From The Beginning
I am going to start (and this is the short version).
My husband and I met in Dec of 1999, he and his ex girlfriend to whom he had 2 kids with and raised her son from birth have not been together since 1998. We engaged in Feb of 2000 and were married in Sept of 2001. Ex was always a nightmare, cheated on him, told lies about him and was a horrible mother. When I came into the picture BM stopped letting my husband see his kids. Courts would not enforce visits. BM did agree to let SK's be in wedding we spent money on a tux and a dress and a week before the wedding she refused to let them be in it or go.
About 3 months after we were married a friend told us how the children were living, and they were not going to school. CYF then got involved, which was a huge nightmare. They did all they could to keep my husband and I out of the picture. BM told them my husband was not the father. In PA a father has little rights and the goal is always to keep the children with the mother.
About a year later BM lost custody of kids to CYF and the were placed with her sister. SK's lived there about a year and my husband was having visits, I stayed out of the picture to let him try to build back up his relationship with them. BM did not show up for her visits or court hearing, still goal was to reunify kids with mother.
SK's were then removed for BM's brother in law being investigated for child porn. They were placed with another one of BM's sisters. We were never notified they were removed and why. We found out from a friend. My husband was very upset over this.
By this time my husband was in the process of adopting my daughter, which the judge did end up granting after 2 hearings. The judge subpoena all the records from CYF and the caseworker. When caseworker was asked why children where not with their father he said because the family said he is not the father and does not want the kids around me. Judge said that my husband is listed on birth cert. of both children, my husband signed an acknowledgement of paternity and has been paying child support with no missed payments. Judge ordered paternity test at the request of my husband (which we had to pay $2000 for). He held the case until the test came back.
Once test were back judge told CYF they were in violation of my husbands right and his children need to be placed with him. He was granting the adoption and if he can adopt a child he can raise his own. BM's family was angry when my husband got custody. Also because BM did not show up for hearings or visits she was not permitted contact via court order. We did let children see BM's family and that was a huge mistake!! They would go behind our backs and let kids see BM. When we found out we stopped all contact.
We gave the kids the best of everything, moved to a better school district and provided a stable loving home. That was not good enough. Once SS moved on his own and stated talking to BM he stopped contact with his father. BM's father died and SD was 16, we would of never kept her from his funeral that would be wrong. We knew BM would be there and trouble would once again start, boy were we right.
From that time on till SD was 18 she made our lives hell. BM wants my husband back. She even went as far as moving to the same area we did, it had nothing to do with the wanting to be near the kids. We did not find out till she was out our way for 6 months.
So SD tried to break my marriage up. She put me on a dating site and told my husband I was cheating on him, thank God he knew better. SD would call me the C word, fight with me, call the cops on me when my husband was not home staying she was afraid I was going to hurt her. She stole from me and my daughter. She went to my daughter's place of employment and started trouble, SD was banned from store. She tells everyone she is my husbands only daughter and our daughter does not matter because he adopted her. SD tells everyone I am a drug addict, she called my place of employment and they made me take a random drug test, not that I had to worry but that was not the point. SD had me so sick with stress to the point I lost my job for calling off sick.
Finally she was told she had until graduation to find a place to go that she could not continue to live with us and act like she does. SD left that night, she was 18.
My husband wants nothing to do with her. He told SD that she does not have to like me, but she does have to respect me. That he is finally happy and he will not let anyone ruin his happiness. SD replied as long as he is with me she will continue to try to come in between us. She said her mother's feelings are hurt he married me so soon after meeting me and adopted my daughter. That he was with her mother for 12 years and refused to marry her or adopt her son. My husband then told SD that if her mother wanted him so bad then why did she cheat on him with not just one but many. The boyfriend she is with now she was cheating on my husband with. He told my SD do the math, your mother has been with her boyfriend for 17 years and they were only split up for 15 years. She called my husband a f'en a-hole and hung up on him. that was the last time he took a phone call from her.
She was calling him, me, our daughter and my house phone 30 times a day, leaving nasty messages. SD was harassing us so bad that we had to change all of our phone numbers. We block SD her mother and her family on Facebook. Now SD and BM are harassing our friend and family for our numbers. When will this end. Move on and get over it. They made their bed now they have to sleep in it. We just want to live our lives in peace.
