Dealing with step daughters
So glad to have found this site! My husband and I recently married this summer, together 2.5 yrs. He has two girls, 10 & 12. I have two kids, boy, 6 and girl 10. From the very beginning of our relationship their BM has said horrible things about me, like you don't see daddy as much because of her, or daddy can't come because of her. That has been the foundation of where we are at now. I spent the first year and half feeling like I had to be overly nice and wanting them to like me, but now I find myself not caring if they like me or not. When they are at our house, there is constant fighting and yelling. His kids have no tolerance for my 6 yr old son. I have never yelled at them or anything, but snapped in his defense a few weeks ago, and now I am the mean step mother. I find it hard to parent and keep a routine with my kids when they are around. They have no boundaries, they are spoiled, they leave things laying around all the time. I know this is breaking my husbands heart but I can't seem to force myself to not only love his kids, but like them. He is on the same page as me, but I know that he parents out of guilt of not seeing them as much as he would like to, and they make that clear to him that he doesn't see them enough. He tries, he really does, and I feel the support from him, but he caves in. They also seem to have a hard time seeing him and I steel a "moment", or, we will be on the couch and they will come over and lay all over him, daddy can you rub my back, daddy cuddle me. They also ask to be carried to bed, and he does it! He just messaged me to tell me that their BM needs him to take them for a few extra weekends (that we otherwise wouldn't have the kids) over the next two months and I wanted to cry! I am actually trying to plan things to do on my own so I don't have to spend time with them.
Advice? Help!
It's a tough position to be
It's a tough position to be in. I'm a SM of a 16 SD and a 12 SS. I get along fine with the SS but the SD hates me terribly. It's the same with BM talking badly about me from the beginning. I would do your best to keep busy, stay out of the way, when you can, so that SDs and BD have their time. If you allow them time alone, mabye you'll get the same. If nothing else, you don't have to deal with SDs and all the crap that comes along with it.
I dissengaged about 6 monhts ago, and it's helped my relationship with DH a lot. I also have the ammunition I need to ask for My time with him. As long as your DH understands what your'e doing and why, it should work.
I have to say, it's been a total relief to be able to say, with conviction, "these are not my kids, I am not responsible for them now, and I'm not responsible for the people they will grow to be." If you truly believe this, it puts you in a totally different state of mind when they're around.
Thank you. I think your are
Thank you. I think your are right about disengaging. I think I was putting too much pressure on myself to try to prove the BM wrong and to get them to change their views, but it simply is not worth the energy.
I really really really
I really really really understand where your coming from on this....my SS7's bm has been like that exactly...Daddy doesn't love you anymore he has a new family to replace us....She stole daddy from us it's her fault Daddy's gone (whatever...1 year after they separated) the one day my SS came in my home and first thing he said was My mom said she would like to flush you down the toilet because she hates you....she will keep him up super late the night before we have him so he's extra cranky/tired...but it's turned this little boy into a mean, bully, lying kid who manipulates anyone...I cringe when I know he's coming over...sick feeling in my stomach when Dh pulls in the driveway with him...we had him this past long weekend...3 days of pure hell....I hate it...I turn into a miserable bitch...I try really hard to hide it for my kids...but I honestly can't stand him...I feel bad...I really do..I know DH wants us to be this nice happy family...he knows I have a hard time with his son and his behavior and absolute filthy habits...use a Kleenex not my walls...wash the poo off your hands...you know...simple things. lol. I told SO I didn't think I would marry him more for the fact the idea of a wedding and SS there to ruin it and his family there reporting back to his ex wife is too much....we would have to elope...however I want my kids there which I know is selfish.
Can you try to make plans to get you out of the house? or make plans for them to go do something to get them out of the house? How about a sleepover at Grandmas?
Ugh...that's tough. It's
Ugh...that's tough. It's crazy how much of an impact these wicked BM's can have on the kids. I know what you mean about the 3 day weekend. Same here. It's crazy how so many people also cringe and feel sick to their stomach and turn into a total bitch. I seriously thought I had something wrong with me and that nobody would understand. I hate it. When it is just my husband and me, or even just us and my kids, everything is fine and normal to me. But the second they drive up the driveway, I want to run.
This is exactly how I've been
This is exactly how I've been feeling for YEARS! When it's just my DH and I, everything is near perfect but as soon as SD5 arrives, everything changes. DH pretty much places me on the backburner as soon as she gets back from BMs and doesn't take me off until she leaves. I even told DH once that just because you're a part time daddy doesn't mean you get to be a part time husband! }:)
As far as BM, DH and I have been together 4 years (married 1.5) and she has not let up yet. She is constantly telling SD and anyone else who will listen bad things about me (including how DH would take her more if it wasn't for me, and DH puts me before his child, etc). Funny because DH actually has SD 5 out of 7 days a week but somehow BM still finds a reason to bitch. She is relentless. She has flat out told him she is going to ruin his marriage and his life (she isn't winning.. but she sure as hell has made it her mission in life to try).
It's very tiring living this way so I definitely understand the frustration, anger, and resentment! There are MANY days that I have wanted to run and never look back.
Have you and your DH tried counseling?