Step Daughter from Hell
Hi:
I am new to this forum. I met my stepdaughter when she was twelve, and she is now 26. She was a horror from 12 - 14, and then we became close. Everything was fine through the years when she needed things. Then she got married and had her first child, and apparently started having behavior problems with him, around his 1st birthday, such as severe temper tantrums which left a permanent bruise on his forehead. I never saw these tantrums, so I didn't make a big deal over them, and thought he just inherited her bad temper. Last October my husband visited with them, and saw an episode that totally alarmed him. I was away on business, so I didn't see. When she asked her dad what he thought about the episodes, my husband mentioned "Asbergers" and thought that he should be evaluation by her doctor. She never heard of Asbergers and when he mentioned it was a form of autism she when ballistic on him and called him the next day and they had a huge fight over the phone. A couple of weeks went by and I tried to call her several times and email her to tell her that I missed her and no reply. Then I email her and asked her why she was giving me the cold shoulder, and she replied by saying that she felt that I started the whole thing that putting the Asbergers thought in her dad head, which could not be further from the truth. I sent her several emails after that defending myself and telling her that I loved her and her child and wanted to be a part of there lives unconditionally and every one came back with a nasty, hurtful reply. I then decided to let go and stay a shadow and let her dad and her work things out. They eventually started to have breakfast occasionally and I stayed behind. Then her dad went into the hospital for heart surgery and was hurt that she did not even call or ask anyone how he was doing. He decided then to let her contact him first if she still wanted to get together, rather then always contacting her first. Also he was hurt by her never asking about me or wondering why I never showed up for breakfast. It was like I didn't exist. 5 months went by and no contact. Then she had her 2nd child.
(I should add that her dad and I learned of this 2nd pregnancy from her cousin. She never told us about it.)
I decided not to ruin her day by showing up at the hospital, so I stayed in the car, while he went up to see the baby. As much as I wanted to go, I felt very unwanted and uncomfortable.
Another several months past and the baby had his baptism. We both went to the church and she could not even make eye contact with me. Her husband is a sweetheart and I gave him a hug and whispered that I missed them and he whisped back that he missed us also. I imagine that this situation is difficult for him as well. As much as I wanted to go to the party afterwards, my husband refused to go, due to the disrespect his daughter has for me.
I finally emailed her last week and told her that I would like to sit down and have a talk with her and wanted us to be a family again. Her response was "That would be nice". I was so happy that she was willing to do this. When she learned that the meeting was just between her and myself and her dad was not going to be there, she sent me an email saying " What's the point" and would only meet with "us", (my husband and I) and refused to have breakfast with me. My husband was so angry and hurt by her response. I was hurt also. Then she lashed out at me in her next email saying that her dad told her the reason why he has been keeping his distance, was because I have been feeling hurt that she did not once ask about me in the past year, and has been treated me with disrespect. She told me that I was being selfish and playing head games with her and she was sick and tired of it. She also told me that reason why she snubbed me at the being of the fight with her dad, was that she did not want a relationship with me, if her dad was not in the picture. Yes she did make that clear at the beginning. If her dad was not around, she wanted nothing to do with me. I have done so much for her through the years and feel so hurt by all of these. It is to the point that I am getting chest pains and almost went to the ER yesterday. I really don't know what to do other then to stay out of this toxic woman's life. The problem is that her dad wants nothing to do with her, if I am not in the picture, with is making her hate me even more. I personally want him to have a relationship with his adorable grandchildren,( and would love to have one as well) but she has made is clear that there is no chance of that happening without a relationship with her. I feel like pawn in this. I don't know what to do.
Don't blame that on her
Don't blame that on her Asperger's, if she is indeed autistic, blame it one her being a pain in the a$$. I honestly I'm kind of sick of people labeling others with "psychological" problems. It's the best way for people to feel good about themselves and blame everything on someone else.
With that said, when someone is an AHOLE, they are an AHOLE. I know PLENTY of neurotypical people who are AHOLES. It is YOUR HUSBAND who is creating this nightmare for you, not her. Why? Because she was more than willing to meet with "BOTH OF YOU", and not you and he didn't try to pursue that to make things work. I wouldn't meet with you alone either, especially because you could tell my father something that wasn't discussed or change how things actually happened and I would want him THERE to witness exactly what was said between us. So, if you really want things to work out, I am not sure why it is that you want to meet alone with her instead of with your DH there. Now, I can see where your DH does not want to be there because maybe she'll bring up the TRUTH as to things he has said to her that he's not telling you...and well, that would suck.
I tell you this because MANY men do this. They say something to their kids, their ex's, their families and then those people start to hate us and then of course, they don't tell US the real truth as to what they told these people...so we think it's the fault of their ex, families, and kids and our DHs are just the "innocent bystander" in all of this.
