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Newbie. Left 14 year marriage due to step-ping

MissSally's picture

Hi, I'm new here. I married my ex-husband in March 1993. He had a 5yr old son, I had a 6yr old daughter, and we had a newborn together. My daughter had no problem with her new step family situation..embraced it. The 5yr like me until he realized i was dating his father. By the time i realized how much he hated me, we were already pregnant and planning a wedding. For years I have stood by while his son came to our home every weekend, telling me i'm not the boss of him, treating my daughter and his new half brother like shit (even tripping him when he was learning to walk, thinking no one was watching). His mother cheated on his dad and left him for another man. and even up until the day I finally couldn't take it anymore, he was still hoping his parents would be together (he was 19 at the time). Over those 14 years, i'd try to find help on my own to deal with the situation, but all i had was Jenny Jones screaming at me on the tv, insinuating that i was horrible. So, ultimately, my way of dealing every weekend was hiding and avoiding this mean kid. lived with stomach aches the whole time. i left the marriage March 2008. Divorce was final April 2009. My heart is so broken because i love his dad so much, and his dad loves me, but i just can't take how mean his son is to me. one would think that his dad could talk to him about it, but after the second year, i quit "reporting" his behaviors to his father because his father thought that his son was "sensitive" and after some twisted convo with his son, it all would turn out to be my fault somehow. well, i come here today, asking advice. his father and i want to get back together. is it even possible? both our hearts hurt so bad because we love eachother so much. but is love enough? his son is now 21 and a senior at UNL in mechanical engineering...and i'm pretty sure, still hates me.

startingover2010's picture

well, at least his son is legal and doesnt have to live with you guys. i would give it another shot, but leave his son out of it. he doesnt have to know, and even if he finds out, he doesnt have to be a part of it. just tell his father you would like to give it another shot but you dont want to have anything to do with his son and you want his son to stay away from your kids.

buttercup123's picture

I wouldn't unless you get a sworn oath from your ex that he gets that his son was the reason for your breakup and that what he did was unnaceptable and will never be tolerated again. Otherwise it will be the same crap as before. Where will the kid be for 4 months every summer?

MissSally's picture

i don't know where he'll be this summer. last summer he was interning in lincoln. otherwise, in all the past years, he was with us from 6 weeks to the entire summer. i suppose there is one question that I'd like an honest answer to from my stepson prior to getting back together with his dsd:

What is most important to you: Your dad's happiness, or your past need to get rid of me?

and then, i suppose, wing it from there.

Janey1970's picture

I would be very wary of getting involved again. I think you may be setting yourself up for more heartache.

What would you tell your own child if they were in your shoes? Would you want this for them?

I have a theory. Ex's are Ex's for a reason. Has he given you reason to believe that he has changed the way he deals with his son to any great extent? Please be carefull.