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Anyone else experience this, DH tries to make your kids with him look bad so the stepkid looks better?

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 1:30pm

DH is dancing all over my nerves right now. SD20 was a PITA as a child, still is as an adult. Oppositional, defiant, moody, you name it. More than average, believe me.

So now that Dh and I have two kids together, I feel DH tries to make them "look" worse so he can feel better about how SD acted.

Let me give you an example. Our two BDs are aged 10 and 7. DH has to get them off to school in the morning because of schedules. Before Christmas break he told me the two of them fight constantly, BD10 has a meltdown EVERY morning, things are never done on time or as they should be, and it is miserable. Actually told me BD10's behavior reminded him of the problems we had with SD, said BD10 was every bit as bad as SD was at that age.

So I said fine, I will stay home and see how they do. Funny thing is I was the one to get them ready every morning before he took over, we did it day in and day out, earlier than he has to do it, with minimal problems. I was there this morning, they were GREAT. Got themselves up when told, ate breakfast quickly, got dressed and prepared for the day. Not one squabble between the two of them, not one meltdown. I realize one day is not an accurate representation, but still.

He is constantly dogging on BD10 and her behavior, but the comparison to SD was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. I really do think he is making our BDs out to be worse than they are so he can feel better about how SD used to act.

Comments

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 1:39pm

Last night went like this for us:

DH- BS knocked over a box of nails and left them in the garage.

Me- Really? Did you make him clean it up?

DH- ....

Me- Well, at least your surprise wasn't vomit and shit like I found all over the house last weekend from SS!

DH- Why do you make everything a competition! I can't talk to you!

Me- Seriously? I am just saying out of the 2 kids that left us messy surprises, I would have taken the nails over shit- LITERALLY.

(Last weekend SS was sick but didn't tell anyone so I found vomit all over the bathroom walls, shit on the floor- the toilet was sparkley clean. Then I found it on his floor and my dog rolled around in it and then I found it in MY bed. DH had at some point in the morning after I got up let ss in bed even though we have a strict no kids in the bedroom rule!)

Brolynbub's picture

Submitted by Brolynbub on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 2:24pm

Oh my god, that's just gross...and it sounds like my household. My son can't fluff without him complaining, yet his son wets his bed every night, poops without wiping etc etc. if I draw a comparison I get blasted for being ridiculous and making it a competition.

anotherstepmom's picture

Submitted by anotherstepmom on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 1:42pm

Sounds like you are right on to me. Even if one day isn't enough of a representation, most of these kids whose behavior is less than desirable act that way a lot, not just in the mornings or during one particular time in the day. Know what I mean? If the behavior your DH is describing does not sound like the BD10 you know, he's definately doing what you are saying he is. I would tell him that it's terrible parenting to compare the kids (BD10 & SD) and if BD10 overheard him she would be damaged so he better never say that again, lol, a little dramatic I know, but it would piss me off.

Patsy's picture

Submitted by Patsy on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 1:49pm

I thought my Dh was doing the same thing. Come to find out our DD was great for me, but would treat my DH much like my SD would treat him. I let DH know in short she is treating you like SD does because she thinks she can get away with it. DD doesn't treat me like that but then again I didn't let SD treat me that way either. You allowed SD to treat you that way so YOU need to work on it with DD. I will let DD know it is expected she treat you with respect and if it ever happens in my presence I will back you up 100%. Since that conversation 3 years ago I have not heard him say anything about how DD treats him.... :jawdrop:

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 2:14pm

Patsy, you're absolutely right. BD10 does treat DH differently than she treats me because he lets her get away with it. He told me she was having meltdowns, I asked what he did about that, he said: "What am I supposed to do?" Blink blink. So yes, that is part of it, but surely she can't act that way every ... single ... day ... to the point that everybody else in the house (him and BD7) are miserable. It's just not possible. He also claimed BD7 and BD10 fight constantly, again, maybe they do when I'm not there, but do we sense a theme that maybe it's the parenting and not the kids causing the problem? It just really irked me when he tried to compare BD10 to SD. Don't even go there!

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 3:19pm

That would have been your opening to say: "SAME THING YOU SHOULD HAVE STARTED TO DO 21 YEARS AGO! BE A PARENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Patsy's picture

Submitted by Patsy on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 5:34pm

Anything is possible. My DD did this to my DH with a vengeance until DH was able to see she was learning this from my SD's and DH's relationship. He changed his ways with both of them and it stopped, but it does come back from time to time. Just last week my DD was called out for not being honest with us. She tried to turn the argument around, much like SD does to try to make DH feel guilt. The argument did not go far. The argument did make DH see yet again where he went wrong with SD. I agree all kids are different and there are times to parent them differently. It irks me when Dh compares the two of them, they are different in so may ways it just makes me think he has no clue about his children sometimes. If this is really going on or he is making stories up you can stop his complaining to you by telling him they must be different around you when I'm not around. You have to take care of it. I can't do anything about what goes on when I am not around. Either way that should pretty well shut him up.

Brolynbub's picture

Submitted by Brolynbub on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 2:28pm

Wow this is like my DS and my partner. DS is a beautiful child, sensitive and smart...but around my partner he is rude and obnoxious. I won't tolerate smart ass or back chatting from him, but because he sees SS treat my partner this way and get away with it, he runs with it.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 2:01pm

I think to compare any two kids is like comparing apples and oranges. Every person is different so it's useless.

He is trying to deflect his pi$$ poor parenting and SD's pi$$ poor behavior. That simple.

I don't know how you put up with his $hit.

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 2:09pm

The answer to your question is yes, yes YES! CTBB was going to be a doctor, a lawyer, something really really SPECIAL. Even though he peed the bed, failed in school not due to dumbness but laziness, was obese, threatened suicide to get his way, and smelled. Dropped out when he was 15, yes 15 that's not a typo MIL singed for him to do it. (biologically he's DH's nephew). He is now living a decent life but still with problems related to laziness and lack of independence. Our kids: Perfectson24, happily married to sweetest girl ever and on track to be one of the youngest lawyers in the state. The state supreme court justice he clerked for this summer told Mrs. Perfectson he was the smartest, quickest intern she ever had. DH when Perfectson was 15 (coincidentally when CTBB dropped out and 1st time arrested)and entering the IB program: "He'll NEVER make it". DD21:About to graduate honors college and go to grad school. She has always been focused like a laser beam on her goals, and very religious. We're Catholic. DH when she was 17 and had her 1st boyfriend:"she better not get knocked up"! DD14: On track to go to an arts high school (nationally recognized) due to gifted writing. DH himself is a writer. He ought to be proud, no? DH: "I better put in a good word for her!" So there you go. Sorry for the wall of text but this is my pet peeve. Always has been . These are his BIOLOGICAL children; CTBB is not.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Wed, 01/08/2014 - 2:42pm

Honestly part of the problem BD10 has with DH, and I can't really blame her, is that he's losing his hearing but does not try to hear/listen. BD10 will ask him something one time, two times, three times, then get upset. Then he yells at her, still doesn't answer her question and she goes away frustrated and with her feelings hurt. Or he'll answer something absolutely nonsense because he didn't actually hear the question. Or he'll just say yes or no without listening, then BD10 thinks she has permission to do something, then he gets mad at her when she does.