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secrets, secrets, secrets..

sunny_skies's picture

Submitted by sunny_skies on Sat, 07/06/2013 - 2:06pm

Just a bit of background: I've been with FDH since SS was a few months old, he just turned 3yrs old. BM has been quite crazy towards me in the past. I won't go into details, as I'm not sure it's relevant here, I think basically all you need to know is that I put a stop to it by (nicely) saying there was no need for us to be in contact, unless there was a problem she specifically wanted to address with me concerning SS3. FDH has also put his foot down with BM  boundaries since then.

That was about 1 and a half years ago, her and I have had no email or phone contact since, unless FDH is unable to collect SS (very rare) then she will drop him off with me, and text to make sure of times etc. 

When we do see eachother, it is very "fake smiley" and uncomfortable, and as far as I've seen, it's the same during pick ups/ drop offs between FDH and BM.

so.. even though BM has "behaved herself" for the last year and a half, it still doesn't stop the fact that she used to be crazy. She sometimes "forgets herself" even now, and the cray cray slips out without her realising it, sometimes in the form of small stamping feet type tantrums, complete with bottom lip pushed out. (embarrassing to watch) But she quickly collects herself together again, and brushes it off with an "I'm sorry, I'm just tired at the moment"

Anyway, onto the reason for my post.. Because of the ever impending sense of drama that could come crashing down on us at any given moment, we tend not to tell BM, well, anything. 

We detest being forced to share our lives so much with her already (only in the sense of constantly informing her what we are doing, for example when we want to go on holiday, and when we can have SS3 etc) and choose not to let her know of anything to do with our personal lives.

When FDH proposed, I didn't put it on facebook, choosing instead to let close friends know in person and by phone/ email. That is OUR special, personal piece of information. If its on Facebook, it's common knowledge, and we don't want her knowing just yet. Sure we'll tell her when we DEFINATELY need SS3 to be with us, but we prefer not to say *why* JUST yet. (btw, we are Facebook friends with her just so we can keep an eye on her, it has come in handy)

tbh, I'm really not sure if she'd care about us getting married, we live together already anyway, so nothing really will change! I KNOW she wouldn't cause a scene about us getting married, because, we have lots of mutual friends and she likes to look like the "good guy" so she does all the things she does in a very subtle way, usually with a fake smile. 

Ok onto the big stuff.. I'm halfway through pregnancy now. (I'm not even showing yet! A verrry slight bump starting up this week, but not really!) FDH and I have been keeping everything very much on the down-lo about it. No facebook, same deal as our engagement, telling friends in person, and by phone/ email. 

With regards to telling SS3, (he's literally just turned 3) we are hoping to wait for as long as possible. When I (eventually!) get a baby bump, I'm expecting him to come right out and ask if I have a baby in my tummy, (he's had pregnant bumps explained!) which I will then obviously say yes to, and we can start talking to him about the baby more.

We're not looking forward to this day, as sweet little SS will then go back to BM, happily chatting away about it. If he *doesn't* notice bump, or ask about the increasing amount of baby stuff in our bedroom, (lol! can't believe he hasn't asked about it already!) ..we decided we would tell SS3 about a month before I'm due, so we can prepare him. 

(considering he has no concept of time anyway, tomorrow and one months time to wait to be a big brother, are the same thing! eg: if we go to a cafe we haven't been to in 6months or something, he'll say "we came here yesterday didn't we" um, yeh kiddo, yesterday, haha! cutie)

My question is: when BM finds out through SS chatting away, I am expecting 2 reactions from her. (keep in mind, this reaction will be to FDH, as I cut off contact with her)

1) for her to throw one of her classic tantrums and get angry.. (or even cry/ get upset I'm not sure) saying things like.. "I should've been told so I can prepare my son for this, if it affects his life, I need to know about things like this" ..I was thinking of FDH replying "he IS prepared, he's chatting away to you about it, isn't he?"

2) for her to put on a fake smile, say "wow that's great news!! why didn't you tell me?"  If she reacts nicely like this, I was thinking of FDH saying something in a NICE tone of voice, like "I just didn't think to mention it, as it wouldn't affect *your* life" ..or maybe.. "Sunny has had a lot of medical problems with the pregnancy, it's been quite concerning, and tbh, the last thing on mind was to tell you!"

I dont mind about her knowing of my medical problems btw, as I'll probably be posting on Facebook about our medical struggles once the baby is safely here..

Anyway, what do you think of these ideas on replies, anything you would add/ take away, how should we answer these two possibilities? (no idea if she'll react in these ways, I'm just guessing: preparing slightly.. hey what can I say, I'm a planner, lol!) 

