I'll start from the beginning. I fell in love with my husband after knowing both him and his wife for many years. We were all going through pretty uncomfortable divorces, and my now husband and I were close friends, leaning on each other for support when there was no one else. His ex-wife is now convinced, and has announced to the world, that we were cheating for 2 years...not true, but I've learned that people can say what they want.
I have three children of my own, 5 year old twins and 7 year old. He has one, 5. His son has always been "bad". When he was still married to the child's mother, he had a reputation for being the bullying kid even at 2-3 years old. He screamed in my yard during a time out once when they came over. He bit his church teacher. It's not a new thing. Problem is, my husband tries to blame the divorce for the behavior and act like it wasn't an issue before. My kids have always been well-behaved...normal kids that aren't perfect, but well-behaved. When SS5 is here, he is wild, and no matter how much I try, it eventually rubs off on the other kids and chaos ensues to the point I wish none of them were here. I have developed extreme anxiety. My SS is rude to me. When my husband is not here it is 1000 times worse. I try to tell him the worst of the worst, but I feel like if I tell him everything he does it will seem like I am picking on a 5 year old. We have been living together for 2 years and SS has been in counseling much of the time due to his behavior (which is not just horrendous here, but at daycare as well). He throws tantrums that have my blood pressure rising just thinking about it now. I feel like we have gotten no where in the last 2 years...but I will hear my husband telling his ex that SS was well-behaved this weekend...(I'm wondering when...when he was sleeping??) I know that if it was my child, I might be in denial as well, but I feel like I'm overdoing the discipline with my kids to make up for his behavior because I really have no control of him. He was recently tested for asbergers, but determined not to have it...my question is how do you come up with a thought as severe as a child possibly having asbergers, then just drop it and not continue trying to find a resolution to behavior like this? Personally, he is classic, but I don't think either parent filled out the questionnaire honestly. My husband would ask me questions on it and it was hard to answer honestly for me since my feelings are that the child needs boot camp at age 5, but when I would suggest things, my husband would "meet in the middle". If I thought the behavior was a 3 on a scale from 0-3, he would put a 1. How do you help a child that you are denial has a problem?
My kids don't like when he's around. My husband wishes his ex would fall off the face of the earth. I don't want to be his biological mother. I would probably end up in a mental facility if I had to parent him every day. (We currently have him one night a week and every other weekend, but has recently turned into Thursday to Monday weekends since I think mother is exhausted by him.). I talk little to not at all about this with my husband because he thinks I'm not trying hard enough so I'm afraid we will just fight about it. We fight about NOTHING else, so I feel like it's my fault if I can't get beyond this.
I know I am the adult, but is it wrong for me to not want to try so hard when the child will sit in front me and say that he loves everyone in the house except me? There's only so much one person can take. I am considering going to counseling just so I can vent about it but I don't want my husband to know. I love him with all my heart and truly thought that because we love each other so much everything would just be easy. My kids definitely have moments with him, but they love him so much. They on the other hand don't have as actively involved of a father so my husband is a very active role in their life. My SS has a mother and I am not trying to take her place.

I am so terrified to talk about this, but even now after SS has gone home from a 5 day weekend with us, I am on the verge of breaking down, sitting her by myself.