Goodbye SO
Tis with a heavy heart and puffy eyes that I am blogging this today. After over 3 years, it's over, SO and I broke up.
He and I live in neighboring towns about a 45 min round trip. Not too far, but far enough to be a pain in the butt. At first I was driving over there 2-3 times a week and weekends when the skids were in town. 3 of them SS8, SD10, SD14. I didn't spend the night during the week. I hated all the driving and I hated his cluttered often dirty and stinky house. So I backed off. One night a week now and weekends when they are here.
I have participated and paid for birthdays, holidays, vacations, family dinners and various outings. I convinced SO to get SS8 into counseling. After being held back one year and entering the 1st grade with all sorts of behavioral issues and barely being able to read, he is finishing 2nd grade testing normally and he is off the special iep program the school set up for him.
I convinced SO to take SS8 and SD10 to their FIRST dentist appts ever this year.
I convinced SO to take SD10 to the doctor to get her encopresis diagnosed and treated. Google it, it's disgusting.
After being behind on his taxes for years, I finally convinced SO to see my tax guy. He made an arrangement with the IRS and the lien on his home is removed.
So all of this is apparently not enough. He wants me to spend more time with the skids and basically commute in between households. I told him I can't do it. It's too much and I was miserable when I tried before. I told him if he wants more time that this is usually the point where people get engaged and move in together. For the sake of the children, he cannot make that leap of faith (his words).
So that's it I'm done. I'm taking my unworthy self out of the equation. Apparently manners, responsibility, and accountability are bad for kids nowadays so I would be a horrible influence. I was going to get AND pay for swimming lessons for the 2 younger skids cuz they are in NO extra-curricular activities. If we got married, I was going to start educational funds for all 3 skids. SS8 has ADHD and SD14 has ODD and I was ready and willing to jump in. He knew all of this and it still was not enough.
I'm not perfect by any means, but compared to that wretched BM I am Martha Stewart, Malinda Gates, and a Victoria Secret model all rolled into one. It hurts so much to know that he is throwing all of that away, that he feels I'm not good enough. I just don't get it. He is a fool and his children will also be missing out.
Mad props to this site and all you steppers out there. I've been lurking for months and have read hundreds of blogs. I think it helped me come to this decision and although it feels like hell now, I know I made the right decision.
So for all you out there having doubts and second thoughts........LISTEN to your gut. Do NOT compromise who you are and what you believe "for the kids' sakes" cuz it will fall apart in the end. Kids are your #1 responsibility but your marriage should be your #1 priority. If you or your partner do not believe that statement, the relationship is doomed.
- DarkStar's blog
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Comments
I'm sorry you've are this
I'm sorry you've are this point after 3 years of being together. But I think you are doing the right thing, you are young and you deserve what you want out of life. This man has made his decision and it is not a committment to you or your lives together. Good luck to you, it will take time, but you have a lot to offer someone who appreciates you.
Sounds like he wanted to BE
Sounds like he wanted to BE the wife without actually making you his wife. Why commute 3 nights a week, he could've asked you to move in. Sounds like you did the right thing. Hope it works out.
That is what I have been
That is what I have been saying ALL ALONG!!!
Marriage/relationship = #1 Priority
Children = #1 Responsibility
I believe that with all of my being...and so does my BF!!!
It is so true....if the two adults in the relationship are NOT on the same page re: skids/bm bs then you might as well strap yourself in for the ride from hell!!! IMHO.
I know you feel like crap now
I know you feel like crap now but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't very happy for you. Ending a relationship is terrible but you did the right thing. Sounds like you were more like his social worker rather than his girlfriend. I feel like when a relationship starts feeling more like a second job, then it's time to go.
Your SO is what the women in my family call the boyfriend project. We've all had them. I had one and once I started having some expectations of him and his kids, he balked. No marriage, no moving forward. Boy have I been there. Ex-bf lived in a roach infested house with 3 trash monsters for kids and a 9 year old who couldn't tie his shoes or wipe himself after going to the bathroom, That boy would leave his poopy underwear in our bathroom and would get sent home from school all the time. He wasn't special needs either, just ADHD and bad parenting.
And to think I actually wanted to marry this guy!?? My self esteem was so low back then.
I'm glad you escaped and I know the next six months may be so painful. I know I was crying all the time after I broke up with that loser. But I did find somone better and so will you.
Sorry this happened, but in
Sorry this happened, but in time you will see you made the right decision.
I broke up with a man that was a guilty/lazy parent. We had been together for two years. I don't regret my decision. Not only did he not want to parent his son, he also had tax problems. He was an independent contractor and had NEVER paid taxes. Even when I researched options for him, he still didn't do anything about it.
It wasn't the fact that he owed taxes, it was the fact that he didn't do anything about it was one of the final straws for me.
Whenever you get down, come back and read the blogs on here. Reading on here helped me whenever I began to doubt if I made the right decision or not.
I'm sorry. I hope things
I'm sorry. I hope things work out well for you
Thanks everyone
Thanks everyone **sniffle**
Amber I read your post today.....does your current SO have any friends???? Maybe a brother or cousin or something?
