let the PAS begin!
DH and I have made a point to be the "better" people, being supportive of their relationship with BM, not involving them in the battles w/ her, not ripping on BM to the skids, not pointing out the ridiculous lies that the skids are being told...but you know what....taking the high road sucks! I've noted that over the last 6 months the skids and SD11 in particular have become a walking talking bombing squad on DH and I and most of it coming directly from BM.
SD has resorted to sneaking things from our home (her allowance money, gift cards from bday, and her Ipod that was her xmas gift from us) over to BM's home because BM refuses to buy SD anything. SD's reasoning is that WE should allow this and just supply her with the xtras at our home because "BM told her we could afford to."
SD has verbally attacked DH and I for "not chipping in" financially for BM for things like the skids activities, hot lunch money etc. because "BM told her that dad doesn't pay for anything." Ummmmm so the fact that we actually pay for half of all her activities, send additional money in to her hot lunch every month when BM doesn't pay it and the school calls us, oh....and the fact that BM is over 6 months in arrears in CS to us... nope that means nothing.
SD also makes comments about how mad BM is about various days of the placement schedule (50/50 set by the court) and how DH is somehow evil because he 1)won't let skids participate in various vacations/BM's wedding activities coming up in August (when in reality we haven't heard a word from BM about any dates/vacations/wedding etc) 2)Dad won't let BM pick up the skids right away when she's done w/work at 7am (when BM was the one who picked 9am for a drop off time).
The problem is that because we are the better people we are fighting a losing battle. The only way to really defend ourselves against these accusations is to point out the fact that BM is lying to the skids and not living up to her obligations. This is something we are hesitant to do mainly because we don't believe that the skids should be involved in these battles. Our standard response to them is "if your mom has an issue w/something she needs to talk to us," and reinforce that they are KIDS not adults. I fear, though that without addressing the issues directly, we are giving BM free reign to pummel us without any defense.
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Get counseling for these kids,
ASAP! Have DH call their pediatrician and ask him/her for the names of counselors who deal with blended family issues. These kids need help!
Catlover
We deal with this all the time. It's getting a little better as the kids can see their BM is a worthless POS.
BM won't even take SD's to get a bra. A bra!!! Something a teenage girl needs! Her reasoning to SD's - "Your dad and SM have a 2 income household", so we can afford it. WTF! Yeah that's because we have those things called JOBS! Try one, it might work for you, you lazy beyotch! And what about all that CS we pay? Where is that going? Obviously not to SD's! She also tries to tell the kids that she provides everything for them, whatever! Hypocrite. She'll poor mouth then turn around and try to say she buys them everything, which is the furthest thing from the truth.
We fight with Skids still on taking things from our house. Now, they get something once. If they lose it or take it to BM's too F-ing bad for them, they dont' get another. We try not to buy them things that are portable so it's not an issue.
Anywho, went off there, just wanted to let you know, I know how you feel.
~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.
I'm in the same shoes...
I feel for you, Catlover. It really sucks. My situation is fairly similar. Don't sink to BM's level, though. Don't drag the kids into it like she is doing. Trust me, the kids will eventually resent her for doing this to them (& to you guys). Have your husband confront BM about this, if possible. Though I'm guessing she's probably completely irrational like our BM, so this probably would be a wasted effort. Whatever you do, don't try to talk to her yourself. Been there, done that! BM took everything I said & twisted it into what she wanted to hear. Not worth the try! If your husband talking to BM isn't an option, I would get the kids some counseling. They need to be aware of how they are treating you & your husband & why they are doing it. There may even be a school counselor they can talk to.
When we had my husband's former stepdaughter, then 10, living with us every other week, we went through very similar problems. We had to have strict rules about what could go to their mom's house otherwise everything would be there & we'd have nothing. BM would not buy the kids anything, so we had to supply pretty much everything. (Yeah, even for a kid that wasn't my husband's...and this kid has a father who is very active in her life!) The kids would occasionally "smuggle" clothes & other belongings to their mom's house. We felt like jerks having to enforce this rule, but it got so out of hand we didn't know what else to do. Also, former SD started lashing out against us because of things BM told her (lies, of course), she would talk about BM non-stop & put us down constantly, for a while she wouldn't even talk to us -- we were basically baby-sitters. It sucked. This is why former SD doesn't live with us anymore. BM still claims to not understand why former SD isn't allowed at our home. We've only explained it dozens of times!
The situation my husband & I are in currently is very stressful. BM is trying to take SD8 away (they have 50/50 custody), and since her plans keep backfiring, she's getting increasingly annoying & persistent. She pesters my poor husband constantly & threatens him with this & that. She's insane. And why? Because she's a narcissist who's angry that my husband & I want NOTHING to do with her (because she's gotten so out of hand using us, lying to us, treating us like dirt, etc.). She's jealous, doesn't want anyone in my husband's life, doesn't want me in SD8's life, etc. She's a complete bitch & I'm sure this stunt is just to squeeze child support out of my husband. This has been going on for 3 1/2 years now! If anyone needs a life, it's this lady! Apparently, she's got too much time on her hands & her latest boyfriend isn't doing it for her! If the situation doesn't improve soon, we're going to file a restraining order. We definitely have the grounds to do so.
I wish you luck! Hang in there!