Has anyone taken a break??
I almost stayed over at a friend's house this past Thursday night because my H and I are having problems...or should I say I'm having issues with us. He told me he wanted to work to fix things and didn't want me to leave. So I stayed. Well the terms were that he was not to take me for granted and to tell me what's going on with my SD8's childcare considering I watch her most of the time, as agreed.
Anyway, this Monday he did it again!! He didn't tell me that the BM was picking up SD so I'm waiting there for her and SD never shows up, because BM picked her up from school. I'm freaking out and calling everyone, finally I call my H and he tells me that he forgot to tell me, though he found out last week!! Inexcusable!
So I told him that he needs some time to deal with his issues and to figure out where his priorities fall. I've been staying with a friend since Mon. night, stress or whatever it may be. I'm really upset about everything and seriously depressed. I asked him if he wanted to talk about everything Weds. night because BM has SD overnight. He said that he needs more time apart. I'm confused and hurt and really upset. I don't want to leave him and vice versa but things need to change.
Has anyone ever left for a week or so and went back to better communication and a better relationship? I'm just concerned that now he won't want to talk and will want me to leave. I'm just really paranoid and depressed.
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You know what I'm too needy
You know what I'm too needy and maybe I don't deserve this relationship...maybe I push b/c I want our problems to get solved but he doesn't seem concerned. I think I'm too pushy and too needy. Maybe I need to change, I hate this b/c I'm questioning myself.
don't like to see you take the blame
for something that isn't your fault. Your requests seem reasonable...we all want to be kept in the loop. DH and I split up SEVERAL times before we were married and sometimes that separation lasted months. Sometimes I wish I would have just stayed away. You are NOT too needy nor too pushy. He's being a thick-headed stubborn person who isn't seeing how unfair he is acting towards you. I hope you don't let them push you down and make you feel like you aren't worth the effort because you ARE worth the effort honey!
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”
You know what
non_mom, don't feel guilty or badly because you think you may be too needy or anything like that.
The sweetest thing my BF told me once, just recently, was that I was needy and he knew I was always that way, and that it's ok, that's who I am and he loves me and doesn't expect or want me to ever change.
I immediately started crying because it made me feel good that he knew me so well and loved me for it. At that moment I realized that I was with the right person for me. Neediness is not always a flaw. I needed to be with someone who accepted that and could be there for me and that could understand me. That is one of the greatest gifts I have recieved was an understanding man.
Also since we have moved to be closer to his kids my depression and anxiety has come back and now my BF has been having to deal with my mood swings. He had a really hard time at first and didn't think he could handle it. A few weeks ago we were talking, and my mood swings came up and he said (very sweetly) that he is learning how to handle them and that he would always be by my side despite some of the drama my depression brings.
I am so very thankful for having found such an emotionally supportive man.
Don't blame yourself, please...
As many people who joined this forum will attest, when we married our Hs, all we wanted was a normal, happy marriage.
Unfortunately, when he "forgets" to tell you (total disrespect toward you, BTW) and treats YOU secondly or thirdly, you start questioning yourself. It is NOT you, from what I've read.
I've taken many breaks. Sometimes just for a night, sometimes for a whole weekend. I would refrain from calling him and trying to "work it out"; let HIM envision life without you for awhile. As long as he knows you are wherever you are, thinking endlessly of HIM, you might as well just have stayed in the house.
Start thinking of yourself. What hobbies do YOU want to pursue? What friendships have you been neglecting that you want to start taking care of again. When he truly sees that you are NOT going to allow yourself to be mistreated or disrespected again, he will start to respect you. Trust me!:)
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Don't sell yourself short
"You know what I'm too needy and maybe I don't deserve this relationship..."
No one is perfect -- we all know that. But women tend to question themselves a lot more than men -- we overanalyze our actions, especially when we ask someone to give us what we need and they resist. We are really good at talking ourselves out of standing up for what we need to make ourselves happy. Just like you are doing above.
Now, of course, there are women out there who are just awful, selfish, takers who never give anything and expect the moon. But what is far more likely is that you are a woman who is not getting her needs met, is in pain, and is so hurt that her husband would balk at giving her more emotional support that she questions herself rather than question why the man who is supposed to love her more than anyone seems unwilling to listen to what she needs to feel happy and fulfilled.
Don't talk yourself out of having needs and expecting that your husband should care that you have them. After all, if he came to you and told you he had emotional needs that weren't getting met, you would do everything you could to change that, wouldn't you? You should be able to expect the same thing in return.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Thank you for all the
Thank you for all the support! I really need it. I guess the question is, is whether or not he is ready to meet my needs, if he can't I guess we won't be able to make it work...I'm very sad by this notion.
YES
We had some of our own totally informal SM retreats last year, but haven't been able to schedule anymore yet this summer. Part of that is that most of the original ladies aren't that involved on this site anymore. Hmmm...part of that may be that once we "retreated" in person we did better in our individual situations, or many resolved on their own.
I have another project I'm focused on this summer (forming a YT group) so I'm not sure I can make the SM retreat project a priority. If anyone on here is a good event organizer though, I think it would be a highly viable and important venture to consider and I would be very interested in looking into forming a real retreat.
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I
I have
taken a long break.... in fact, I am still taking it.. The first short break I took I wne back, things got worse...
One can only hope!
I have
FH and I have had many problems stemming from my baggage, his baggage, and the SK's. Plus his sometimes awful treatment of me. We've "separated" many times. The last time was just a few weeks ago, and I stayed away for two weeks. The time before that was the beginning of January, and I came back Super Bowl Sunday. The next time I feel like I have to leave will be my last, and he knows that.
Does it help?
It seems to have helped. Not completely, but every separation has brought us closer to establishing an understanding about our relationship. IT has helped us to compromise. Stepping away from the situation helps us to see the other persons point of view. BUT, we're not married. Sometimes I feel like we moved in together too soon.