Broken Hearted--Vent
He and I have been together for 5yrs. Lived together for 3. He was married young, for 6yrs. He has a 7yrold daughter a year and a half prior to their split...she left him. I have given him the last half of my twenties, as I am now 30yrsold. This is what comes to mind when I think of who I am to him, his family, the position I am in:
second best
second class
last to be considered, respected
the outsider
I am the "wannabe" parent/family member.
I do not fit, or maybe its his child/his past, that does not fit with he and I.
Its extremely awkward when he has his daughter every other weekend. I walk on eggshells in my own home. He usually controls most/all situations when she is over and watches her/is in the same room as her, most of the time. I can not joke with his daughter or play with her, for fear of him thinking its inappropriate or something he does not agree with.(he treats her like a baby) She is not a very playful kid...not around me anyway. I think its kind of sad she isn't allowed to be herself more or grow-up more, but who am I...oh that's right Nobody. The live in wh*re, if nothing more. hey that rhymed! 
when she comes over, its usually weekends all about her. I am not even told about the days in which he has her..on the days he's not supposed to. I don't even realize she is in the house sometimes (because its not his weekend) until I go to close her bedroom door and realize she is sleeping in there. So glad he respects me enough to let me know about his schedule and what his plans are (sarcasm).
a lot of the times he will take his daughter to his mothers house and be gone all day, if not all weekend. to play, go shopping, go out to eat, ride bikes, arts and crafts, swimming, watch movies, go to the movie theater, play video games, and bake cookies/cake/muffins etc. all his mother talks about is her grandkid, and pretty much ignores me when I am around her. we even all went on a small roadtrip/vacation recently, where we drove out of state, and all his mother did was talk about the different gifts she wanted to buy the grandkid and how much she missed her etc etc. then she also talked about the past about how when the child was a baby and how he had bought her so many gifts.
Its truly great being in my position isn't it? Its really fair. (again sarcasm)
My relationship is such a joke, yet its not funny at all. Having wasted 5yrs of my life with this guy.
One thing that breaks my heart though is this: there is no dreaming of the future with him, he does not ever dream of a future of marrying me or having kids with me....at least he does not ever talk/act like it. I remember with my ex bf, he would say some of the cutest things to me and he seemed so eager and excited and happpy to talk about having a baby with me. He told me he thinks I would make a great mother and that I would look so cute pregnant. Unfortunately that relationship fell apart for other reasons. But this current man, he doesn't ever make me feel special like that. I miss out on that experience, I miss ALLLLLL the firsts with this man. I get the leftover crap from a failed previous marriage from him.
Even if we did get married or have a child..........I bet I would still be second class, I bet I would be more like a single mother than anything. Why would I knowingly sign myself up for that? Its like a knife in the back when I hear him gush about how he picked his daughters name with his exwife.....he mentions to his friends sometimes when he drinks. He even sometimes comments on his exwife saying "she's a good mom".
My lady parts build an iron clad door for this man. I am thoroughly disgusted by this whole situation/relationship. I have strong feelings.........about how I would NEVER allow my future daughter/daughters to ever be in a relationship with a man with a child. Guess I had to learn the hard way. There simply is no single positive way to spin the situation. Child support and extra $$$/gifts/trips for 18yrs....to a kid thats not mine/exife? Hell to the No. The ex made out like a bandit. I make out with leftover sh*t.
***** And I just want to add.
***** And I just want to add. i REALLY miss that twinkle in that eye, of dreaming about the future together. It really breaks my heart....Walking down a baby aisle in a store with my current bf..........and he doesn't care/no reaction/nothing. When he and I talk about children he says SURE he'll have a kid with me. Special right? (like GEE THANKS) And I'm sorry, but I don't know how I would EVER feel good about having his daughter around my baby or around his mother. Call it hormones, call it nesting instinct, but NO PART of his past and his daughter FIT when I think about a future. I don't consider them, and I do not want them. End vent.
Are you leaving? If not, it
Are you leaving? If not, it sounds like you really need to.
I think that you need to sit
I think that you need to sit down and calming explain to him how you feel. Let him know that you want to be included. That you feel left out when he doesnt tell you what the plan is and that you need to know exactly what his view is on having a future with you. Tell him that you want marriage and a family. If he doesn't want the same things that you do, then you are wasting your time. You deserve to know exactly where you stand after dating him for so long. If he can't give you what your heart desires, then someone else will. You deserve to know.
