I feel almost as if...
I shouldn't even blog about this because really, my BM issues are not nearly as horrid as the others I have read on here. But all the same, it helps me to have a place to vent, so here goes it.
My FH and I usually have my FSD two days during the week, and from Saturday afternoon till Sunday evening. Sometimes more, rarely less. The BM decides she wants to keep my FSD all weekend this past weekend - to spend some QT with her. My FH and I both knew that would change, so of course we didn't make any plans (we never do). Sure enough, Friday night when she calls, she asks my FH to keep my FSD Saturday night (of course we do) but she says she has a party she wants to take her to on Sunday, and could she have her back around 1:30 PM Sunday afternoon. Sunday rolls around, it's 1PM and we've not heard from her. My FH calls her cell, no answer. This is typical. But she does call back about 20 minutes later, and it is decided she will send her BF to meet my FH to pick up my FSD.
This sort of thing is very typcial. We always know that when she says she wants to keep my FSD for an entire weekend, it never comes to pass. We know better than to make "adult-only" plans. And we also know that if she says she wants my FSD back by a certain time on a Sunday, that time will always come and go before she ever picks up the phone. The weekend before last, the FH called her to see if he could drop my FSD off to her a bit early because it was game day, and he had food he wanted to grill, and didn't want to have to leave in the middle of grilling to meet the BM. She agreed to pick meet up early but then called back not even five minutes later and said she wanted to go watch the game with her BF at a bar/grill, and she didn't want to take my FSD with her because she would be bored. So, instead of standing his ground (he RARELY asks to drop off FSD early) he simply says ok, and my FSD spends the next 5 hours with us till she is finally picked up by her mom.
In this ass-backwards state we live in, the mother is always given primary custody, unless she is a crack whore, so despite the fact that my FH is an amazing, dedicated Dad, he gets no real say in when, and how visitation is worked out. So before school began for my FSD, the BM decides she only wants my FSD to stay with us one night during the week, and one night per weekend (never mind the fact that she is only hurting her daughter by cutting back the time she gets to spend with her dad. Why she decided this, I don't know. Every once in a while she gets a wild hair up her ass and decides she needs to be a more attentive mother, and by that, she means she should exhibit more 'stability' with my FSD, which for some reason in her mind means more time with her, and less time with us. Anyway, so she springs this new visitation arrangment on my FH, and when he tells me about it, we both just roll our eyes at it. That very first week, we were suppose to have my FSD on Wednesday, and Sunday. It ended up with us having her Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday - she went back to her mom's late Sunday afternoon. It's not like I don't know what to expect by now, but it is still annoying.
But like I said, I guess I should count my blessings. The BM is capable of being much worse, and right now she is being rather reasonable. I don't let the little things like this get to me that much; and I keep my mouth shut about it for the most part, but it is nice to be able to come here and at least vocalize (type) it to a random group of folks that I know will understand.
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Vickmeister, we live in a
Vickmeister, we live in a Southern state where the cards are always handed to the mother. My FH is granted visitation in the divorce decree, but it is at the BM's discretion. I have twice brought up the idea of talking to a lawyer about changing this with my FH (in fact, there is a law office here that represents men ONLY when it comes to divorce/custody - because apparently this is all too often the case where Dads get the sh*t end of the stick when it comes to custody). However, when I brought it up, it ended up with us in an arguement. First issue is money - we don't have the money needed to even talk to an lawyer. Second is that because BM currently has all the control, we fear that once she gets wind of my FH wanting to establish a more fair custody arrangement, she will make life hell for us and prevent us from seeing my FSD, which in the end, will only hurt the child more than anyone. FSD adores her dad.
And it may be that it is something we will look to do in the future, but right now we have to pick and choose our battles. My FH and I have already had it out regarding the BM changing her mind about visitation at the drop of a hat, and him always agreeing to what she wants - and it has gotten better.
For instance there was a Friday night about a month ago when the BM was at dinner with co-workers and decided she didn't want to leave..would rather stay for happy hour, so she starts calling my FH to ask him to pick up my FSD from daycare. Even though me and my FH work in the same town as the daycare, we live in a town that is 40 miles out. My FH had already left work and was 10 minutes from home when she started calling. He had a feeling something was up, so he let the call go straigh to VM. He checks the message and hears that there is no emergency, his daughter is fine, it is just that the BM wants to party rather than pick her daughter up from daycare and keep her that night. Now in my opinion, he should have called her right back and told her that no, he was already at home, and as much as he loves having his daughter, he wasn't going to drive 80 miles round trip back into town (which would have made him late picking her up anyway, causing an additional fee that HE would have had to pay)just so the BM can stay out drinking. Well, when she doesn't get my FH to answer the phone, she starts calling ME. I was in town, but I was at a friend's house visiting, and I wasn't going to break my plans for her either. I called him and told him he needed to call her back ASAP because I wasn't going to deal with my her blowing up my phone as well. And he did. So it was still a pain in the ass situation, but believe me, if it had been 4 months ago, he would have just sucked it up, drove the 80 miles round trip back into town, and the BM would have had her fun drinking that night, (it amazes me that as smart as this woman is, she is completely DUMB when it comes to realizing how BAD this behavior looks on her part).
So although last weekend did annoy me with her agreeing to let us drop off our FSD and then changing her mind five minutes later, I decided it wasn't a battle I wanted to choose. The drop off arrangement was made that morning - if it had been made days before then I would have had to speak up about it. But it wasn't. And my FSD really does love being at our house. She has friends to play with, and she's happy when she's with us. We had no other plans ourselves other than my FH being obsessed with his grilling. And it's the same thing with the weekends when she claims she wants to keep FSD all weekend. We know, without a doubt, that she won't actually keep her all weekend, so we plan accordingly. And if something ever did come up where we wanted to have "adult-time" then we would bring it up with her well in advance and stick to our guns. But we're so broke these days, that rarely happens anyway.
Well, I'm rambling now..sorry about that. Thanks for listening!
Maybe find
a Pro Bono lawyer and scout it out before letting the BM know anything. It might be good to get a lawyer's opinion of your chances for a fair custody arrangement and ask his/her opinion about the BM getting revenge/using retribution against you. If you keep it on the lowdown (and don't live in an insanely gossipy small town) you should be able to see a lawyer without BM finding out about it. Good luck!
"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32
make her stick to her choices
there is nothing worse than feeling like the BM puppet. She unfortunately always pulls the strings and our husbands are just happy to see their kids whether she changes her mind about it or not. I feel your frustration.
BM dragged my hubby through court and had all her dates and times that he was "allowed" to see his kids all set in concrete, but guess what.... these times and dates dont always suit her and is happy to palm the kids off to us if she is busy. I have tried to tell my hubby that he needs to stick to her rules, she made them so she can deal with them, but being men they are will just be at the BM beck and call because they see their kids.
I have had this argument with my hubby thousands of times because the BM continually gets her way and still gets child support when we have the kids.
Try telling your hubby to start saying No to her, her schedule does not always suit you. She will get the message in the end, she may however say that you are not getting SD ever again but soon she will get sick of having her and you will see her all the time at your approved times.