"The Drama with my kids have to stop"
Okay I'm new on here. So please be kind. I'm not a "step-parent"...yet. But I feel like someday I will be. I have been dating a wonderful man for almost 8 months. His wife left him and took the teens almost 4 years ago and moved 3 hours away. 3 days later she put a restraining order on him so he filed for divorce. The divorce process took almost 3 years to complete. I got to know my bf from a singles group at church. We developed a good friendship and a few weeks after the divorce started dating.
His kids are 17 (she had a birthday last month) and his son is 15. The mom talked badly about their dad and his side of the family. When I first met the kids it was a friend of their dad. The son was/is very disrespectful and because dad was afraid to discipline the kids he is passive-aggressive about getting his way. I know he called me an inappropriate name in a joking tone and I put up a boundary (just like I do with any kid/teen I meet. I used to be a youth leader at church). His daughter and I got along great..til she found out we were dating and now she has become aloof to me. I suspect she is getting pressured by her mom to not be friendly with me.
My bf gets his kids every other weekend...or is supposed to but cancels out on him hours before they are supposed to arrive at his house. When they do come the trash the house, and the son locks himself in his room unless he is getting his way. When he has the kids I don't come around. And Christmas was hard because his mom invited me over but he didn't tell me because he had his kids.
The kids are also supposed to call every Tuesday but they don't always do that. My sweetie gets very sad when they don't call. Just last week he got angry at me when I asked if they had called him. I understand his situation. I get quiet when they call so I am not intruding on their time. And he thinks I am angry. I'm not. I'm quiet when he gets off because he's so sad.
He said he doesn't want the kids to come between us but he says the drama with his kids have to stop. I do get annoyed when we have to plan our time around the possibility that the kids will call. He checks his phone during the movies so he doesn't miss a call. I told him we could go to an earlier show or he could call them back. (Which they won't return his calls). I told him that there are some "special" times when we shouldn't have to plan around the possibility they will call. Like on my birthday or other special events. He almost didn't attend a friends wedding because he was waiting to find out if the kids were coming out to visit.
I understand he had to let his kids go sooner than most parents. But at what point does it stop that they control him? WHen they visit they demand he take them out to dinner and they order the most expensive thing on the menu.
I told him if this relationship is going to last...and if he sees a future with me then he has to make it clear to the kids that I'm not going anywhere and I need to be included on at least one thing with them on the weekend because we all have to adjust to one another. If we were to get married will I have to miss holidays with him or leave for the weekend he has the kids? The kids have already expressed to me that when they turn 18 they will no longer visit him (which is why I am okay most of the time not exsisting when they are out). His son wants his dad to move across the river so that the custody law will change and he won't have to visit his dad. I urged him to take family counseling but the kids refuse and it's kind of hard since the kids live 3 hours away.
I guess I don't know what to do other than pray and be okay with this situation. I do NOT like how he gets upset with me when he should be upset with his kids. And tells me I am causing the drama.
Any sugguestions other than get out of the relationship? This man is my best friend and I love him unconditionally. But it's not healthy I have to walk on eggshells when it comes to his kids because he doesn't want to hear anything negative.
THank you in advance.
I thought about doing that.
I thought about doing that. We get along really well and do love each other deeply. I just wish he would wake up to what his kids are doing and that he's directing his frustrations at the wrong person. I don't mention the kids anymore and let him bring them up. I know he has them this weekend. For the FULL weekend since Christmas. Last night he sounded a little disappointed he wasn't going to see me while he had the kids.
If you are going to pray for
If you are going to pray for something, pray for insight and the strength to dump this guy. I am sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't value you and he is not a catch by anyone's measure. I that in your heart you know this is true.
Please remember that you are not the problem. The skids are not the problem. He is the problem. You can do better.
He says YOU are causing
He says YOU are causing "drama" with his kids?
Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun. Run like the wind!
I assume you are not going to, though. So in that case I recommend you not marry him until you work this out with him. The two of you can work together very, very hard and it may never be perfect but it can get better if HE makes an effort.
Start by calling him out when he says these inappropriate things to you. Show your boundary.
The worst thing that happens to stepmothers is they realize they have become the scapegoat for a very dysfunctional family. Most of us don't find ourselves in this role into after the wedding. But you are already in it. He is yelling at YOU when he is angry at his kids' lack of calling (or whatever). Who would he be yelling at if you hadn't met? Teach him right now you won't serve in that role and he better go back to kicking the door or whatever he did before you dated him. (God forbid he let his kids know they have behaved badly [eyeroll] }
If you want to stay with this man start setting boundaries NOW.
