This is going to be VERY long, but all needs to be said in order to get help! Here goes.....
BACKGROUND::::::
I have a SD who is 10yrs old and I have been in her life since she turned two. Her father and I married 5 yrs ago and has been rocky ever since. Mostly because of the differences in how things should be delt with. My husband was never married to SD BM, but has joint custody. Bm never married but dating a guy on and off. I have a son who is now 7 from a previous relationship (was never married to sons BD). We have no children together (and will explain more about that later).
Since day one BM would make comments to me re: their relationship "when they were together". Even to the extent I now know (not willingly) where they have had sex and other graphic details.
I met my now husband through my sisters husband. They played softball together. One game that I went to watch, he actually asked if I could keep an eye on his daughter (2yrs old) while he played. I agreed! His ex showed up (never met her before that point) and sat down with her right in front of me and pretended i wasn't there. Then made the comment to SD that she was so dirty from playing in the dirt and that her and her dad would have to take her back to his house and give her a bath together. At that point I got up and left, thinking they were back together. He called and explained that they aren't together and that she just didn't want him with anyone. (she was the one who cheated and left him). Ever since then she has been putting little nails in the coffin.
My husband has never had his dtr for any Xmas eves or a.m.'s. Not to mention Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween etc... On Xmas and Thanksgiving we are only allowed to get her after 12pm. And WE have to drive the 30min dr there and back. There is a blowout fight every year. My husband threatens to go to court to get schld visitation. She literally cries and wines (this is were sd gets it!) stating "How can you take her only child away from her on the holidays so she would have to sit home alone". Finally this year he told her he "is" getting her for Easter & for Xmas eve & a.m.
There has always been seperate B-Day partys for her. One at her BM's house and one we throw at ours. Two years ago she called my husband and told her that she needs extra $ (in addition to child support). She wanted him to pay half for a party at the YMCA, which has a gym, pool, and game room. He told her no, that we couldnt afford to pay for our party plus half hers. She the proceeded to tell my SD that she cannt have the party now cause daddy doesnt "WANT" to pay. He came to an agreement (he, then, had no back bone) that we would pay half if his and my family were able to come as well. She agreed and quoted him $75.00. He payed her before I knew the total. I called the YMCA who stated that the $75.00 was the total. NOT HALF. She denied the whole thing.
I am told by SD and BM that we don't treat the kids the same. Well, when she was little (approx 4) and spit food at me and all over my kitchen, I picked her up, swatted her but once, and sat her down on the couch in time out, my SD went back home and told her mom I whipped her repeatedly. BF then got phone call screaming that I am not allowed to disciple her. At that point on SD knew that she didn't need to listen or respect me.
The day we moved into our new house (SD 8yrs old), my mom asked her to pick up her hat, which she left outside in the mud. SD refused, and my mom took her by both arms and looked at her square in the eye and told her to get it picked up. That night and next day passed without a word about it. When she went home there was an irrate phone call. SD caimed that my mom put her hands aroung her throat and "choked" her. Instead of thinking the claim as strange and questioning her a little more she calls us screaming. Her dad and I confronted her. My sister was witness to the incident and states there was "NO" choking" involved. SD claims it hurt really bad but shed a tear that night, nor did she "tattle" to her dad. When questioned she changed her storey three times as to what really happened. She then confessed that she wasn't infact choked but was making it up because grandma scolded her infront of her cousin. My family now is affraid to have her spend the night or even come over without BD there to witness any problems because she may make up something else that might end up putting someone in jail or social services. SD lies and will never admit it even if there is proof or witnesses. She throws drag-out tantrums (on-the-floor, feet-kicking, fist-pounding tantrums).
My husband works wierd shifts and I because I work weekdays only I have both kids on the weekends. EVERY WEEKEND! BM likes to go to conserts, bars, and stay the night at boyfriends appt. I am perfect to BABYSIT but not to parent!!! Every Sunday night BM calls and complains to BD about "something", whether its made-up or not. The phone calls are getting crazy. During the summer SD stays with us the weekdays and with BM weekends (sometimes).
