So, I posted a few weeks ago about my shock baby news, only left it up for a few hours as well as I felt that given all the risks it was too early and I was tempting fate.

We lost our baby a week and a half ago.

I am devastated, which feels strange, because it wasn't a planned baby, we are WAY too old to be doing all that again (I am 47 he is 49) It has just been a rollercoaster lately and I am not coping well.

Today I had to book an ultrasound to check "for any retained products of conception" and it has completely undone me. It's so cold and clinical, that's my baby they are talking about.

Sorry. A bit emotional.

OH has been a rock. Sort of feeble smile, I don't think men get it really.

It happened on a skid weekend. I told him BEFORE he picked them up (hours before) that I was bleeding and scared. I thought he would tell BM that he couldn't get them, but no - precious little poopsies HAD to come. So the following day I knew it was happening for sure (pain and heavier bleeding) I told him that, and arranged for him to take my kids to dancing and his out for the rest of the day. While I would have like him here for support I didn't want them here as well. So, they were out from 12ish to about 9.30pm. Came in all in a bother - frantic and urgent - SS11 had stubbed his toe and needed immediate medical attention - I was despatched to get the Dettol, cotton wool etc to clean him up, "find the bandaids" blah blah blah.

Because, you know I was just lazing around on the couch - of course SS11's stubbed toe was WAY MORE IMPORTANT than me losing our baby, than me being in pain etc.

I don't think he really even registered that it was kinda hurtful to me.

But apart from those two things he has actually been great. He really stepped up when we found out about the baby, was supportive (we were both scared - lots of reasons to be - medical issues, genetic testing, our age, money, the instability of our family already) but we were also excited - an "ours baby"! He has been a lot more considerate of meeting my needs, taking into account how I feel and what works for ME as well as him and the skids - take Monday, the skids normally come here Weds afternoon til 9.30pm, but this week SS11 has gone to camp today. Tuesday (yesterday) was a public holiday here; OH works from 5am til 5pm or later most weekdays; my kids have dancing every night of the week for 1-4 hours.

So Monday he texted me that he was going after work to visit the skids so he would see SS11 before camp. I was going to be out til almost 9 so no drama.

I texted back "no problems, thought you would see them tomorrow"

He then texted me "yes, that would be better for me, been a long day - I will ask BM if I can get them for the afternoon instead of Weds"

I replied "We are having butter chicken for tea will they eat that? Weds is DD9's birthday, I would prefer tonight but am ok with either as long as they'll eat the chicken!" (skids are incredibly fussy and dd9 was hoping for SD to be at her birthday - no party this year because we went to Disneyland in Sept so she wants there to be more people there at least )

So, he went with what was better for me - saw them Monday night while I was out - everyone was happy.

Previously he would have just gone whenever, with no word, come home when he pleased and if I dared ask what time he would be home would get "I won't be late!!!" which to me is a passive aggressive pissy way of NOT answering and saying "screw you"

But we have talked recently (a lot!) about how if I have information then I feel secure and knowing what's going on makes me feel more comfortable. And also that when he is planning these extra trips out to visit them - or to even go see his mum in the nursing home - whatever - he used to ALWAYS pick Tuesday - the ONLY night of the week I am home before 6pm. Its our one night of the week to just be NORMAL and spend a proper evening together, and he would ALWAYS go visiting on that night and get home whenever!

So I pointed out that its the only night we get to be together, that he could go visiting any other night - Monday, Thursday and Friday I don't get home til nearly 9 - I don't have a problem with the visiting - its the time he was choosing to do it - I would be more than happy for him to be out the same nights I am - I much prefer that than having him sit at home alone while I'm out.

At first he thought I was being controlling, trying to run everything, stop him seeing his kids and mother - all the usual crap.

I think he gets it now - that's it's not controlling to ask what time he'll be home when he goes out unexpectedly, that's it's not about him not seeing them - just the Timing.

Oh well. It has been a full on few months, I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. Will delete this later.