BTW, if he doesn't learn to do better now don't expect he will do better when they are over 18. He will run at the speed of light any time they deign to grace him with a call or visit OR REQUEST FOR MONEY or other unreasonable resources. And you will get to live with the morose guy in between for the years at a stretch he never hears from them.
His exact words are "The
His exact words are "The drama with my kids have to stop." His mom says because I'm the one he's closest too I am taking fire. It only happens every few months. I don't ask about them anymore. And when he tells me he's getting them for the weekend I am positive about it. I do know that I have talked to our Pastor who suggested that he get counseling to help him cope. And he also said if we get anymore serious we should have a sit down together with a counselor.
If he wants the drama with
If he wants the drama with his kids to stop, he has to stop it. Parenting out of guilt, chasing them, planning his life around whether they might call or not, is bull and is on HIM. He is allowing it, he is participating in it, he's giving them the power in their relationship and in YOUR relationship.
He probably could use some counseling and if it were me, I would step back from the relationship until he works it out. Then work on your relationship and what that entails moving forward.
But he has to see that whether he is in a relationship or not, what he's doing is not right. Letting his kids call the shots should not be happening, even if he was single and had nothing else to do.
I know on my birthday he
I know on my birthday he commented we had to go to an early movie cuz the kids were going to call. I didn't respond I just smiled and said okay.. A few minutes later he said 'You know they don't always call. So if you want to go to a later show that's fine. We can't plan around them all the time." It's like he's slowly starting to see the light. They did happen to call that night (and on Valentine's Night) so the kids know what they are doing. When he did snap at me last week I responded back "You aren't perfect. We all make mistakes. I was showing I care by asking if the kids call. I won't do it anymore. If I am being sensitive to your feelings and situation please do the same with mine."
Two nights later I was going to have dinner with my "parents" and they invited him. I told him if he didn't want to go he didn't have to. He said, "I get the feeling you don't want me around. Are you embarrassed?" and I told him "No. I just don't want you to go if you don't want to." From what I have learned his ex wife just used him to for his money. She took vacations trips with the kids but not him.
Everything between u s is great until he hasn't seen the kids in a while. He won't move back to where they came from. (They lived 3 hours away then when they went bankrupt cuz of BM they moved out here to be near family and start over and he took control of the finances after she spent all their savings).
Do the dads ever learn to let go of their kids and see what they are doing is wrong? My pastor said I'm doing everything right. But I need decide what is acceptable and not. The kids will so disconnect completely from him. I know the kids get mad when he won't give them money for what they want. I give him credit for that. He told them that they were old enough to start working and earning money for the things they want. BM has not taught them the value of $ and he's very thrifty...but sometimes he does buy them expensive dinners (his ex accused him of abuse...starving her...which is funny cuz she's overweight)
Do the dads ever learn to let
Do the dads ever learn to let go of their kids and see what they are doing is wrong?
He knows what they're doing is wrong, he doesn't know how to handle it or what to do about it, without feeling guilty. He needs to get rid of the guilt, it is basically a useless emotion. It's not helping his relationship with his kids or you.
He needs to hold his kids accountable and not be at their back and call. If they want to be a part of his life, they will. If he lets them just use him and play on his emotions, they will.
Just because he is their dad and he loves them, he should not excuse or accept bad behavior.
And he certainly should not blame you or take it out on you because he has manipulative brats for kids.
Thanks. I think he is slowly
Thanks. I think he is slowly letting go. They didn't come out this weekend because the daughter was sick. (I hope from not seeing my posts on fb about her dad. Last week mom was too sick to drive them out.
What you should do is
What you should do is immediately remove yourself from being his emotional punching bag. Encourage him to get counseling. Counseling with someone who specializes in high-conflict family therapy.
He had asked me before to
He had asked me before to stop asking him if the kids called. He finally had to kind of yell at me to get it to sink in how much it hurt him.
I think for him to be showing
I think for him to be showing that level of hurt over a simple caring question is very telling. He clearly has some very large issues coping with his relationship with his children that definitely need to be worked out before you can move forward with your relationship.
So he asked you not to do
So he asked you not to do something. You did it anyway. [It happens-not snarking at you for that] Then he "had" to yell at you to get your attention.
That's a bit different than him just biting your head off to release his own feelings. But it's still not an optimal way to interact.
How about, "I'll try to be a better listener. I'm sorry about that. But please don't yell at me. I'll try to do better and I know you will, too."
