampoo. The girl is such a jock I am not sure what she was doing with my mascara, but nonetheless.....She officially crossed the line and there will be no further talking to, discussion, food prep, or inclusion from me at my house. It is MY house too and I am the adult. I am sure you give and give and at some point, these kids need consequences.
Thanks everyone, I didn't
Thanks everyone, I didn't mean to post and then never return! I have been working on changing my attitude toward him. I also have been putting some boundaries in - he can't monopolize the living room playing loud video games all week, so I let him play one day, then I kick him out the next. It makes me feel less resentful. It is working a bit, and so I'm able to speak to him more kindly, which helps also. He needs to be told to shower - he just doesn't care if he smells - but he goes and showers when I ask, so that is a good thing.
I was holding a LOT of resentment since the CPS incident happened (not detailed here, but he made false accusations against his parents and so I had police showing up at my house and then I had to speak to a CPS worker - I was not being investigated, but false accusations could ruin my livelihood and threaten my custody of my bio kids, so I was really stressed and anxious over it, for a long time), so I'm working on trying to move past that fear and anxiety. The CPS worker was actually helpful, and gave us resources for troubled teens etc., but the fear inside me lasted for a long time. We *think* he understands that you can't do that now - and he is in a better place than when that happened, so hopefully he never will.
He will continue to be the "problem child" unfortunately - both DF and BM refuse to actually try and help the kid - they both just want to dump him off on each other, so I am worried about the future. I told DF that SS will not live with us after he is 18, and DF agrees, but who knows if he (DF) will live up to that.