**the KEY point here is that we want to remain pleasant / fake friendly in our answers**

Any suggestions appreciated! Thanks!

Comments

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Sat, 07/06/2013 - 3:16pm

i don't understand people like your bm, wanting to know everything all the time. my exdh (and i use the dh term loosely) was constantly trying to tell me every little detail of what was going on in his pathetic life, and i flat out told him that i didn't care and wasn't interested, and that i was not his friend, so stop telling me things. he looked at me shocked one day after he said "i could tell you something, but you probably wouldn't believe it..." and my response was "so don't tell me then." followed by what i said about not caring about his life. he says "oh! ok then." he was clearly disappointed that i didn't care about who he was dating or who he got pregnant or anything else he was trying to tell me. to this day, 13 years after being done with him, i still don't give a rat's ass about him or anything to do with him, and he still tries to find things out about me any chance he has. :? i don't get it. when i'm done, i'm DONE. i guess not everyone feels that way.

smomof2's picture

Submitted by smomof2 on Sat, 07/06/2013 - 8:26pm

I think it's wise for you to not tell SS or BM about the pregnancy as long as possible.
When I was 12 weeks along and every thing was going well, we told the parents and friends, DH insisted that we tell the SSs because it's their sibling and they deserve to know. Against my better judgment I agreed. We told them on a sunday, they went back to BM monday evening and by the time we woke up Tuesday, I kid you not there was an email from BM saying that ss6 told her about the baby and that we all need to seat down and discuss the pregnancy. The woman wanted to discuss MY pregnancy! WTF! That was almost a month ago and since then, all the craziness in her came out. Every email/text/phone conversation with her turns into a big unnecessary drama, accusations from her, threats, you name it. She even went as far as to say that the kids have been sad and fighting with each other since finding out about the baby-which is a such a lie because ss4stb5 doesn't understand what's going on and ss6 is super happy to have a new sibling. ss6 tells everyone, including his teachers, neighbors, strangers at the store that there's a baby in SM's belly, sometimes I have to shush him. every night he's here he insists on singing a goodnight song to the baby, he even gave me a few of his toys to keep for the baby. He refers to the baby as "our baby".

I share all that to say, although DH is doing a wonderful job of shielding me from BM's craziness and attacks, it still sucks that he(we) have to deal with it, completely unnecessary.

I don't think you should give her more information than necessary. You have absolutely no obligation to explain to her why you didn't tell her earlier. Like every other SMs out there I hate the fact that BM has so much information about my life, from vacations to fun things we do with kids. As the SSs get older we are extremely careful about what we say in front of them, if we don't want BM to know, we don't mention it in front of the kids.

Corn Flower's picture

Submitted by Corn Flower on Mon, 07/08/2013 - 7:43am

I also have the same issues about having this third person constantly involved in my personal life. I to do not post anything pertaining to a personal nature on my FB; even though my FB is locked down tighter the Fort Knox; and our BM is on both our "blocked" list.

We try constantly to keep personal announcements as quiet as possible until we have told the steps ourselves. My partner's family still speak to the children's mother and are totally incapable of keeping secrets. We are therefore constantly having to request that they do not mention anything to either the children or the children's mother, as we feel it is my partner's place to inform his children of any personal issue.

On that note... my partner recently went down on one knee and ofc I said yes! But we wanted to be the ones giving this happy news to the children... This means either Angel not informing anyone until the children have been advised or (b) swearing an entire family to secrecy until we have had the opportunity to tell the children; then walking round on eggshells hoping no-one accidently says anything...

So we picked for option a with a twist... we recently held a bbq to celebrate something totally different; and arranged to have the children with us (not our regular time). Kids arrived earlier than everyone else so we told them and let them deliver the news to the family as they arrived... My SD (7) was thrilled and excited and went round telling everyone... SS (4) - well its no change to him really... I have been in his life since very early and he remembers nothing else and for him its just a word really... he just wants to play with his toys.

Once the family and children have been told only then do we inform the children's mother. In this case we don't get the chance because it's the first words out of my bubbly little SD's mouth when they are dropped of that evening. But my fiance is there to confirm and advise the children's mother of the engagement.

Personally I prefer to tell the children first before anyone else does I feel this is something they will appreciate in later life. Knowing that they were important enough to us to be the first ones to know any big news. I also prefer us being the ones that tell them and not their mother. Quite frankly it's none of her business and therefore our responsbility to tell the children not hers.

And our news is for the children not for her; we will not discuss any wedding arrangements with her, other than to pre-arrange (a few weeks prior) the actual date. For the rest not her concern.