Does anyone here use respite services?
In response to one of my previous posts, a person suggested I look into respite services. I wondered if anyone else here uses them. It would be amazing to have a break from my SD (15) who has a long list of problems (severe depression, anxiety, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, and some developmental disabilities) and she lives with us full time. There's no breaks from her behavior problems.
Lately it's always me who goes out and does things with DD (3.5). DH and I never do things together only with her. He always stays home with SD because she's a nightmare to deal with. You know the stares you get when your 3 year old has a meltdown in the middle of Target or at a restaurant? Multiple those by 100 when you have a 15 year old having a meltdown.
SD is technically old enough to babysit or stay by herself, but that's not possible the way she acts and we can't trust her to be alone. Getting someone to stay with her is also not easy. I don't want to ask my mom or my sister and expose them to all her behavior problems. Having a more qualified respite provider would be perfect, but I'm not sure we'll be able to get free services.
I called the local Department of Developmental Services which lists on their website they offer vouchers for respite, but I'm not sure if SD will qualify. We're going to submit an application, but it sounds like they work with people much much more severe disabilities. Her main issues are mental health rather than developmental. I also called one of the respite providers to see how expensive it would be out of pocket and the person I talked to wasn't sure they would even be able to offer services since SD's so completely out of control and defiant and has a history of suicidal thoughts.
I got my hopes up that DH, DD and I would be able to do things that a normal family does, but no. Seems like we're utterly trapped and held hostage by SD's behavior problems.
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My DD was hell on wheels
My DD was hell on wheels during the teen years, all mental health/teen angst related. I asked for all the help from DCFS that I could get. She was in residential treatment for awhile, which helped and then had DBT therapy which she claims was massively helpful. She was also eligible for "respite foster care," basically she would go spend the night or weekend with a foster family so I could have a break from all the drama. The catch is that the kid has to agree to go, unfortunately my DD refused.
Another place that helped us was the YMCA, they have programs for low income families and DD went on a week long trip (100% paid for) with counselors and other kids in her situation. They knew about all of her issues and said, "we got this." It was a great experience for her...and me!
There are also Wilderness programs for troubled teens and the list goes on. Ask, apply, put it out there that you/she needs help. Since you have other children in the home that will all be calculated in.
Unless you're a trained therapist you're not equipped to deal with her behavior and since this is DH's spawn he really needs to step up.
The only thing I could find
The only thing I could find on a website was the DDS. I’ll try to find a mental health one, but it didn’t seem like the respite providers even dealt with mentally ill kids. I'm not sure about contacting DCFS. I'm not sure what lies SD could come up that we are abusing her. She hates her dad and me with a pure passion.
DH & my income is high enough we wouldn’t qualify for anything low income. I’ll have to look into whether insurance would cover residential.
A few months ago I called some residential/ therapeutic boarding schools I saw advertising online but the problem was she falls into a middle ground of both mental illness and developmental issues. Neither of the programs would accept kids with developmental issues. They wanted only kids in college prep/normal high school classes and wouldn’t take kids with developmental issues.
She’s had 2 hospitalizations this year (2 weeks and 3 weeks) at a mental health facility. We’re still paying off those bills. Insurance covered some, but not all of it and it’s ridiculously expensive.
There’s a new medication they are trying and it can take weeks to work, but I’m not hopeful. If that medication doesn’t work, then there’s another group of medications.
I can't see SD at a wilderness program. She just refuses to do anything, flails around on the ground when she doesn't want to do anything. Refusing to eat is her latest antic. We can't get her to do even that. Put her outside in the wilderness. I'm not sure that's a good idea.
That’s not the point. I want
That’s not the point. I want to do things with both DH and DD. I don’t want to be a single mom while DH plays prison warden at home.
I do have breaks since I work
I do have breaks since I work and I try to have time away from her. But that always involves me alone.
For example - DD loves ice skating. She isn't taking lessons yet, just going to public skating. My BIL's cousin was a competitive figure skater and is teaching her the basics. DH never goes skating - even though you'd think it would be something you could take a 15 yo to. He stays home with SD and I take DD skating. I take videos of her skating on my phone to show DH, but DD wants her daddy to see how she can skate.
It's unfair for DD to almost have a divorced parent situation where she only does things with her mom or her dad because someone has to stay home with SD.
Some dear friends of mine
Some dear friends of mine used respite services for their two kids who both had severe psychological issues. BM (mis)uses respite services for my autistic ss15.