It is awesome that you and
It is awesome that you and your DH have nailed BM's cheating whore ass the to the wall and made every effort to rescue your Skids from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool. Now that the Skids are following in their morally bankrupt BM's footsteps and demonstrating her complete lack of character it is time to get an RO/PO against SD and legally prevent her from contacting anyone in our family or your friends. Put SD-18's ass in jail each and every time she violates the RO/PO.
It is evil of BM and her family to use her daughter as her surrogate in attacking your family and is just another example of how toxic and polluted that gene pool is.
Let SD know in no uncertain terms that when she is cured of her chronic case of Cranio-Rectitis that she will be allowed to rejoin the family in a very slow and measured manner but that it is entirely dependent on her behavior.
The only way you and your family will live in peace is to come down on these toxic idiots like a ton of shit in a one pound bag each and every time they so much as think about behaving in a toxic manner.
IMHO of course.
ffwife908, I agree with other
ffwife908, I agree with other posters. How many more years are you prepared to live with this s***.
You've done more than your bit. Shut them out of your world and work on DH not to feel guilty.
He's done all he can.
Good luck and (((hugs))) to you.
Thank you everyone. I feel
Thank you everyone. I feel guilty that my husband does not have a relationship with his kids. I feel it is my fault even though my husband says it is not and I did all I could for them. SS is wild be 23 in next month and SD just turned 20. He said they are adults and know the truth. That they just refuse to believe it.
He is an awesome father to our daughter and they have a wonderful relationship. My husband says that is because our daughter is grateful he adopted her and she has a father who loves her. Our daughter is a hard worker and does for herself, she does not ask for help unless she really needs it. She is also 20. SD is very jealous of her.
I just want it to stop and the nightmare to end.
In our county they will not
In our county they will not give you a RO unless they threaten to do you harm. We can get a no contact order, but SD and BM do not care. They will do what they want. It was just easier to change all our phone numbers and cut them off.
I think that is what we are
I think that is what we are going to do. It just needs to stop.
You have been thru an awful
You have been thru an awful lot. It is crazy what exes will do in revenge. When two people divorce it is not always what both people want but it is something that both have to accept and try to work to make it the best they can for their children and I don't get why grown adults cannot see this. It seems the revenge is more important. I had to deal with much the same issues you have mentioned here, it was a complete total nightmare for many many years.
Your husband has made wise choices. The boundary lines definitely have to be drawn here. Of course the blame is going to land on you, or you and your husband. I think it is apparent from your post. My oldest daughter did this.....ex was a player and he continued to be one even as the kids got older and he had moved on to his second marriage. The kids saw with their very own eyes what their father had done yet my oldest chose to blame me and has said some very terrible things about me. It was very hurtful. I had tried to save the marriage but husband was convinced he was in love with someone else, someone else that didn't want to be a part of his children so basically he vanished til she finally broke things off with him. He would not pay child support and skipped from job to job so the system would not catch him. He left me with huge debts. Yet, my daughter wanted her daddy and when he did come back in her life, he filled her head with lies about us. I think fear of losing him again made her decide to support him and turn against me. She is 32 now and she pretty much has nothing to do with me. Her life is all about her dad. My counselor said that she has chose blame despite the facts and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but accept it and live my life so that's what I do.
We had it on the other side as well. My husband who I have been with for 24 years now had custody of his two sons which I raised. Bio mom was much like you described your husband's ex, a real piece of work! She left the kids behind, started her new life and didn't make contact with the boys for almost 2 years. When she remarried and had a home to take the boys back to she asked my husband for visitation and then custody of the boys but husband was very much used to his routine and had no willingness to meet his ex's desires. This made her mad and even though she did seem to accept that husband was raising the boys alone, she came unglued when she found out I was in the picture. She didn't know me, it was just another female in the picture and she didn't want any other women raising her children. I tried to be nice but she had her claws extended. She too caused nothing but trouble when she did have contact with the boys, lots of lies which we corrected as much as possible. They too decided in favor of the mother that abandoned them. Both boys, ages 29 and 31, have told us off, told us we were terrible parents and have said that we will never know their children and they have kept with their promise.
My counselor says the boys issues lie with the abandonment with their mother and the lack of involvement their dad had with them growing up and until they work thru this they will continue to blame. So basically it is the child's perspective they base their feelings and actions even if it is not reality.
I am so sorry you are in the
I am so sorry you are in the same boat as I am.