My first entry
And I want to start it out by thanking all of those avid posters whose IDs I see all over the place. I signed up before Valentine's Day, I think, and posted directly afterwards, because I REALLY needed it! I was happy to read all those who answered, even those who were straight up "give him that ring back, get outta there!" 
I drew strength from that, so thank you!! I talked with my mom and my sister on the telephone...I'm giving this relationship another three weeks.
The kids are coming over today, and I'm happy about that! What I'm not happy about is that he and I talked about what we could do, and because of the budget strain (CS issues), I suggested something, and he said "Great idea!" Last week, he told me he gave the kids a choice to do something else, and they chose that something else. I can't participate because I spend all my money on us, and on him and his hobby, and until then, I didn't mind having nothing left over for me. That is still hanging in the air today, and I don't think he understands...
The great thing about this week, though, is I laid out all the major ground rules (thank you again, Stalkers!). The greatest one for me is "I have no responsibility where I have no authority". My personal ground rule is "Where there is no respect, there can be no love".
He knows I'm here...I broke it to him yesterday, so he's been warned that I'm informing myself about the type of situation I'm getting into. He knows I'm not willing to go crazy over his past, and if he does not contribute to my well-being, I can take care of myself all by myself, far away from him and his past!
I don't know any of you, but I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the experiences and advice that you've all shared!
Erica
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Comments
Good luck and please keep us
Good luck and please keep us posted.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Well said StepAside. Kids
Well said StepAside. Kids can "feel" whatever they feel, but their behavior is not a "feeling".
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Not really puzzling when you
Not really puzzling when you think about who they've become. This was actually quite effective for me in discussing Creature with dh. Here is what I said to him when he said "I feel guilty and I want to make her happy". I asked him to think about how Wingnut was raised. To REALLY think about it and asked him if he wanted his daughter to come to him 40 years from now when she is 43 and say "daddy, my husband left me and I have no job, no retirement savings, no education, no money, and no friends" and have to think "hmmm, I should have raised her better because I can't really blame the poor sucker for leaving her and it is her own fault she has no education / money, etc." or do you want to know she is strong enough to take care of herself and think "she really doesn't deserve this, she is a good person" because you're deciding that for her TODAY in how you raise her.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Hi, Step, I need to re-read
Hi,
Step, I need to re-read that post because I just know there are pearls in there for me
I know that our relationship is also a model for them for their future relationships. One day, when he was feelinng particularly upset at his ex-wife, he said of his daughter: ah, D will be pregnant by 16. I already feel sorry for the poor bastard that does it...he'll be paying CS for the rest of his life, and she won't work a day". Verbal slamming ensued. I do not tolerate SHIT talk about kids...not "mine", not "his", not ANYONE's. Children did not ask to be born, then get caught up in "adults'" problems. I see that we are headed for many talks, and many of them will not be pretty. If I end up leaving him, he will know that I have loved his children, to the point of defending them from him...
Slowly, though surely, I am realizing that the problem is him. He wants to be the good guy, somewhere...and that seems to overpower the desire to be a good father. HE gave them the choice when we had already decided (so I thought). Turns out, he chose otherwise...and I am feeling locked out. I'm passive-aggressive, so he'll be having problems for the next week or so. If I stick around that long!
The marriage is the core of
The marriage is the core of the blended family. You are an equity partner in the marriage and you have to be an equity parent in the blended family. Equal to both your SO and to the X/BM. Not a second class citizen in your marriage or your own home.
I for one take the "tough shit" approach to any opinion of my Son's (SS) BioDad and SpermGrandMa. My house, my money, my rules and they can kiss my ass. Of course with my Wife it is a different approach that I take. I give my opinion but if hers differs I will back her. But, on some things I will put my foot down and not budge just as on some things she will not budge. Those are the times when one or both of us will back down until we can figure out a viable path forward.
As far as your SO expressing his concerns for his childrens future and forecasting an unwed teen pregnancy..... I think there is nothing wrong with that. He is concerned, he is venting and he is working through his fears for his daughter along with the contempt he has for his XW. This is a good thing IMHO.
My Wife and I do the same thing with our Son (SS). We are concerned, we are pissed off and we are aware that some point the problems he has inherited from the SpermClan and from us will be his problems to address and hopefully solve. At some point all the problems we inherit from our parents become our problems and we can either solve them or whine about them. Our son is repeating some of the same mistakes and showing similar character defects to his SpermDad. We point this out without mentioning any names but he knows that he is repeating many of the behaviors that he vents about when he returns from a SpermClan visitation.
I am hopeful that my own Son (SS) will move beyond his SpermDad's genetic deficiencies and any baggage he has inherited from his Mom and I to be a viable adult who is accountable for his own performance and his own actions. The hard part is that at nearly 18yo his problems are now his and his Mom and I can do little more than give him our advice and opinions on how to address them.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)