Get yourself out of thinking that yelling has any place in a relationship.
And b.s. to mil saying you have to "take fire" because you're close to him. If that's true, then being far from him is vastly more desirable!
And not faith based
And not faith based counselling, either.
Why are you asking only for advice that excludes you leaving an unhealthy relationship? That makes no sense, especially when you've only been dating this man for eight months. Isn't that the purpose of dating? To get to know each other better?
And as for him being your best friend, you need to be your own best friend and love yourself enough not to be in an unhealthy situation.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters who've suggested stepping back from this man. Give him the space to figure out what ACTION he needs to take.
I also want to know what steps he has taken to try to improve the situation. Has he used the courts to enforce his rights? Does he insist on his visits? Has he petitoned the courts to order family counselling?? Is he a poor poor victim of a meanie ex, or does he take ownership for his mistakes in the marriage? And lastly, I'd want more details about that restraining order. You owe it to yourself to find out the truth about this man's considerable baggage.
You've only been dating him for eight months,and things are already problematic. Not every divorced person is ready to be in a new relationship. I'd keep my options open and date other people.
I had completely forgotten
I had completely forgotten about the restraining order.
It may have been the as*hole move of a PASing bm.
But some of the complaints of the OP about this man have to do with his anger. Yes, I'd recommend keeping an eye on it and observe whether he continues this trend of making everything her fault. Perhaps the ex knows something op doesn't. Yet.
This man is very
This man is very understanding and rarely gets angry. She didn't like that she caused them to go bankrupt and he took responsiblty for their fiances. She was always getting into pyramid schemes. He has inspired me to be more responsible with my money and budget. The BM was no longer getting her way and she left him.
He never forces the kids to
He never forces the kids to come out. Before he dated me he used to put up a fuss about them not coming out. He still does a little. He does take ownership of his part of the marriage dissolving. He was a drunk for the first years of his marriage. But he saw it was hurting it and he stopped. While he worked to provide for his family the wife got to stay at home and play on the computer. The son she had from a previous relationship and adopted out contacted her. He was okay with her having a relationship with that child and encouraged their kids to embrace their older sibling. She then tried to get back with the man she had the other child with. This was the 2nd time she tried to hook up with another man. They got counseling and to rebuild the relationship he had to have full access to her browser history which she started deleting. After she spent all their money and caused them to loose their house he decided to take back managing the finances and put them on a budget. When she left him she told the court he was starving her. These allegations were proven false.
They did get family counseling at first. The BM did a great job telling the kids all kinds of things about dad and his side of the family. A lot of anger from the kids because the mom had to tell them her side which caused him to do the same. My parents divorced and my dad was an abuser but my mom never spoke bad about our dad to us.
From what I have learned the kids have been put on a pedestal by both parents. They obviously want the kids to love them. When paternal grandma tried to establish boundaries she became the bad person. When they were married the kids would back talk dad and mom would side with the kids.
I guess it's just hard for him to let go. I don't mention the kids or make any comments. Like they were supposed to come out this weekend but one of the kids was sick. All I could say was "I'm glad I get to see you this weekend but I don't like the reason why." (meaning the kids didn't come out. Hopefully they will come out next weekend. My friends assure me that because I don't interact with the kids hardly I am not the reason for them not wanting to come out. They are not wanting to leave their friends to visit dad. They have no friends out here. I have offered to introduce them to my friends kids who are their age but they don't want to associate with anyone out here.
It's a tough situation. All I know is that we both love and care for each other. He is really sweet. He never wants to see the bad in anyone.
You know a lot of their
You know a lot of their backstory, interestingly. And do you not get the codependent/enabler vibe between you and your boyfriend? Not even a little? I'm genuinely curious here.
"All I could say was "I'm glad I get to see you this weekend but I don't like the reason why." (meaning the kids didn't come out. Hopefully they will come out next weekend".
"... but I don't like the reason why". You REALLY need to focus on avoiding these verbal tag lines with him.
All I have to say - do not
All I have to say - do not get married for the next 7 years... till youngest is aged out.
You've been dating for 8 months - nope way way to soon to be thinking about marriage...you have to tell him..
This is how it's going to be.... we can get married in 7 years time when your kids are of legal age, they will not be allowed back into our house unless they are respectful, no adult child will be moving in with us ever...
I want nothing to do with your children, I'm not their parent, I will do nothing for them and I might show respect if they do the same... if you do not agree and do something about it.. cheers