It doesn't seem he is trying
It doesn't seem he is trying to make you part of his/her family. I don't understand the exclusion.
Many couples get married and
Many couples get married and start families a lot older than you.
Dump this uncaring loser and find a guy who's career is starting off well and ready to start a family. They're out there by the millions.
^^^ ditto. You've stood on
^^^ ditto. You've stood on the dock fishing this guy. It's cut bait time.
You will do fine if you leave
You will do fine if you leave him. 30 is young. Once you go on a dating site you will be bombarded by interested guys and then wonder why you ever spent one minute feeling so terrible and worthless.
I assume you've given him a chance to fix things. If you haven't, I'm not even sure it's worth taking the time now since you're not married.
His idea of raising his child is to make her believe she is the center of the universe, needing constant entertainment, center of attention hoopla. She's already damaged. Undoing that parenting style, even if he's highly motivated, will take a long time.
Your own kid with him would be at best an afterthought to him and the kid would feel it. At worst, the man will view the baby as a threat to his precious glowing angel and ramp up the attention to her to compensate. Don't let your future kid feel even worse than you do now.
Since you are not married I
Since you are not married I wouldn't even waste my time trying to fix this. You are young, cut the cord and move on. Befor you date another man with a child speak to the mother and get to know her. Find out why she believes they are no longer together. Before I get with a guy that has kids I will find out If the BM is full of drama, if their break-up is something I can live with, children are raised as I would raise my own, and I cannot be at the bottom of his list of priorities.
Google "Guilty Daddy
Google "Guilty Daddy Syndrome" and "Disney Dad Syndrome". Then start planning for a better life.
You have the right to want
You have the right to want the things in life that you WANT. Let him know that you want to have children. Ask him if he wants those things with you.
Do you want to be married? If Yes, then let him know.
BUT FIRST: Be ready to walk away if he doesn't want those things. Because if you tell him you want those things, and he doesn't want more kids, and you stay...then you're setting yourself up to resent him ('i gave up kids for this man') and he won't care because he was honest with you.
Oh yeah....one more thing....stop feeling sorry for yourself. He is not making you feel like a second class citizen....you are. You have a choice on how you react to your situation. You can either feel sorry for yourself or change it. Speak up. If you don't like being left out every other weekend, then change it. "Hey guys, lets go see Frozen this afternoon. "Hey Sally, feel like making cookies".
If you don't WANT to hang out with them...don't. Go hang out with friends, go to the gym.
You must allow him to spend his 6 days a month with his daughter without feeling guilty about it. I agree..he's probably Disney Dad. Maybe over time, it will change if you start asserting yourself. Or it might not. It is your choice to stay. Ask yourself "if this/he never changes, can I live with it?".
Remember, you deserve to live the life you want to live.
A little about me: I met a man with a daughter who had just turned 6. These two were inseparable. We had her 50/50 (actually it was more like 70/30 for us). I was the perpetual third wheel. I felt EXACTLY the way you did for 6 years . We fought all the time. ALL the time. He was my priority. She was his priority. He KNEW and understood what the problem was, but he made a decision to NOT change the way he parented. She is his LIFE. (And to be honest, if I was in his shoes, I might have made the SAME choices).
I was miserable. I was tired of walking on eggshells in my own home. I could look after her, I could buy things for her, but I couldn't tell her to brush her teeth and go to bed. I couldn't "upset" her. He was my best friend. I Loved Him. One day, a year and a half ago, I decided that I just couldn't do it anymore. Now we live in separate homes. We are legally separated. I am my priority. I will never live with them again.
He is still my best friend. He is still the man I imagine spending the rest of my life with. The difference now is that he's taking a huge risk. I'm living my life. He's taking the chance that I'll still be available when SD13 is living on her own and has her own life.
I absolutely get lonely sometimes. (...if I had to quantify it..I would say I'm lonely about 15%). But I have anxiety 0% of the time now. The lonliness I feel is vastly different than the lonliness I felt while I was married.
Long story short...figure out what kind of life you want, then make the difficult decisions now.
30 is young. I met DH when I was 37 and left him when I was 44. I missed my bio-child window. You haven't. Don't waste it if its what you want.