My partners relationship with my son(s) is not good and i feel so resentful towards him.......please help!
I have two son's from a previous relationship as does my partner. I have a good relationship with my partners 19 year old son and a close and loving relationship with his youngest whom is now 7. my partner has no relationship with my eldest son whom is 11 and subsequently now lives with his father as they admittedly hate each other and my youngest whom is 9 has barely any relationship with my partner, all be it the occasional 'hello'...'goodnight'...My partner is , however a wonderful and extremely dedicated and devoted father to his children. We have a daughter together and they adore each other. He has accepted he needs to be better with my son and has promised to try but has also said it will never be what i have with his youngest son and refuses to be called 'stepfather'. Am i asking for the impossible?!?
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Has he said why he's having a
Has he said why he's having a difficult time with your children? Could it be that you don't agree about rules/discipline/manners/etc? Or is it possible that the boys' father has working towards alienating him? Are your children jealous of him and his childrens' relationships with you? Any ideas here to give us a start?
My son's father definitely
My son's father definitely played a big part in the alienation between my eldest son and my partner, so much so that after 4 years he went to live with his father. My youngest son however has never had the same attitude towards my partner, there's no jealousy or resentment. Granted, my boys are very different in personality one being 'hardwork' and my youngest not so but i just feel every effort, every kiss and cuddle i have given to my partners children is for what....my own childs misery?!? I can't do enough for his children and dare i ever speak wrongly of them, which i don't but it feels sometimes like my son is a second class citizen in his own home and it's not fair!
Don't push it. In the long
Don't push it. In the long run, it is best for everyone that they are not SO close. The less he cares, the less drama and resentment and hurting there will be in the future.
As for the word "stepfather", I'm totally with him. "Stepmother" and "stepfather" are terrible words always associated with evilness. We have in our family also decided not to call me "stepmother." I am [my name] or can be referred to as "my dad's wife", which sounds cold and really silly, but all the drama we have, is enough. Don't need to be evil by default, I have been made the big-bad-witch of the story in every case, no matter what I do. And the more the kids hear the word "stepmom", the more they hate me and the more they compare me to their mother(s). It is just better to forget about it and use one's name.
If you're seeing and feeling
If you're seeing and feeling him being treated like a second class citizen, imagine what he must feel like.I think you really need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner and if necesaary, try counseling. Your son depends on you to protect him. Best to address the elephant in the room.
I accept the points regarding
I accept the points regarding the term "stepfather"....I feel maybe i am more aware of the lack of equality, sometimes within our home and the poor nature of my partners relationship with my son, more so than my son. My son is very accepting and as i separated from his bf when he was only 3 he doesn't know any different! My partner has promised to make an effort for things to be better but admits he has never been very good with children that are not his own. He admits to feeling very uncomfortable and compromised living with someone else's children but in the same breath can't bare the thought of living without our daughter full time so realises things have to be better.He also accepts that his youngest son would suffer severely if i wasn't in his life. The politics in our house are exhausting at times, i just wish for them to have some kind of a bond.My partner also admits that if i was the way his is with his children our relationship would be over. How can he say this and be the way he is with my son??!
Is there a jealousy issue
Is there a jealousy issue that your partner feels for your son's? Has sounds like he doesn't even want to try which is a problem. Maybe he could take them out without you there? Some bonding time
That would never happen with
That would never happen with my eldest son, they admittedly hate each other but with my youngest maybe.....that is a lovely thought. Sometimes i wonder whether it's just a male thing?? I find it so easy to mother and love his boys, comes very natural to me.