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A spin off of Ana's blog- forsaking all others

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/02/2013 - 3:34pm

I have a whole mess of ideas and thoughts on this topic.

I think it's a lot easier for many people to do in a first marriage. There are no ex wives/husbands or kids. Although sadly, it seems that many people now are dealing with ex girlfriends/boyfriends/one night stands and kids before they marry (if they marry at all). So while I don't agree with the behaviors of many of the dads here, I can see how it is so easy to act the way they do.

Secondly, what if the kids just do not like the spouse, and are struggling to accept their new place in Dad's life and the fact that mom and dad will never get back together? How should those kids act, and what should Dad do to truly help them? They are not obligated to love, like or care about the SP, just like we SPs are not obligated to love or like them. I think one thing Dad needs to say to them is that when they are adults, they may make choices he doesn't agree with but they will expect him to make the best of those choices and be respectful about them. They will also expect that he treat their BF/GF/SO/future spouse/spouse with respect and inclusion as a member of the family, even if that person is someone he doesn't love or like. And if they are already adults, he should reword these things and say them to his kids. And he should also tell his adult kids that they don't have to love or like his SO/spouse but if they treat that person with disrespect and/or try to f8ck around with that marriage/relationship, they're gone until they can give a sincere apology and turn their behavior around. And for the minor kids, maybe Dad should try to do something to get them counseling to help them learn healthy coping/venting strategies instead of treating the SP like crap. And I think he needs to explain to his kids (regardless of age) that he will always love them unconditionally and the love one has for their kids is equal but different to the love one has for their spouse, but the relationship/marriage comes first because someday these kids will be adults with their own lives. And of course if his kids are adults already, Dad should reword that too.

If the right thing to do is to "forsake all others," how do you think Dad should handle it if the minor SKs don't like SP? If the adult SKs don't like SP? What my DH did was what I just wrote in the second paragraph. It made everyone feel valued and important.

Stepkids don't have to even care for us, but (insert your advice/opinions here)

Comments

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Tue, 04/02/2013 - 4:53pm

my husband has.been having the second paragraph conversatipn with sd since she was 11. it doesnt work when bm filled her head with how i am satan and gave birth to satans spawns.

Maybe some day when she brings home a real douche bag that dh can't stand she will understand the difference. For me even with a sincere apology from her the damage is done. I forgive but I will never forget her words, her lies and her actions

Lalena75's picture

Submitted by Lalena75 on Tue, 04/02/2013 - 6:03pm

I'm so cynical about marriage after the failure of my first I'm kinda with you.dog person. I followed my vows the first time and what did it get me? Not a damn thing exh broke every vow and it's just a binding financial contract if I ever get over that feeling I'll do a year and a day handfasting and a prenup prior to an actual marriage. Yet I will still come before all others then my spouse after my kids are grown before that raising them right is my priority, getting my education and my career moving is my priority then, then my happiness then SO in that order. Forsaking all others is putting your spouse first since I can't do that I choose not to remarry any time soon.

fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 2:17am

"Is that what God intended?"

Absolutely not. In my opinion, God did not intend for lives to end up this way. I do not think that God intended for people to enter into the bounds of matrimony based soley on the fact that they committed the sin of sex before marriage. I do not think that God intended for people to take on the vows of a lifelong marriage just because they screwed up and got pregnant/got someone pregnant. There is no true bond there. There is no true desire to be connected thru marriage there. It is a quick fix to a big problem. "Hey, we are having a baby, so lets get married!" No. If two people do not like one another, do not want to be with one another, they should not marry. All that does is cause major and FOREVER never ending problems for everyone involved. Back to the original question, she should have kept her legs closed and he should have kept his junk in his pants and no child should have ever been created. Mistake are made though, and marrying to rectify those mistakes is a big huge mistake.

"And it is these changes that seem to wrought all hell on earth, esp for the new partner."

^^AMEN to this^^

When these people move on from marriages they should have never entered into in the first place, when they do finally find someone they WANT to marry, those new partners are in for one hell of a horrendous ride, hell on earth, you said it exactly. It is a nightmare.