Need opinions... This is PETTY, but who thinks BLACK is a LIGHT color?

Now before I get started I want to say whoever likes or loves the color Black, that is great and I am all for an individual liking or loving their favorite colors etc... However, my preference is not Black. But BM told SD her favorite color is black. She dies her hair black, paints nails black, wears black, etc.... On top of being a basket full of up and down emotions I would think black would depress her a little more than she already is. Anyway, SD started coloring everything black and wanting to wear all dark clothes, keep in mind the child is 4. So, when at our house we explain to SD that she can like whatever color she wants and that Black is just a dark color. We never said anything ugly about BM liking black but tried to express to SD that she didn't have to like it just because BM does. Now, SD goes home and tells BM we said black is a dark color and that she (SD) can like whatever color she wants. SD's favorite color is pink on the normal day. So, BM gets mad and makes comments to SD and tells her we are wrong and blah blah blah. My thoughts are that a child should be able to express themselves and not be pushed into liking one color or another or whatever other situation should arise, within reason. That's how children are molded and learn is to be able to experience things and not be pushed into certain things. Anyway, this past weekend SD brings up again that BM told her that Black is a light color and is not a dark color. DH says SD what color are flowers outside and she starts naming bright colors. He said have you ever seen a black flower and she thinks for a second and says no. He says ok are flowers pretty and bright colors? SD response yes they are. I said bright pretty colors are also happy colors. SD response yes they are and black is a dark sad color. SD then says my mommy must be sad. We didn't agree or disagree on that comment we just told her that she needs to like whatever color she wants and if it is a bright color then she can like it. Again, I don't want to offend anyone with the color issue because like I said if black is your favorite color that is your choice.
Now, my whole question... I know how mean kids can be to one another even on the smallest most petty things. When SD goes to public school, which is soon, and tells another child that her BM's favorite color is Black and that Black is a light color do you think she will be made fun of or will the kids look at her like she is crazy. I am just hoping we have more influence on her than BM in MOST areas. Again, instead of BM telling SD she can like pink if she wants, her maturity level shined through once again making stupid comments about us and trying to make us look like idiots to SD. We never put BM down to SD and do not say anything ugly, and believe me sometimes my tongue is raw having to bite it so much with comments that SD tells us that BM has said, etc. When will BM grow up??? Please please please tell me!!

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BM will NEVER EVER EVER

BM will NEVER EVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER grow up...so the best way to deal with it is to ignore it.

If You say up, BM will say down. If you say left, she'll say right. Sounds like she thrives on proving herself right to make herself appear "perfect" in SD's eyes.

Eventually, SD will figure it out that, NO, mommy is NOT always right. Once she gets into school she will be MORE Than happy to correct Mommy (And daddy and you and anyone else who does not follow 'rules!')

An example: my SS6 is a great reader...DH was walking into Walmart Supercenter through the "EXIT" side of the 2 doors. SS, being 6 years old, seeing everything in black and white with NO gray, because his mind can't process that yet--it comes with age and maturity--corrects DH about walking IN the EXIT door. DH backed up, and walked through the "ENTER" door.

Now that's completely normal...again, it's an issue of seeing things in black and white without ANY shades of gray. I went through this with my 2 daughters...in fact, their dad and I used to say under our breath, "Let me correct you." as a way to deal with them ALWAYS correcting us, because of the fact they don't have the ability to see 'gray', ONLY black and white!

So, to sum it up, your sweet SD, will start to point this stuff out to mommy. If Mommy says Black is a light colour and SD reports this to you, just say, "Oh, okay...what do YOU think?" This way she learns to express her own opinion.

Hope that helps...and I wouldn't worry about what the other kids think of what your SD says when she's in school--becauase guess what--THEY will be correcting her if SHE is wrong. Nature of being that age!!

Do you have any part of your tongue left from biting it all the time?!

~*~A Good Mommy will let the kids lick the beaters. A GREAT Mommy will turn the mixer off first!~*~

My tongue has time to heal

My tongue has time to heal in between visits, so it is partially there. LOL!
You have a great point and I do hope that SD can see through things that BM does and says. I would be glad for her to correct me and DH about things if she can see the light, which I am pretty sure she will being SD is a very bright child. SD is very curious about everything and always asks A LOT of questions.

Just remember to turn it

Just remember to turn it around and ask SD what SHE thinks, first. I did this all the time with my 2 daughters, who didn't like it, but it does give them the ability to think for themselves instead of being fed the answers all the time.

My SS6 has had the answers fed to him by his BM (and being that she's dumber than a box of rocks, it makes me wonder sometimes how much SS is absorbing!)

