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Parental alientation syndrome

TinaKay's picture

Submitted by TinaKay on Thu, 04/23/2009 - 7:57pm

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Adult Stepchildren

I wish there were more people on the site, who were older and had older kids with PAS. I am having problems finding the information I'm looking for.
I'm 50 with adult sd. She has graduated high school and although she was a good student, does not show much motivation for much in life except boys, drinking and drama.
I really fear her totally messing up her life and in a few years will start manipulating me and H to "help her".... and prevent us from our plans to retire early at age 55 due to a wide assortment of things to delay us.
I would like to move further away from where she lives with her mother but it would only delay is from retiring due to the costs involved to change houses for only a brief time.
so, I am very concerned how to protect ourselves from evil BM and her spawn that we can accomplish our personal goals.
It's snowballing at BM's where sd and BM are fighting more and more and I fear BM will kick her out long before we get to move away. SD dates unstable young men, and who knows what they may do
as we live so close, they drink, are immature and have bad judgment.
Not sure if anything can really be done but I'd like to hear from older people ( over 40) who have young adult children with PAS
if anyone happens to come to the site like this, let me know and start posting because I'd like to gather info so I'm ready of what may be coming our way.

stand_by_your_man's picture

Submitted by stand_by_your_man on Mon, 06/15/2009 - 2:01pm

sorry to hear about your situation. unfortunately, my experience with a PAS-alientated adult step-child(she will turn 20 this month)is that they turn into the worst sort of flakes and manipulative, ungrateful users.
i'm always hoping time will mature my SD and somehow change her from seeing her Dad as someone to get gifts and money from.
in our case DH desperately wants her (and the other kids) in his life and to have relationship with her...we are always reaching out to her with 'olive branches' such as financial support (when we have it!), gifts, etc.
its very frustrating because she is past the age where visitations are mandated and DH usually can't even get her to return phone calls...the only interactions with him are holidays (so she can retrieve her 'booty') or crises that invarioubly involve money or us doing something for her.
you have to understand these PAS kids have been raised to view Daddy as a 'money-bag' by the (usually) bitter BM...MANIPULATION is the name of this game..and unfortunately it just gets worse from what I can see.
try to distance yourself from it as best you can and find your own peace inside yourself...don't let the DRAMA get to you personally: remember that its mostly about your husband and his ex(wife and kids)...its really not about us, except that we're caught in middle.
Wink

"...sometimes I wonder how I keep from goin under"

gremy725's picture

Submitted by gremy725 on Mon, 06/15/2009 - 3:17pm

Could you guys explain what PAS is exactly? This sounds an awful lot like what is in store in the future...

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 06/15/2009 - 3:23pm

http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/turkat95.htm

It is on DRMMS (Divorce Related Malicious Mother Syndrome) which is a subset of PAS but it has some good descriptions of PAS behaviors.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)

gremy725's picture

Submitted by gremy725 on Mon, 06/15/2009 - 3:40pm

Thanks and oh boy...

stand_by_your_man's picture

Submitted by stand_by_your_man on Mon, 06/15/2009 - 4:13pm

PAS stands for Parental Alienation Syndrome and is extremely common.
It usually starts out with the custodial parent badmouthing and denigrating the non-custodial parent to the child (because they're pissed off and want revenge or because they are too selfish and ignorant to realize the long-term harm PAS does to children). The badmouthing can also occur in front of others with the child just being present in room while it occurs...the message is:"Dad is a bastard" or "Dad doesn't care about us"(you get the picture).
The badmouthing eventually becomes so routine that a child sufficiently isolated from the non-custodial parent will become confused and start to INTERNALIZE the negative views AS THEIR OWN BELIEFS.
In my DH's case he was prevented from visitations with a bullshit restraining order (a common tactic, by the way, and extremely easy to get...that is if you are blessed with a vagina and not a penis Biggrin ).
Anyway, kids got alienated from DH by LACK OF CONTACT (deliberate lack of contact, if you can see whats going on here) and by the time he scraped himself off the floor and was able to afford taking the bitch to court it was really too late: the kids now despised him.
That is PAS in a nutshell. It is cruel beyond words and is severing parent/child bonds daily...all over the world.
The only real solutions will be LEGAL ones and involve overhauling and restructuring the family court system and probably the child support system as well.

"...sometimes I wonder how I keep from goin under"

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 06/15/2009 - 4:59pm

It can be the NCP targeting PAS at the CP also. Though apparently more infrequent than CP to NCP PAS.

eg. "Your Mom married a rich guy and still makes me pay CS. Your Half sibs are starving, don't have the nice things that you have, are victimized by your evil Mother, etc ........."

"It is not fair that you and your Mom life in a huge nice house and take vacations all over the world and that you go to really good schools and your bros/sises can't......."

The facts are often interestingly absent in these types of situations. At least in my experience.

Facts like ...... Mom is a dual major honors undergrad degree holder with a BS in two majors. Mom is honors graduate degreed and professionally certified. StepDad is a BS and Graduate degreed professional and also professionally certified. Mom learned what got her pregnant out of wedlock the first time and has not repeated behavior that bit her when she was 16.

Like BIODAD has on four different occasions in his life and never taken responsibility for any of his four out-of-wedlock kids.

As usual when you are dealing with anything documented by Pseudo Scientists (Psychologists, Sociologists, etc ...) there is no way to effectively and definitively identify a clear diagnosis of PAS. Not to say that Pseudo Scientists don't provide a valuable contribution to society. An incredible therapist/Psychologist Ph.D was instrumental in getting me back in touch with the person I like being during the demise and recovery from my first marriage. Thanks Doc! (Pamela Monday Ph.D. if you are looking for a truly incredible therapist. Google her.)

As a pragmatist, I think PAS is one of those things that you know it when you see it, feel it or are targeted by it.

Even though many of the publications on PAS indicate that there is not an effective fix for PAS, I believe there is one that is extremely effective.

Regular, open, non-judgmental, fact based conversation/communication with the kid(s). Even a Psycho parent hell bent on implementing a long campaign of PAS against the other parent cannot over come the facts.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is
character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)