Thanks for your response! I would rather have her 24/7 365 and her have supervised visits with her BM. I don't say that to be like "oh I'm a better mom than her" not at all. However, DH and I are mentally, physically, financially stable. We have rules, structure and guidelines the children are held to in our home. We do not drink then drive w SD or my BP in the car, we do not introduce them to situations in which others are belligerent intoxicated, we don't curse in our home.. stupid is a bad word. We have lived in the same home for years and years. BM on the other hand lived in 6 different places in less than a year! SD10 went to 3 different schools in 2 years, had over 18 tardies this previous school year and over 10 unexcused absent days from school with no contact with BM at all..
So in all, I'd prefer for her to be with is consistently.. it's the going back to toxic environment after all the work I've put in during the summer extended time and within one day every change for the better SD has done gets ruined in one day with BM. She begins the lying and backstabbing and ridiculous behavior... the sneaky comes back. That's where my issue lies.
I guess I should have explained a little more

Yup been there. It got so bad last summer when I was working... I would drop SD off @ daycare, get to work and then receive a phone call from the daycare stating that BM knew SD was not allowed back @ daycare until balance was caught up & that daycare had tried numerous times to contact BM that morning & decided to contact me because SD could NOT stay until balance was paid. DH was out of town working, I would attempt to contact BM on my own to let her know.. I would call BM work from my work and as soon as I told her it was me, she would hang up then proceed not to answer any calls after that! Therefore I was left to continuously call in to work, leave work early, or leave shortly after showing up. Needless to say it didn't only disrupt my day but also the day of my coworkers that depended on me! Then BM would tell me she pd it and caught it up and all was well and that the daycare had already talked to her, or rather she had talked to them, and they knew her "situation" and understood... but then 2 weeks would go by and then another call from the daycare saying they knew BM was responsible for paying however she hadn't in over a month (so her previous statement of I talked to them and pd, wasn't truthful) and they never spoke with her period and that bc they knew BM was 'off' in her mind and full of crap & that I had to work also they never let me know that SD was not supposed to be there for the 2 weeks plus I'd been taking her after the 1st incident!!! So there I was again having to leave work.. then BM was sent to collections for not paying the entire summer for SD even tho BM told me she pd. Then I began thinking wtf is going to happen next summer (this summer were in now) if fees aren't paid!! Where is SD going to go? So daycare owner adjusts price for me and I paid 20$ every other week until 300 and something dollars was paid.. do you know how long that took? The actual balance w/ late fees and month supply fees and swimming fees for the summer.. nearly $1,000. And what is BM doing this summer? Letting SD10 decide what she wants to do and where she wants to go and expecting everyone (aka ME) to be available since I am not currently working. However I don't agree with letting children make decisions that impact and mess up everyone else's schedules and plans. However her BM thinks it's perfectly fine. Whelp, not at my house!!

Oh yes, and the finances that she can't afford... she receives a total of 2,700/month in child support from 2 different men (she has 2 children one w my husband and one w someone else) she makes at LEAST 25 to 30k per year w her salary and then 32,400 in non taxed child support... add the two together... she's a single mother of 2 kids bringing in 50 to 60k a year w a 700 and something dollar rent payment, her cell phone gets turned off constantly, her vehicle has been repo'd, we use to purchase all school clothes and supplies for SD, yes BM still doesn't have money?!? Hmmmm where's the $ going?

How did you get to the point of simply doing the 1, 3, 5 weekends regardless... I would really like that especially with my DH's work schedule. there are times where he isn't even home at all during her time here. Which has NEVER been a problem for me. even though I have complained, I do love SD dearly and I know that her heart is good... it is just the intentional poison that her mother puts in her head. I also know that no matter what bad her mom does to her and even when she realizes it there is always going to be a love there that no matter what can't be replaced.. but I also need time too. and I realize also that having kids means that you somewhat are willing to give up some of your you time. but it would be nice to be able to get all the things done that I need to get done without having to listen to the huffs and puffs of boredom and the complaints and constant asking of the same question over and over again resulting in me wanting to poke my eyes out... im getting off subject..
how do i say in a nice way to my DH "SD cant come here unless you are here.. and I don't mean you work all day and get home at 2am and then we are up and out of the house by 730am and she doesn't see you or spend any time with you. and I am not a babysitter (bc I think babysitter sounds awfully rude.. like negative) that is at BM and SD beck and call. and would prefer she only come when you are home" but that isn't really the way that I want it... bc I do love her. it is just sooo much bc she thinks that behavior that is acceptable at BMs house is acceptable here bc SD thinks that BM makes all the rules no matter where she is or who she is with. and that clearly is not the case.. idk.. I am rambling again!!