Brief rundown of our situation: Kids are: SS12, DD6, and DS 5.  I have been with DH for 10 years, married for 8.  DH and BM did not have a CO until last spring, which resulted in lots of covert and outright PAS for years. BM has been a rollercoaster ride over the years, ranging from refusing to answer the phone for months at a time, to begging for help from DH because SS was "out of control".  DH and I moved out of state for a couple years, when we made that decision DH had not been granted contact with SS for about 6 months, so we did what was best for the 2nd family.  We moved back in part to help out with SS.  Shortly after returning CO was finally put in place with DH and BM agreeing to 50/50 (week on week off).  All was decent until DH had to go out of town for work for several months (this will be an ongoing thing).  During that time the plan was for more to continue to get SS to keep him in a stable "routine", and as I was the one parent (of the 3 of us) providing a structured plan/enviroment.

Fast forward to this fall and I was spent.  The amount of supervision that SS needs to function was too much and I was exhausted.  His weeks with me were shortened to 4 days instead of 7.  Then I found this forum.  I did lots of reading and made my first post.  It was at this time that SS stole from a kid at school (recorded on camera) and blatantly lied about several things.  As BM and I had, at that point, been working somewhat as a team to try to "help" SS I approached BM in our group chat with DH about the situation.  BM defended and downplayed SS actions completely.  It was at that point I was done and I disengaged. 

The first couple months were EASY because DH was still on the road, so it was simply a matter of not having to deal with SS at all.  I did however continue to "keep an eye" on how SS is doing is school via the family access site.  I guess more for my own curiousity than anything.  DH has not once checked this site.  The arrangement DH thought he had with the school, is that the principal contact him directly when there is an issue with SS.  I sat in the meeting (before disengagement) where this was decided.  The school did contact DH about the stealing/lying incident, but has not since then.  Because of this DH thought SS was suddenly doing sooooo much better in school (insert eye roll).  When we started discussing Christmas presents DH was planning on buying SS the big present he had told SS he could have IF he had a good school year.  I've been trying not to get involved, but did point out the family access reports that SS is being sent to the office 2-4 times EVERY week, and that he is failing all but 2 classes (and one of those is PE).  His failure is completely due to refusing to complete assignments, as he does do well on the ones he turns in.  When DH returned to town, BM declared that they will revert to a EOWE schedule as SS is doing well in school and she does not want to disrupt his schedule.

I am doing my best to stay out of it completely and it is FREEING.  So much of this would have driven me crazy in the past.  But from DH's lack of pushing issues with BM to BM's lack of acknowledging reality... it is so nice to not feel like I need to "help with" or "fix" any of these issues.  My negative feelings toward DH about the whole situation have actually dissapated, because now I don't care what he does in regards to SS.  SS has been to the house for one "weekend" so far.  BM executed her usual delay tactics and that resulted in SS being at our house for about 16 hours before she rescued him.  We have DH's family Christmas tomorrow and DH asked that I text BM in our group chat because she's not returning his calls.  I declined.  I am also aware that SS already has plans to attend new Step-dads family Christmas tomorrow, but I haven't brought that up to DH.  I am no longer swooping in to help!  I am free!

I even took back SS's bedroom for one of the bios.  They've been sharing a room for over a year now, and we tip-toed around SS's schedule and making sure we were able to accomodate him at the drop of a hat. 

Merry Christmas to me!