Hmmmmmmmm. you have been in
Hmmmmmmmm. you have been in her life along time and I can tell you truely care for her and your family. It must have been hard for her to hear that about her child and I suppose I would be defensive as well. I would have DH talk to her one on one and then go from there. A situation like this in not good especially when little ones are involved. Don't take it personal; but start somewhere before too much time passes. Good luck
It was a bit insensitive to
It was a bit insensitive to say Aspberger's to her. IMO DH should go and apologize to her for that. What I would have done was asked her to rule out some stuff, like fever...which can make babies irascible, as can constant pain, a kid really cannot say 'oh I might have an infection so take me to the doctor's office'. Some children are malcontents too...no matter what you do for them it's never enough. I think DH could have been a lot more supportive with SD, regarding her baby's health.
I agree with herewegoagain, it's all to easy to 'pass the buck' these days.
I think kids are kids and need to be set straight on their positions in the family structure and in society. It's all TOO lax in my opinion. Does anyone agree with me that kids are given too much power by adults, also they are not able to deal with it and react badly...because they are still CHILDREN! Babies manipulate from inches long...I believe that parenting is about finding a balance between doing what's right for both parent and child. Life gets tedious for all of us at times...LOL not just for the kids!
Oh dear! Bit of a mess. I
Oh dear! Bit of a mess.
I think you need to take a step back from this because its making you physically ill and thats not going to *fix* anything.
IMHO the idea of meeting with my SM without my dad, leaves me feel uneasy. I appreciate your relationship with your sd is far and away closer than mine, however there is a considerable amount of "he said...she said..." here and instead of this happening a meeting with you and DH, and sd and perhaps her hubbie is a GREAT idea. I realise you want a one to one discussion, because you are an adult and this involves only you and sd however it has affected everyone else, along with DH intervening at times (and rightly so imo as this is his daughter). So in order to get to the crux and truth of who has said what and why, putting things in context it would be really beneficial for your DH to be there - because he can put sd right in front of you in terms of unfair accusations. Perhaps he did say something that sd could have misunderstood, easily done and now bam its your fault. You ALL need to clear the air. Plus if sd says something which later turns into something else, and she makes out you said x when you didnt, then you have witnesses and nothing can be twisted to be used behind your back. Win win.
I'm sorry you're going
I'm sorry you're going through this...
Do you think that maybe there's nothing wrong with her, and she resents being forced into something that she either doesn't want or was never prepared for?
I have 2 step mothers. One I adore and who adores me, and one that I haven't seen in 15 years or more though her daughter (my sister) and I speak and love each other...My step mother just wasn't interested in being a step mother...and frankly, I wasn't interested in being her step daughter...Is what it is...My dad used to try to force the issue, and it was hell for both my sister and me. My dad and sister used to fight ALL the time regarding it, while I just stayed away...I didn't want to be bothered. It wasn't that I didn't like the woman, I didn't have anything for her personality wise...*shrugs*. We never developed a close relationship...And now that I have my own family, when I think about my other step mother, DS has another Granny when as it relates to her...My other step mother?? It makes me giggle to think that in some respects she "kinda" could be that, too as my sister (her daughter) is in love with DS and has his pictures all over her place and speaks about him as he's her nephew...
It might be one thing to want to be or have something with someone, but if they're not interested in reciprocating, then you have to step back and let it go, IMO...
She might feel like you're forcing your way into her life at this point and she doesn't want that...Give her the space that she's obviously demanding...
Also, my dad had a live in girl friend when I was growing up (Papa was a rolling stone, but that's another story) and she used to try to be our mother, and that pissed us off...She'd try to do and be and insert herself into our lives where she didn't belong. When we'd put her off, she'd literally get mad and cried to my dad...She tried to have parties and stuff for us on our birthday, and it was just weird. So she got upset when we weren't gushing with excitement...NO LADY WE'RE WEIRDED OUT! Like what was your point or angle?? Sure her gestures were nice, but to pre-teens, our minds were somewhere else...And now that I'm much older and more mature, I STILL think the lady was crazy...even though I understand what she tried to do...It left a permanent bad taste in my mouth...I resented her trying to MAKE herself something to me, instead of allowing me to make that place for her...If that makes sense...and that's the difference between the first two women, and the woman I love and refer to as my step-mother...
I spoke with my SD husband
I spoke with my SD husband and now have more insight to the situation. She desperately wants a relationship with her father and lashes out at him and my husband ends up distancing himself. It is a vicious cycle. I am caught in the middle of this. They both need to see a counselor and resolve issues that have been going on long before I was in the picture. The SD husband is going to try to talk his wife into going and I know that my husband is willing, as he mentioned it the other day. I really think that this is the only solution, as all of us are suffering from this. Wish me luck.