I didn't even go into the details of his low credit score, and the whole custody/child support issue. Basically, the child custody arrangement was 50/50, he paid something like 2K a month in child support. Then BM takes the skids to a town 2 hours away, he lowers his CS to $500/month. Then BM gives up the skids, and they have lived here for 2 years, no CS anymore. All this has been done on their own for years. I wanted him to get an attorney to make things all legal so she can't come back for tens of thousands of dollars in back child support. Oh no....that might hurt BM's feelings! Also, he doesn't think she would do something like that so I guess I was supposed to base our future financial stability on the goodwill of BM. Arrgh!
Good grief, why did I put up with this crap for so long? Oh yeah, I love the hell out of him. We get along so great, best friends, great sex, all that good stuff. Come to think of it, if I would have known that last Saturday was the last time I'd be having sex for a while, I would have done it twice.
Are there any guys out there today? Draco, my secret blog crush? WHY WHY WHY is he doing this? I have offered and given so much of myself, how can it not be enough??
Also, what is the etiquette for saying goodbye to skids? Should I ask him to let me see them and say goodbye?
LOL, it's funny, my SO has
LOL, it's funny, my SO has quite a few friends, and none of them have kids. They're all in their late 30's, early 40's and NO KIDS. I don't know how they feel about long distance relationships,
but they are willing proof that men with no kids DO EXIST.
But OMG, I would say we were dating the same guy. My exBF got custody of his son, but didn't want to go through the court system either. You are right BM could come back at any point and file for back child support, and BD wouldn't have a legal leg to stand on. The same thing happened to my exBF. He got custody of his son, but because he couldn't afford the $750 it would cost to file the custody change in court, he was willing to take the risk that BM wouldn't come back later on and file for back CS! That was one risk I was NOT willing to take.
But don't worry, eventually you'll find someone new. In the meantime, my advice is to invest in a good vibrator!!
I have to tell you, I'm
I have to tell you, I'm married to a guy like that. Hasn't paid his taxes, would rather take his money and spend it on a Disneyland trip than get ahead on bills, and God forbid HIM take HIS children to ANY of their activities! It doesn't get any better. At least he started helping me make lunches, but that only lasted for a while. Since I'm THE mom and I don't have a job, I should be the one completely taking care of the children, right? We have a son together and I adore my skids-SD11&SS10- like they are my own (I've been raising them since they were one and two since the BMs are POS!) so I AM the mom to them. I just wish Dad would step it up to my level. He was the youngest of 7 kids and although his mom is great, I think by the time she got to him, she was so over raising kids that she had the older siblings take care of him, so he never got a doting parent since his Dad was a workaholic. MY MOM was amazing, attentive, involved, doting- PTA President, Lunch lady when she was no longer PTA President, and ALL my teacher's favorite parent volunteer, and my Dad was also very involved and playful with us. So of course our parenting styles are different. I've come to realize putting expectations on him about the kind of Dad he NEEDS to be only puts strain on our relationship. Break ups are horrible and I'm sorry, but you CAN find a guy who is a responsible, attentive and a functioning adult- much like yourself! <3
I seriously doubt his
I seriously doubt his attitude is anything to do with you not being good enough. Sounds to me like he is a commitment-phobe who has been once burned twice shy on the marriage front and wants to have all the support and time of a wife without committing completely to the relationship.
A slobby commitment-averse man who can't manage his own finances and has 3 children on the brink of puberty is not good enough for YOU. So please don't go thinking that there is anything else that you could or should have done, or that he didn't want to marry you because you didn't pass some test. I know it hurts but it sounds like you could not have done more to make it work, and have made a very sensible decision which will save you a lot of heartache. It is totally his loss. Good luck.
Thanks for all the positive
Thanks for all the positive comments, I know I made a good decision, but it hurts like the dickens. I was kind of hoping for emails or texts proclaiming devotion and love and begging for forgiveness....nope. And let me check....nope, no one in my front lawn with a boombox over their head playing Peter Gabriel.
Any advice about saying goodbye to the skids? I disengaged from SD14 and could really care less about her, I'm sure she feels the same about me, but SD10 and SS8 have told me that they loved me and I really do care for them. Should I ask SO to be able to say goodbye to skids?
No, don't do it to yourself.
No, don't do it to yourself. Listen, I know you are CRUSHED right now, but girlfriend, you just rid yourself of a LIFETIME of BULLSHIT. Chin UP, WAY UP! Wipe those tears, dig in those heels and walk tall and PROUD because YOU are a catch and HE lost out. Send the kids a card in the mail and leave it at that.
I wouldn't say goodbye to the
I wouldn't say goodbye to the SKids, you'll just get drawn back in again. Write them a letter or a card, maybe enclose a small farewell gift. It won't help them or you to have some tearful farewell, but I wouldn't just leave it without any communication with them.
I'm sorry to hear that
I'm sorry to hear that DarkStar - but you have absolutely made the right decision here. IMO it would've gotten way worse as the skids grew older.
Definitely you've dodged a bullet!
I know it hurts and you're feeling a little used - but trust me - you WILL get over it!!
Be proud of yourself, woman! You have made a decent go of it and turns out that this moron is not the man for you.
I'm sorry that the skids will also be hurting. I also agree that it would be best to just write them a little note, or card to say goodbye and be done with it.
I'm sorry you are hurting but
I'm sorry you are hurting but I think it best that you hurt for a short amount of time than stay with this guy and hurt for the next x years of your life.