SD moving back in with us
For those of you who might not know (or remember), here's the back story. BM had primary physical custody of the SDs. At age 17 however, the youngest SD was so stressed out living with her mom that she ended up in the hospital (and then intensive therapy) with stomach issues. She wanted to come live with us, her therapists agreed that was best, they helped her tell BM, and in Jan she moved in. Less than 3 months later she got pregnant. *sigh* DH is still angry at himself (and her) for that.
So, she wanted to move in with her BabyDaddy. DH (with my complete support) said no way in hell. BM told SD "if you move back in with me, I'll let your boyfriend live here too." SD and BabyDaddy moved in with BM. DH and I told her at the time that this was a bad idea. SD lived with her BM for 2 months.
Yesterday (the day after SD22's wedding!) SD told her mom that she and BabyDaddy were moving in with BabyDaddy's grandmother (BDG). I have no idea how it escalated, but BM and SD got into a physical fight (BM slapped SD, SD "jumped on" BM, and I have almost zero interest in knowing any of the details of all that), and BM kicked them out of her house. SD thinks this means that she can now go live at BDG's.
HA!
DH told her that her choices are to live with us or with her mom, living with BDG is not an option. He did let her spend the night there last night, but she is supposed to be "home" today at 6pm. Oh I can just imagine how this conversation is going to go.... she has already tried to say that because she's pregnant, she is "emancipated". Wrong. That she has the "right" to make her own decisions. Wrong. That this is what's best for her and her future. Wrong wrong wrong. *sigh* DH is willing to give her some rope, but I think he is COMPLETELY right to tell her that she must have a home with her parents, at least for now. I strongly suspect that BabyDaddy is (at the least) an ultra controlling, petty, immature asshole, and I want her to have as much space as possible because I'm hoping she sees that soon.
Oh, and the kicker is that BabyDaddy's mommy called DH (several times) to try to browbeat him into letting SD move in with BDG! "I was a mom at 17, they need this time to try to get to really know one another" yada yada yada. Idiot.
I'm not entirely sure I WANT SD17 to live with us. Not that she's a bad kid, but she's sevenfreakingteen with all the bullshit that entails. (Last time we had issues with lying, mostly about and for the boyfriend.) And when she left our house last time, my kids (her half-siblings) really missed her - I hate setting that up for them again. And then there's my biggest fear... what if she DOES see BabyDaddy for the jerk that he is (he's never treated her well, I still don't understand why she allows it) and decides NOT to move in with him??? That means I will have SD17 and her baby living in my house. Indefinitely. She's still in high school for god's sake, there's no way I'd kick her (and the baby) out unless there were some sort of danger to my bios - not just because it's an inconvenience to me though, certainly.
Why couldn't BM just keep her act together and be a good freaking mother??? WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS?!?!? *sigh* Sorry, just a vent there....
Oh, and for the inevitable
Oh, and for the inevitable "disengage" comments...
No, it's not like that. It's not that I feel like I have to be her *mother*, or even really her parent. But this is no less than I would do for a niece or nephew (not that either of my sisters would be the piss poor moms that BM is!). And I'm not going to do any more for SD17 than *I* feel like doing. I'm just stressed that she's coming back into the house, especially with such drama. I'm not going to send her away or anything though. Sometimes family just stresses you out and you need to vent. 
What was the decision on the
What was the decision on the baby? I think that would dictate where it is best for her to live. She has some serious reality coming her way and she doesn't sound like she is prepared for it.
Thanks for the responses,
Thanks for the responses, guys!
OK, to answer a few questions... Nope, abortion is completely off the table. DH mentioned it to her when she first found out but BabyDaddy said he "wouldn't allow her to do that" and she basically said she was going to listen to BabyDaddy. (I mention his phrasing just because it's one more indication of how thoroughly he controls her. He's 23 to her 17, by the way.)
As to her being emancipated or whether the police would involve themselves, we've actually spoken to the police (unofficially). They said pregnancy is irrelevant (you can get pregnant at 13 for goodness' sake, they're certainly not going to allow a 13 year old to declare she's emancipated). If she is under 18, she can be removed from BDG's home and charges can be pressed against both BDG and BabyDaddy. (We wouldn't go that route, but it IS useful for SD - and controlling asshole BabyDaddy - to know.)
As for whether to let her feel the consequences of her bad decisions... *sigh* Yeah, that had occurred to me. And part of me is tempted to tell DH to do just that. But.... I think what's *really* holding me back from that is the type of guy BabyDaddy is, and the type of relationship they have. It is SO unequal, for a myriad of reasons. He's never hit her (as far as I know), but I do believe he's "that guy". He isolates her from her family and friends, and tells her when and what she is allowed to do. (A good example is her sister's bridal shower - she was "allowed" to go for an hour and then he told her she had to leave to go to WalMart with him.) We can't totally protect her from that - if she's willing to be controlled then he has the upper hand. But we can mitigate it. And we can be around to remind her that she IS loved, that she has support and a family of her own. And, for now anyway, I think we have to do that. If she moves in with his family, she could easily not be allowed to see us again and then we can do nothing to protect her. If DH requires that she spend at least SOME nights under our roof, we can do more to make sure she's safe.
My plan for the conversation tonight is actually along those lines. We're not going to "lay down the law" or give ultimatums (not to her, anyway, not now). I plan on saying, basically, this:
SD, I love you in your own right. Not just because you're your father's daughter, my stepdaughter, or my kids' sister, but because you are becoming an amazing young woman capable of incredible compassion, maturity, warmth and loyalty. You know your father loves you too. So, knowing that, do you really think we're telling you that you must live here until you're 18 because we're out to get you in some way? Or do you think it's because we truly think it's best for your future? I understand that you may not agree with what we think is best, but your father has a responsibility, an obligation, to do his very best for you. Your father is one of the most responsible people I know, so you can't honestly expect him to shirk his responsibility when it comes to you. You have four months until you turn 18 and can legally make this decision for yourself. Take this 4 months, USE it, show us that both of you really have the ability and maturity to be adults, and we will continue to help you in any way we can.
What do you think?
they need this time to try to
they need this time to try to get to really know one another
Would have been nice if they had done this BEFORE bringing a child into the world. I really hope she finishes high school.
My SD got pregnant at 17 also. She married the idiot, which is what emancipated her. She also dropped out of school. Two kids and 3 1/2 years later, idiot divorced her and she's been living at BM's for the last year.
I feel for you, that's a tough situation.
*lol* Ah, Cat, I do love
Nope, we talked to the police about that as well. Age of consent in my state is 16 - *unless* her parents feel she was "coerced". We might actually be able to make that argument given the age differential and her observed behavior in the relationship (a LOT of people have mentioned it to us), but it seems like it'd be a stretch to make it stick. And it would alienate her, since she "luuuuuuuuurves him!" (*eye roll*)
I am debating adding what we think/have heard about him to the discussion though. It will make SD defend him, but if we can take the tack of "look, it might not be true, but how can we know when we never get to spend any time with him? It's in his best interests to spend more time here so we can get to know him!" I don't know, that could backfire though since he might get more sneaky about trying to divide her from everyone if he knows people are taking notice...