Hello.  

My husband and I have been together almost 7 yrs total, married for 5.5 yrs.  His daughter was almost 3 and my daughter was almost 2.  They're now 8 and 9 yrs old.  My daughter is a sweet, quiet, sensitive child who does not have a mean bone in her body and is a friend to all.  My stepdaughter is the total OPPOSITE.  And by that, I mean, bossy, arrogant, gets mad when she's not getting her way, does not take anyone else's feelings into consideration, impulsive, etc...

A little back history, when SD was 2-3 yrs old she started being trouble and it's just gradually gotten worse since.  She wasn't a very happy baby or toddler either.  She hit, bit, kicked, pitched fits, tantrums whenever, whereever and with whomever.  I do know and understand that this is very normal behavior for children this age as they just do not know how to communicate and are still learning social skills so they will lash out whatever way they can to get one's attention but there's just been something different about her.   Not only was she was an only child before we all remarried, her mother was also an only child so she was being parented by a parent who knew nothing else.  Her mother married first and her husband has 3 children from a previous marriage and now they have one child together and they had their child a year and a half after marrying.  We do not have children together.  I had 3 from my previous marriage and he had just her from his and we both agreed in the beginning that 4 is plenty.  My boys are 20 yrs and 16 yrs old so there's never any issues with SD and my boys.  It's just with my daughter.  We feel it's because they're both girls and they're only a year and 1 month apart in age and they share a room.  We have the normal every other weekend visitation with his daughter.  On the other weekends, my daughter is with her Dad while SD is with her mom.  I've been a mom now for 20+ years and I have raised my children on rules and manners since day 1.  I am also the parent who disciplines and have no problems doing so.  My husband on the other hand, does not like confrontation with anyone, the kids, INCLUDING EX-WIFE!  Truth be told, part of this is because I'm the one who pretty much oversees the kids, and all 4.  He works very hard and he is great around the house and helps with any household stuff and is very attentive to me and constantly shows his love for me and how much he cares for me as well as the kids but just will not punish.  Fortunately and unfortunately, we don't have to punish much but every other weekend...when his daughter visits.  I really hate that it's this way.  I know that a lot of her behavior is because she was the only child and now has a total of 7 siblings between both homes BUT-this has been the arrangement of both households since she was 3 and so for this reason, she really shouldn't be that affected by siblings in general.  Most children do not remember anything at the age of 3 or younger.  Since her mother was also an only child and was raised by her gparents she was never disciplined and so she doesn't discipline SD much if any.  She parents by the materialism way.  For example, when BM and husband had their child together when SD was then 4 yrs old, her way of keeping her from resenting the new baby brother was to buy her an iPod touch...YES-an ipod at 4 yrs old!!  Myself on the other hand, I believe in gifts don't get me wrong, but at Christmas and birthdays!  Not a gift such as an electronic device just because there's a new baby in the home.  In my opinion, the more appropriate way of handling this transition with a new baby is to show her love and attention along with the new baby.  To shorten the history up more in a nutshell, my husband and BM parent/discipline about the same, except my husband doesn't do the materialistic ways.  He more or less, sends her off to play and doesn't do much with her.  So-there's never any interaction much from either bio parent.  Since we've been together, I have been the one to oversee anything to do with his daughter.  I do our bills so I write the child support checks to BM, I see that she gets the things she needs, I keep him informed of any school messages concerning SD, and I do much of the communication with BM unless it has something to do with behavioral issues.  I leave that to them to hash out but at the same time, they don't DO ANYTHING! 

When she started 1st grade they decided it was time for her to see a professional when she got ISS at school for throwing things and being a bully to other kids and being very defiant.  So-they deemed her to be ADHD and yes, okay at the time because she was younger maybe she was hyperactive but the ADD part of it, not so much.  She has never shown any problems with keeping her focus or attention on something that she is supposed to be doing.  My middle child who is 16 almost 17 yrs old has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was 4 and while, every child with ADHD is different, those two are much alike.  I see a lot of what I dealt with, with him when he was her age so I felt positive that she needed to see someone wayyy before she actually did.  As a result, they started her on medication. She is on Adderrall daily and has been since then.  While it's helped a lot with her impulsiveness and bossiness, and behavior while on the medicaiton, as it starts wearing off at the end of the day or over time when she needs to go up in mg, she returns to her ways when she is without medication.  Since I've been pleading with my husband and her BM to get her some help I've noticed she more has more behavioral and social skillls issues than anything. 

FF...about 2 years ago, when my daughter knew the weekends were coming up for SD to come to the house, she would start acting nervous, cry, and want to go to her Daddy's house while she was there.  I started getting more and more worried about what might be going on between the two of them for her to get that way and I talked with my husband about it and he noticed it too.  In addition to talking about this, we started to watch them interact more closely. DH has never denied that his daughter does have major issues and neither has her mom but neither seem to not want to be bothered with looking further into her issues.  I on the other hand, AM concerned for a lot of reasons.  I worry about my daughter and her feelings and the fact that she shouldn't be scared in her own home, I worry about other children that are around her, and I worry about how my SD will turn out as a teenager or adult if this continues and nothing more is done.  Now that our girls are older they both have ipads.  I am a helicopter mom so I look at all devices and we have parental controls over everything, devices, apps, wifi, router, etc.  Our girls do not have a provider for service, they are wifi only.  One weekend after his daughter came for a weekend visit, we noticed my daughter a lot more tearful and my sitter, noticed that my daughter had bags under her eyes on that Monday and Tuesday after.  While looking through my daughters ipad videos and pictures I came across a few videos that my SD took of her and my daughter "playing" together in their room.  As we watched, we saw her knock the ipad off of a shelf for for fun, she would not let my daughter have her ipad, and they would do little dances and she'd shove my daugher away from the camera and hogged the "front stage" then the heart crushing footage of SD backing my daughter up near the corner of their room by the door to kick her repeatedly.  My daughter is not one to tattle on others and doesn't like to get anyone in trouble (including SD) and so after we saw that we called BM and sent video to her and we talked with my daughter about what happened.  Since, we decided to get cameras for the house.  Since getting the cameras we've also strongly encouraged my daughter to tell us ANY TIME something happens or any time she sees that SD is not being nice or doing things she knows is being a sweet sister.  My daughter has become less afraid since getting the cameras and SD has become less physically abusive BUT-she's very manipulative and does the evil stares if they're playing and she doesn't get her way.  Even the evil stares make my daughter feel very scared by her because she knows how she is and she's also been threatened by SD not to tattle on her.  Now-here we are, she's in 4th grade and her medication is not helping anymore even when she's on it and BM and DH will not seek further than the ADHD diagnosis.  I feel that she has ODD which is Oppositional Defiance Disorder and has been receiving medication for the wrong thing but I cannot take her myself to get a 2nd opinion.  My husband is fed up with dealing with it...I believe he suffers from the "guilty dad syndrome" where he doesn't like to get onto her because he never gets to see her, but he also doesn't like to talk with BM about issues either because he says she just doesn't do anything anyway...but the more I see that she causes a problem in our home with my daughter the more resentful I am to her and it's not her fault.  It's their fault for not stepping up and being the parents they need to be.  At the same time, I'm becoming more and more angry with my husband and it's starting to cause a lot of tension in our relationship and our marriage is great aside of the parenting differences but as you all know, that's a major deal in a marriage.  Before I go seeking professional counseling, I wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and could give me some kind of guidance or direction on the best way to handle this.  I'm so sick of talking to my husband about being more involved and that's very sad to even have to say.  Please help if you can, thank you in advance.