Gearing up for a battle: What would you do?
I posted before about DH wanting to take our two BDs (ages 10 and 7) on a five-hour drive to visit SD20 at her college for family day or some such.
Since then, I have learned the following things:
1. DH only has Saturday off and not Sunday, so it would be 10 hours of driving for the kids in one day in a very small vehicle (couldn't fit three adults comfortably).
2. BD10 has an activity that day. When we signed her up, we agreed she would attend every session. If she does not attend, she will sit out the next time. In fact, we had a family trip planned out of state last weekend and DH and BD10 did NOT go so she could attend said activity.
3. BD7 has an activity that day as well. It's only an eight-week program and she has been asking to join it for two years. Finally got her in, she had her first practice last night and was so excited she didn't want to leave when it was over.
I told DH points two and three and he got mad, but I thought he understand. Then yesterday he was talking about how "we" will be going to this college things. Knowing I will NOT go along, I can only presume he means our two BDs.
So I'm gearing up for a battle. Do I give up and let them go, knowing the consequences? Or do I dig in?
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Comments
Can you talk to BD's
Can you talk to BD's privately to see if they even want to go? I think their answers to the question might give you more ammunition for battle. Mention to them their prior commitments as well.
I'd hate to put them in the
I'd hate to put them in the middle of this. Yes they want to see SD20, but they won't want to do the 10-hour drive crammed into DH's vehicle. They just saw SD20 two weekends ago when DH funded her trip down here and put her up in a hotel, so to me it's not worth it for them to do all that driving for a few hours (5 at the most) in SD's town.
Yes, they are important. It's
Yes, they are important. It's not the end of the world for them to miss them, but it would take something more compelling for me than a visit to SD20. Especially considering BD10 just missed a family trip out of town (likely our only family vacation this year) for her activity.
I wouldn't go, let him go if
I wouldn't go, let him go if he wants to. Who wants to spend 10 hours in a car with kids no matter how big the car is.
Ok...I would NOT want my kids
Ok...I would NOT want my kids going to see SD just cause she sounds like a skank.
BBBUUUTTTT...Looking at this from your DH's side....I actually think your argument is pretty weak and I would get mad too.
I mean really...he does not think his kid is a skank so he WANTS his other kids to see her.
I would just let them go and enjoy the day alone!!
wWillow, there is that first
wWillow, there is that first point.
I just wasn't including it so I wouldn't influence people's responses.
You think it's weak that BD10 missed out on a family vacation for her activity, so it would not make sense for her to miss her activity just to drive 10 hours to see SD20 for five hours?
You think it's weak that BD10
You think it's weak that BD10 missed out on a family vacation for her activity, so it would not make sense for her to miss her activity just to drive 10 hours to see SD20 for five hours?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
To be fair...that was not in your first post or I missed it. I am NOT taking your DH's side. I would feel the SAME way as you do. FOR SURE...
I am just looking at this from his side...College family day is a big deal where we are from. He thinks it is ok for the kids to miss a few activities to be able to go to only one family day at college. (knowing your SD, she will be there much longer than 4 years...but I digress). That is how your DH is looking at this. That is why it is not a hill I would die on. JMHO.
Just wondering...you and your DH and other kid went on vacation without your 10 and 7 year old because of this activity...?
Oh, I'm not being defensive,
Oh, I'm not being defensive, I really wanted to know if that was your take on it. I'm trying my best to see DH's side of things.
There are actually two separate weekends for this thing, but BDs just saw SD20 two weekends ago so it's not as if they have gone a long time without seeing her. Plus, DH went the first year and SD20 paid almost no attention to him so he felt it was just a big waste of time. Now he's giving it another go and expecting different results I guess.
No, my other kid and I went on the vacation while Dh and older BD stayed home. That was DH's choice to deal with the situation.
Unfortunately he works
Unfortunately he works weekends and he asked for this day off specifically to go see SD20 at her college.
This one's easy for me- ask
This one's easy for me- ask each BD separately and casually, " would you rather do your activity that day or go with dad to see SD?" Don't make either one sound better than the other. Whatever they decide- BOOM there's your decision. If they chose to stay home & DH gets pissy that is HIS problem.
10 hours in a car with a 10 &
10 hours in a car with a 10 & 7 year old AND to go do nothing but cater to SD. LOL, let them go he deserves everything he gets with this trip. Stop being the voice of reason; let him suffer 5 hours of "but I could have been doing ____" ".... are we there yet?"
DO NOT PACK ANYTHING FOR THOSE CHILDREN TO DO. This is your DH's wonderful idea, remember.
Smile brightly, tell DH, "Ya know dear, you really seem to want this trip and I know you are the girls deserve some quality time with SD. Go. Have a blast."
Pick up a good book, bottle of wine & forget to charge your phone for the weekend.
Problem is, he will take his
Problem is, he will take his stress out on our two BDs. If they act up on the drive home from boredom, he will lash out. I KNOW they will come home miserable from this little trip.
Ok. If he misbehaves that
Ok. If he misbehaves that badly then perhaps you two have other issues. Otherwise, Not your problem. You are his spouse not his mamma. Stop trying to protect him.
I'm not trying to protect
I'm not trying to protect him, I'm trying to protect BDs. Yes, we have other issues.
I would dig in. This is
I would dig in. This is something for your sd20. This is not a fun day for your bios-it is a special event for your sd20. Your dd's will spend 10 hours in a car and then spend a few hours with their much older sister whom they just saw 2 damn weeks ago. I guess I'd understand more if there had been a large gap of time since they saw her last. Or if they were super super close. Of course if they were super super close I would assume that your sd20 would have invited you and your girls over to her hotel to swim and have fun family time rather than diving into the cooler of beer with her pal-like she did a few weeks ago.
Your dh cannot use the argument that "family is before activities" since apparently you both made the decision that bd10 needed to miss a family event the weekend prior for this activity.
I will add that I don't remember my parents ever coming to my college apartment/dorm. They didn't come on family day-as is simply didn't seem to be a big deal and I am very close with my parents. I drove home every weekend to stay the weekend so I guess I didn't feel the need to invite them to a family day. I survived and was not scarred in anyway. In addition, I can safely say my brother never visited me at college-ever. And he was a grown man with means to get there on his own and it was not a 10 hr round trip away. Your sd is a grown woman whether she wants to think so or not. She should begin to think of others besides herself and realize that 10 hours in a car for two little girls who already have their own scheduled activities is probably not a good idea.