I have caught her hitting and slapping my son. When he was two he started screaming and when I went to see he had a bright red hand print on his back. She of course denied it. Its been happening ever since. Last episode... last weekend, red handprint on BS face.
In addition to all of that
***********CAN YOU BELIEVE I HAVE A BIGGER PROBLEM********************
HERE'S MY PROBLEM

Like I said prior, in the summer we get SD Sunday P.M.-friday P.M.
Last summer (2006) I have started noticing things. Seperatly they mean nothing but together, I feel, they mean trouble.

1.)At the beginning of the summer, we found out the BM lets SD walk
two blocks around the neighborhood with a friend and one block
alone. The neighborhood is really bad. We also found out that
kiddie-corner to BM house a man was arrested for malesting his
wifes daycare kids.
2.)SD cries hysterically the entire time she was with us.
3.)SD has to call BM, literally, every five minutes and CRIED on
the phone with her for 30-45mins each time. We weren't able to go
anywhere without SD needing to call her mom. And when "we"
finally put our foot down and said she needs to cut the calls
down to once a day, BM calls and screams at "me".
4.)SD wakes up in the night creaming from nightmares, that someone
is killing or injuring her mom.
5.)SD claims to have 5-10 "injuries" or problems daily. Her foot
hurts, it must be broken; her eyes are sore (after crying
for a long period), she must have a tumor; her wrist hurts;
her lip, ear, shin, elbow, etc... hurts. Her knee cap moves, it
must broke.
6.)BM took her to her DR for bleeding and pain "down-below"
and was diagnosted with vulva-vaginitis. (inflammation of female
parts). I did research and you CAN get it from sitting in a wet
bathing suit, but her mom claims she only swam the same day as
the drs appt.
7.)Two weeks ago she came out of the bathroom crying that she was
cut "DOWN THERE" and it was (slightly) bleeding again. I realize
that she came to me re: this but I don't feel comfortable
"checking" so-to-speak. I did notify her dad!
8.)She no long enjoys the things she use to. And refuses to do
anything but sit on the couch or her bed and cry.
I have brought these concerns to her BM which WAS accected rather calmly. She noticed a change as well and stated that she would take her to counciling if it continued after the start of school. It hasn't changed and still no counciling. SD now has inturn "started" fights between her dad & mom, her dad & me, and her mom & me. She has told her BM lies re: our RULES. BD and I expect both kids to keep there own room clean and unload the dishwasher. (no chores at BM's home) She tells her mom she doesnt want to come to our home (because i don't tolerate lies and back talk) Both kids have been punished by being sent to there rooms and write a page on "what they did that was wrong) Not a harsh punishment. I have tried to take her and do things with her for "alone time" but she pushes away. I have had so much problems with her telling her BM lies and then calling my husband, who then has to defend me, eventhough he was at work. He then questions me about it and we get fight. I would never hurt her and don't treat her any different than I do my own child. During one of those fights I finally told him there was a easy solution. We would only get her on the weekends when he was home so that he can discipline and not have to defend me to BM. That worked for a while untill it was brought to his attention that maybe I was doing it cause i hated his dtr by BM & SD. I completely feel alone and backed into a corner. I can't win no matter what I do or don't do for that matter. I am concerned for SD and so is other close family members. But its a double edged sword. "WE" dont have the RIGHT to address these ISSUES. And if we dont, we dont CARE about her. If I say something about her needing counciling then I am picking on her, and if i say nothing then I don't treat her the same as I do MY BS. My parents would love to have her spend the night BUT , remember the choking incident? Also, she doent get to see her dad to often when she is here on the weekends so my parents don't want to take the time she CAN spend with her dad away. With that, my husband thinks my parents treat her different and never want to spend time with her. That in turn causes another fight. I try to stay out of it, but when I am put smack-dab in the middle , I don't know what else to do. The only two people that REALLY have a say, wont get her the help that many believe she needs. Please.... If you have had the patience to read this whole thing, then please make your comments. They are much needed. Thanks ahead-of-time