This morning is one of those mornings when I feel at my lowest point. It is 5AM and after not smoking for 3 months the temptation became too strong and I bought a pack. So here I am looking back on life and asking myself " What would I do different if only I knew."

I mentioned in a previous blog that I would have " Alice " from the Brady bunch. Now thoughts of what else could have made life less stressful enter my mind. Had I only known, what would I have done differently to put my well being first rather then last.

I should have realized that adult sc affect the marriage. But I did not. I should have realized how large a role my DH played in needing to "fix " their problems at my expense. I should have taken note of his past girlfriend who kept herself in their good graces and continued to keep tabs with the family for several years after our marriage.

What would I have learned?
She never moved in but kept her own place.
Since I owned the home next to DH, I should have kept it for my use instead of renting it out to produce funds for fixing his.

She encouraged his giving to his children, she sided with his children as their friend---They loved her for that and it never affected what she had.
Had I only known I could have done the same. I had the assets, he had debt. Instead of thinking the same as a first marriage, I could have retained separate credit and accounts. Who cares if he wallowed in debt or lost what little he had. If mine was not mingled in, did not affect me.

When DH made commitments or promises he really was not in a position to keep, she never stepped forward to relieve him of the embarrassment of looking like a fool.
I should have done the same.

Oh well, Just one of those mornings. Time to pour a cup of coffee and smoke one of those cigarettes I bought. Afterwards I will be mentally kicking myself for my own weakness. Hopefully I will get back on track tomorrow.