An example is when Ched comes over to visit and I give him something, he'll ask, "Why did you buy that for me?" I won't answer him, I'll ask, "Well, why do you think I bought it for you?"

Naturally because he's been fed the answers, he says, "I don't know." I reply, "Well, think about it...why would someone buy something for someone else?" He'll think and lately he actually comes up with some interesting answers!

Here's another example how children start seeing how their parents really are. My nephew, when he was 6 y.o. was dropped off by his mother at my brother's house (they were divorced)... my mom was visiting & overheard my nephew (her 6 year old grandson!) mention to his SM & his BF, "I need to get after my mommy so she'll stop lying to me."

This is a SIX year old child, who recognized that his mother was lying about certain things to him. My mom was just floored that he could see through his mom's lying at that age.

Small children's brains are like sponges. They soak up SO much more than we really think they do. Now if the BM's would realize that, they'd hold their tongue MORE often than not!

Hey, a Stepparent can only dream, eh?!

~*~A Good Mommy will let the kids lick the beaters. A GREAT Mommy will turn the mixer off first!~*~

Its actually natural for a

Its actually natural for a female child to emulate their mother. I think as a biomom I would have a problem with someone purposely undermining my relationship with my daughter. The child is only four. She is developing her reasoning skills. She will decide what she does and does not like all on her own. She will interact with other children and even do and say some of the things that they do and say. There truly is nothing wrong with that. Right now her mom is her world. That is usually the case when children are young. I haven't really seen anything in your blogs to suggest this woman is a bad mother. Perhaps I missed something or you have more to share, but at this point all I see that mom likes black, and she doesn't want the child's name changed. She did give dad the opportunity in the beginning and he opted out. I do think that changing her name at this stage of her life would confuse her. Her identity is just forming. I don't think there is anything bitchy about that. People just have different parenting styles. Just because we don't agree with someone else's style does not make them a bad parent.

My SD does not have the

My SD does not have the relationship with BM to emulate her. I do have things about BM that are bad, but do I want to spread them all out here? No, I don't have the time for one but for two I am not here to throw her under the bus, only to get opinions on situations that arise.
Let me give you a quick example though since you think I am being anal I guess....
When your child drinks from a sippy cup do you:
a. leave the rubber stopper in the lid when washing it or
b. remove the rubber stopper from the lid when washing so that it does not get mold in it?

HMMMM.... Common sense will tell you when mold start growing throw the lid out or maybe you should take it out when washing the lid so that mold does not start to grow so that SD does not get sick when drinking from it. That was told to BM SEVERAL times and still guess what??????????????????? Sippy cups with moldy lids that SD was drinking out of!

There are many more situations like this, but that is just one that is along the lines of STUPIDITY if you ask me! But hey, not all of us can have a BM who is great right. I guess if we did then NONE of us would be on this site.

I don't believe clothing

I don't believe clothing advice is off limits for a stepparent and I don't believe discipline is off limits for a stepparent in enforcing house rules that she/he and their spouse set up for their own home. I do not believe a stepparent should ever hit a child that isn't theirs and I don't believe that their parenting style should usurp the parenting styles of the actual parents. This was not clothing advice.

What I found offensive was this stepparent trying to infer that her mother must be sad if she likes dark colors. This child is only 4 and at a very impressionable age.

I am one of those people who

I am one of those people who paint their nails black... :/ Black matches with all my outfits, and it saves me from painting my nails that are color coordinated with my clothes. Yes. I was one of those people... when I DID have time to paint my nails every day. Now I don't. So I just default to black.

Anyway. I agree with Totalybogus. I was one of those kids who wanted to wear mommy's high heels and lipstick and dress and look and act like mommy. It's natural. When she gets older she will start to find herself and mold into her own style and individuality. Just because she's copying her mother now will not mean she'll be that way as a teenager.

Also, you pointed out that you are worried about SD being teased and made fun of at school. This too is natural. Kids are so mean that they will find the tiniest thing to use against someone. You can't keep this from happening no matter what. I was considered the "nerd" from elementary school to high school. I had a small circle of friends because I'm not a social person. This too was used against me. People accused me of being stuck up. They said that I thought I was too good to talk to people, which was the complete opposite. I just don't talk to people because I'd rather read a biology book. Even if I was the popular girl in school, I'd probably still be talked about behind my back by others. "Oh, she's such an airhead." "She's a slut. She slept with the whole entire football AND basketball team." See? No matter what you try to do... kids will be made fun of and talked about behind their backs. It's a growing experience. All you can do is teach the child that she should be comfortable in her own skin and not change just because kids poke fun at her. My parents never gave me this support because all they cared about was me being in the top 5% of my class. I had to learn on my own... so what if I'm a nerd? I'm a nerd and damn proud of it, and if people want to make fun of me for it, so be it.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Kids will be kids. We all

Kids will be kids. We all know this. Yes, they are bound to, at some point in their lives, make fun and get made fun of. BUT, if you can stop and correct the situation now and teach your BC and SC to care about what they look like and what others think of them, you can eliminate some if not all of this torment children face now a days.

Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with explaining to your SD that black is not a light color. If you don’t, someone else will and it will probably be her teachers at school or her peers.

“Just because we don't agree with someone else's style does not make them a bad parent.” - totalybogus

It may not make them a bad parent, but there are people out there that just don’t have any clue what they are talking about. A second opinion never hurt anyone.

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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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Only if that opinion is

Only if that opinion is solicited, otherwise it is intrusive.

We are talking about

We are talking about children here...they need more than one opinion, then they can make their own decision.

I was talking about opinions

I was talking about opinions given to mom not the child. If the opinions are just that, opinions, I have no problem with that. But in my opinion, that is not the case here.

So you're saying that a stepparent should tell a child something that would make that child concerned that maybe her mother might be depressed or stated alternatively to directly contradict her mother?

I do agree that children will learn from a variety of different sources but the above didn't seem like an opinion to me and no way near as wholesome as it is portrayed.

I am both a biomom and a stepmom. I wouldn't appreciate my children's stepmother directly contradicting me or making it appear as though I'm a psycho because of whatever my favorite color is. I also would be pretty upset and very vocal about a stepmom making my child feel like there is something wrong with them because they want to be like me. I am their authority figure. As a stepmom I would never insert my parenting style into my stepchildren's lives. They have parents and their parents decide how to raise them.

And I was talking about the

And I was talking about the child. The question was: Do you think the child will be made fun of because the BM is teaching her child that black is a light color? OMG, after typing that I just realized what a petty argument it actually is. Anyway, what I was saying was that kids will make fun - no matter what, BUT if you know that what the BM mom is teaching SD is wrong, why not correct it? Is it not obvious that black is a dark color? She is wrong. If BF and SM don't tell her someone else will.

I am also a BM and I wouldn't appreciate my child's SM contradicting me either, but I also have enough sense to teach my child colors!

Thank you!!!!!

I have not bashed the BM on

I have not bashed the BM on here because I do try not to do that, but if you want to know she is very emotional. One second smiling then within the next 3 seconds she is frowning or has something more along the depressing lines to say. So, being my DH and I know BM's personality, whichever one that might be that day, we do try to guide SD on the road that we hope will help her and not hurt her. I don't want her being made fun of at school because of her BM. I know black nails are the "in" thing and I have no problem with that, do I paint mine black, no, but every person for themselves. But, if the depressed personality comes along with the black nails, black clothing, black hair, come on.... What would your conclusion really be? She is truly not a happy person and no one ever told SD that Black was a sad color. We simply explained that bright colors are happy colors. Bright colors are in the rainbow. We have addressed BM also. She gets in her mode and puts a guilt trip on my SD after we do. When SD has hair falling out and is clearly whining alot and stressed we do step in, but does BM listen? No! She takes offense to it. So I am sorry you took offense to me saying that bright colors are happy colors, but when you are dealing with a certain personality certain things go right along with it.
You are entitled to your opinion and I appreciate that, but I don't want SD running around thinking that black is a bright color when it's not and whatever we can do to help her have a healthy personality and not be on an emotional rollercoaster we will. That is what is wrong with some kids today, they get stuck with parents who have ridiculous outlooks and really don't have anyone trying to guide them or tell them it is ok to be different from your parents. They feel sorry for the parent and do exactly what the parent is doing or has done being they know no different.
You are right though, everyone does have different parenting skills, people are not perfect.

My reaction was not that you

My reaction was not that you told her that black was not a light color. Obviously it is not and I don't have a problem with guidance on colors. What I had a problem with was coaxing or leading the child so that she thought there was something wrong with her mother. Whether there is or not is not something that should be discussed with the child or even intimated. She is only 4. Besides your opinion is subjective as clearly you have a different parenting style.

What you might think is a "ridiculous outlook" in someone else's opinion may not be. My point is while you are the stepparent and you are an influence on your stepdaugther's life, you still do not get to decide how the child is raised and what the right type of parenting is. She is not yours.

I agree with your assertions regarding the goth look. I never let my kids wear the black nail polish and I never let them get tatoos or crazy piercings. BUT, that is my parenting style. If my husband's x wanted to let her teenaged daughters do that to themselves and my husband was on board, then that is their parenting style. I would discuss what I thought with my husband, but ultimately it is their choice. I really don't have a vested interest in them as I do my own.

Please do not take offense. I am merely expressing a different opinion of your situation from both sides of the fence.